Last night, I think I had my first argument and subsequent make-up (non physical, just eye-contact) ‘sex’ .
Things have been really good the last few days. I’ve felt much calmer and things have been very affectionate.
There’s been a couple of moments which have shown his insecurity though. In a weird way, it’s good to know it’s not just me feeling insecure. Although, and perhaps he feels the same, I’m not sure what else I can say and do to reassure him.
Tonight was a prime example. Long story short, we started talking about our different cultures and dating/marriage etc. Which led to him asking me about my past.
There are no skeletons in my closet but I’m very conscious that my experiences will have been different to his because of our different cultures. Whilst I have no problem with being open with him, part of me feels we need to meet and commit to this before I bare my soul. I answered him honestly but at one point we both realised that I had misunderstood one of his questions. This then meant that he doubted the truth of what I had said – he felt that I had backtracked and hadn’t spoken ‘straight.’ Simply, I hadn’t understood the context of what he was asking but this had then led to me having to clarify what I had said. Again, not uncommon in people whose first language are different.
He said that he doesn’t care about my past. All he cares about is meeting me and our future. He wants me to be honest. I was honest with what I told but I didn’t tell him everything. And I don’t know whether he could tell that or whether the confusion actually made him distrust some of what I had said, but, there it was.
He ended the call not long after as his brother was calling and said he would call back.
A tense ten minutes of running through everything in my head again, and he did call back. I couldn’t help myself but to reiterate that I wasn’t lying. It was intense. He said he did trust me but felt I wasn’t being honest about my past. We were both a little frustrated but stayed on the phone, awkward silences punctuated by…’so?’ and more silence. Eventually he said he was going for a walk and that we would speak later, if I wasn’t too busy (I was due to go out to my friend’s house). I told him I would never be too busy for him.
About twenty minutes later I sent him some pictures of my friend’s holiday home that we had discussed earlier. Next second he was calling again which I hadn’t expected so soon.
He was in the kitchen, cooking, and asked if I was OK. I then watched him cook from a distance until he walked back over to the phone.
I got that face. God I love that face. He made me blush and I asked him what was wrong and why he was looking at me like that. He just smiled and walked off then came back again, leaning on the kitchen counter.
And then we just stared at each other. And stared. Eyes locked, occasional small smiles. Occasional kisses. I can’t tell you how long that lasted for but at least three songs played. Desire and want and so much else passed between our locked eyes. It was so hot. And eventually, when it had to end, I just felt warm inside.
I don’t know if that was his way of smoothing things over. I think ‘argument’ was a little strong in my opening line and misunderstanding is more accurate. But whatever it was, I am more than happy to make up that way again next time. Followed by a cold, cold shower.