I’ve actually written new posts since my last published one but have kept them for myself. I’ve nothing new to report and realise that I’m actually becoming a stuck record.
I’m flying out to him in six days. Anxiety and excitement and anticipation are running high.
In one of my more panicky moments, I looked on YouTube for a video on how ‘you know he likes you in an LDR’. Pathetic I know. But he met four of the five criteria. He always texts. He always calls. I can’t fault him on that front. We have a routine, I am part of his routine. He shares the day to day of his life, much better than me, and has shown me so much of where he lives etc. The fifth one can only happen when we are together.
I’m coming to accept that anxiety is a natural part of this process, at this stage, and with me in particular. I still hope that once we meet and have agreed on next steps, my anxiety will decrease. It probably won’t.
This week’s lowlights include… Stressing that he hadn’t called when he said he would call, only to find out when he did call (later than I anticipated) that he had been to a funeral….then days later, convincing myself that he wasn’t speaking to me because my messages were not getting through and him calling an hour later on his way home from the gym. He always keeps in touch. When am I going to learn my lesson?
My biggest fear at the moment: getting there, and him not wanting me (up until about a week ago, it was that I wouldn’t even get there). I’m not stupid, this is a possibility. It doesn’t matter that he has said the same about me not liking him when I get there. The thought of going, and the imagined kisses and touches that I am so looking forward to not happening… Well, it’s making my heart pound now.
How I have imagined those moments! When would he make the first move? What will it be – Holding my hand? Brushing back my hair or touching my face? A short but tender kiss? A movie-esque passionate push to the wall with an equally passionate kiss to follow? Will he ask me? Will we just be talking and smiling and then get that look before we both move in to kiss?
I can be quite shy at first and am very nervous about the whole thing. Will he know how I feel? (I would say so, that man seems to be able to read me far too easily.)
So when? The first moment we are alone? In his car coming from the airport? Our first ‘date’?
Is he thinking and wondering about this too?
I would say so. In the months of us, talk of a sexual nature has been limited. There have been a couple of occasions where it has been briefly discussed. There have been moments of looking at each other in a particular way… But he tends to end the conversation when he thinks either of us are getting too ‘excited’. When I asked him why once, he said it is because it ‘hurts’ me (he couldn’t think of the right word) and we are not together to do anything about it. Which seems pretty respectful to me.
This week though there have been two little comments made, in passing, which suggests that it is on his mind too. Maybe not in the same way as me, he’s a man after all, but to actually be able to touch each other – in any way, not just sexual- is a big deal. It’s clearly on both our minds.
I want to feel his hand in mine; the hands that I have watched countless times mess with his hair, or stroke his beard or move as he has danced. I want to look into his eyes, not through a screen, and see the laughter (and hopefully a lot more). I want to know what he smells like. I want to know how soft his lips are and how his beard will feel on my face when we, if we, kiss. I want to know how I will feel when he holds me… Safe and secure, excited? Like I belong?
I want to sit next to him on the couch where he sits, day after day, when he talks to me. I want to laugh with him, and talk with him until everything becomes clear and settled, no matter what the outcome.
I had to pause from the above because, well because, I started to cry. Yes, you read right. I just felt overwhelmed. The realisation hit me about how much I actually like him and want this to work. Maybe this was obvious to you. I knew I liked him. But it just hit me how much.
And all I wanted was to speak to him, that moment. I needed his voice and face and laughter to sooth that feeling that was now pounding achingly in my chest. So I text, asking if he was at home (we had spoken that morning and I knew he might be going to see family). He didn’t reply at first and after ten minutes or so I had managed to calm myself down enough to realise that speaking to him was a bad idea. He’d know something was wrong straight away. I wouldn’t be able to explain properly. So I text with the following:
‘It’s OK, ignore me, doesn’t matter.’
Now, with hindsight and after a half an hour of trying to explain that to him, I realise that it did not come out as I intended, which was:
‘It’s OK, I’ve sorted whatever it was I needed to speak to you about, don’t worry yourself as you are clearly busy. I will speak to you later. Xx’
How he read it:
‘I’m angry with you because you’ve not messaged since this morning and I’m jealous and I don’t want you to talk to me anymore (ie, literally ignore me) and I want this to end’
Try as I might, he did not understand that ‘ignore me’, colloquially, means ‘it’s OK to disregard what I have just said’. But why would he understand that? English is not his first language.
The irony being, of course, that I text because I needed reassurance and I ended up having to give him some. He kept asking what he had done and why did I want him to ignore me? Did I want to end it? Had I upset him? Groan.
Eventually, he believed the truth..
That I was sat thinking about next week and I realised how much this means to me. And I panicked that you might not feel the same (had to explain what panic is).
His response once he understood? A wry smile and a “we’ ll see”. He then asked me for a kiss and said he would speak to me later.
Saturday night can not come quick enough.