On the edge

Not a good day and I’ve a feeling it’s about to get a whole lot worse.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I kept trying to think positively, reminding myself of all the good things that have happened with Wild Card in the last few weeks, but his mood last night worried me. It’s the one time I hope my anxiety is betraying my gut.

This morning he messaged me with a flat ‘morning’. Not his usual ‘good morning my love’ or whichever endearment he felt like. I replied and then a few hours later asked how he was and said that I hated that I had upset him. He didn’t read it all day. All day.

I kept thinking… Is he busy? Is he making a point about me missing his calls? Is he talking to someone else? And each time I kept trying to drag myself back to the positive.

At the end of work we had a scheduled meeting which had also been playing on my mind. We were told that we are being restructured. We all need to reapply for our jobs and we might not be successful, meaning that we would drop down to a mainscale teacher within the school. So, a massive cut in pay, career down the toilet and everyone you work with knowing you’ve failed. Great stuff.

I left the meeting, went to my office and found that he had read my messages but hadn’t replied. My heart sank further. He always replies, pretty much. It was pretty early, he has only just finished work, but even so….

What to do? Do I leave him to stew? He’s obviously still not happy. Do I message him, show him that I am still here for him? I don’t want to think about work yet. I can’t take any of this in…

I chose the latter. It’s who I am, I want to reassure him.

I called. No answer.

So, I sat for what seems like forever but was perhaps only five minutes, thoughts raging. I’ve just got this feeling…

And then he called. He’s still not happy. I tried desperately to put on a brave face, hide my fear and negativity. He told me he was going for a walk. He said he ‘has not been good’ and that he would call me after, we would talk later. Again, I put on a weak smile and kept saying OK.

I’ve just got this feeling.

Maybe there is stuff going on his life at the moment which is affecting his mood. Maybe I just got the tail end of that yesterday.

Maybe my biggest fear this whole time is happening. He’s got second thoughts. He doesn’t want me to visit. He feels bad because he likes me, but not enough.

I’m confused, anxious, stressed and I feel on the edge.

I’m now awaiting his call. 😞


2 thoughts on “On the edge

  1. So sorry this is happening girlie. It all sounds like one big miscommunication is happening here. You guys need to talk it out and soon too – put everything on the table. Reassure him of your affections. You always speak about how he reassures you but what about for him and his feelings?? I am sure you are seeing some of his insecurities now because of those missed calls and you taking a long time to get back to him – I’ll tell you that my boyfriend freaks the hell out I don’t answer and I do the same when he doesn’t. It’s just the nature of relationships and since yours is so fresh, there is gonna be a lot of wondering and second guessing. Just hang in there and most of all be honest, as honest as possible. Rooting for you! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To be fair, I freak out just as much if he doesn’t answer me. I just think I hide it a little better! I think now, having spoken to him, there probably is something else too. I probably didn’t help with the missed calls. Hopefully he will be even better tomorrow. I tell him every day how I feel about him, when he isn’t outright asking me. Sometimes I feel that isn’t enough. We just need to meet.

      Liked by 1 person

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