Three more sleeps and I will be with him. Oh my goodness.
Tension is building, I can tell you that. We both seem to be swinging between excitement and affection to anxiety and nerves. Everything is heightened at the moment.
Following the regrettable ‘ignore me’ incident, he was a little sullen the next day and kept mentioning it. We ended up having to talk about it all over again but, you know, when he talked about the shock he felt when he had first read the message, I kind of got it. We then talked about my arrival and he willingly offered his phone number etc to my family who are worrying about me a little too.
When he got in contact on Tuesday I was actually with my sister and I enjoyed them speaking briefly. It felt more inclusive I suppose, like he was part of us, not just me. He was out with family himself but had stepped outside to talk to me. He mentioned that it was only three full days until I arrived and when I smiled, he commented upon it. I told him I was just happy and he said that it was ‘amazing.’ I’m not sure if he meant my smiling, my happiness or the thought of my arrival. I didn’t ask.
He called again when I got home but this time his insecurities were there. He asked what my sisters thought of him and whether they thought I was crazy for liking him… before listing all their possible, and imagined, complaints. I’ve often wondered what his family think of me too. I will know soon enough I guess. The conversation ended, as usual, with laughter and love.
Today… Well. Today’s has been intense. Missed phonecalls on both sides. Neither of us seem to like that. Bit of jealousy on both sides. But then he spoke to my son, I spoke to his mother… More laughing.
If this is all playing on his mind as much as it is for me, it’s no wonder. This is an emotional roller-coaster in its truest sense. In two days this whole thing becomes very real and so it is natural for all those insecurities to worm themselves out into the open.
Truth is, neither of us know how far this will go. We’ve had nearly four months of daily conversation building up to this point but it’s only when we are face to face, spending real time with each other, that we will actually know if this is anything. And even then, who knows what the future holds?
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I can continue with this emotional tsunami for the next few months and even years. Will things change once we have met; will we both feel more secure or not? I know LDR are difficult and have their own set of unique problems. At the moment, he is worth it. I don’t like the thought of him not being there, not at all.
But that true connection can only happen, possibly-if-at-all, when we meet. In two days. This time on Saturday I will have been with him for around half an hour. Wow.