Lists, lies and love

Started Saturday…

Four weeks today I could be sat on a train, passport and suitcase packed, on my way to meet Wild Card.

Exciting. Life changing. Scary.

Naturally, this sparked a fresh wave of anticipatory internal querying. Plus, a few other things have occurred to put my mind into overdrive. Again.

Firstly, I must state here and now that Wild Card has done nothing to make me feel anxious or wary. His attentions are consistent. He hasn’t asked for money. He’s not promising me the world or a future of perfect happiness. At times he is teasing and less affectionate than I crave (we can have an entire conversation of him teasing and making fun of me whilst we both laugh and I fake sulk) ; other times he is heartwarming and romantic. Sometimes he is tired and sullen. Sometimes he is too busy to talk. In a sentence: he is an every day man who continues to try to get to know me and who attempts to share his life with me over video.

What has happened this week, is that we had a conversation about Facebook. He noticed that a single man has been ❤️ my photos and I admitted this man has tried to message me. He asked me about him. I said I didn’t know the man. He asked why I was friends with him then. I couldn’t answer that. I deleted him – my suggestion.

Wild Card, however, has a number of women on his Facebook. So I felt it fair to question that too. I asked if they messaged him, he said yes but they were just friends. I think my face said it all. He said that, if we meet and we want to have a relationship then he will delete his Facebook and start again. He also said that he had introduced me to his parents and had invited me to visit, did I really think he had done this with all his female friends on Facebook? He, again, told me to research his culture online. Not something you want to do if you are a scammer, I would guess.

So….. Firstly, he has not hidden anything – he has admitted that girls message him quite openly. Secondly, he is not certain that we will make anything of this, which is fine because a marriage scammer would be wanting to make this certain, not putting insecurity – and reality of this not working – in my way.

And before you ask, I still have a number of attractive and single men on Facebook. He has not queried them or asked me to delete them, even when I said I would.

Last night he called me at six just to say that he knew I was with my family (my mother was visiting and we were having a get-together) and that he hoped I had a lovely time, he didn’t want to message me when I was busy and that he would miss me. A two minute check in. He messaged later on (we said we would talk later but I was still out) to say good night and hoped I was having a good time. Other highlights from this week included him dancing for me and the pair of us in hysterics over it.

So what has sparked this week’s head-stress?

I have told my friend (the Second champion) that I have booked my flights. She had at one point in the past said she would come with me – that, obviously, didn’t come to anything. She reacted better than I thought. She did say it was clear I was in love with him (really??!) and that I needed to be careful in case I came home broken-hearted when he didn’t want me. O… K.. .

My mum’s arrival this weekend also means that I need to tell her more about Wild Card. At Christmas I told her about him. She knows we are in contact, knows where he is from but that’s it – she said immediately that he was just after a visa.

Mum is a tricky one, because at the time of her major mental breakdown/bipolar diagnosis she was being scammed by someone online. He turned out to be from Nigeria and stole thousands from her. (He said he was American, was going to treat her like a princess and had his own business/was wealthy). None of what happened to her has happened to me with Wild Card. But I am fully aware of why she will be worried when I tell her more about him. (He is not Nigerian btw).

I’ve told my ex about my trip. I’ve told him that I am going on holiday for my up-coming 40th and that I am going with my usual travel buddy. Lies. Although, I won’t be able to afford to go on holiday for my 40th now, so that part is sort of true. I hate lying. But it’s got nothing to do with him, other than the fact that he will have our children that week. If I could have found someone to go with me, I would have gratefully accepted. No one will come so I’m going alone.

Yesterday, all this playing on my mind, I sat and wrote lists. Lists of what was concerning me about my trip and what I needed to do to ensure I was safe and confident. Lists of why I liked him. Why I thought he may like me. Lists of anything he had said and done that concerned me. Lists of things he has said and done to make me feel secure.

I felt better afterwards. Ultimately, I am in control in this situation. I don’t have to go. I can change my mind, right up to the point where I board the plane. I can stay wherever I choose. I can meet him or just have a week’s holiday in a nice hotel. I can meet him and never speak to him again. I can meet him and talk to him for years and never do anything again (Him willing, of course, but that makes the above a moot point anyway). Whilst he is still interested, it’s all up to me. If he becomes disinterested, we were not meant to be anyway.

Finished today….

I’m feeling in a much better place. My mum came to spend some 1:1 time with me yesterday. I was on edge. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell her everything but didn’t want her to worry or tell me negative things.. After about half an hour, I couldn’t take any more. I told her everything…

And she has completely put my mind at ease.

Whilst reminding me to exercise caution, she’s told me she trusts me. She said I am an intelligent woman in a much different place than she was. She talked about what happened to her and she said the experiences are worlds apart.

She’s told me that sometimes in life, it’s necessary to come out of your comfort zone and to take risks. Otherwise, you’ll never know what could have happened, what you might have achieved.

I just felt like a weight had lifted off my head and shoulders. I’d told her the truth which was the big thing, but she trusts my judgement and that means a lot.

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the next month. Anything is a possibility. But I’m now excited about this, more than anything. It’s an adventure. I’m going to be careful, and have been doing my research on solo travel and his location, but I am excited to see him and where he lives in equal measure. Well, nearly.