I’m now sat on the plane, flying away from him and one of the best weeks I have had.
Yesterday morning I waited for his arrival with some anxiety. I hadn’t slept well, trying to process everything. I know we needed to talk but I wasn’t sure when that would happen.
Day six was going to be spent in Wild Card’s home. I was perfectly happy with that. I was very aware of the amount of driving and money he had spent on me and that he was still unwell. For my last day, the thought of lying in bed with him, just being close… Laughing, making love. Well, that sounded perfect to me.
And it was perfect, apart from the tears that kept threatening to spill whenever I thought about leaving him. Pathetic, really. I kept telling myself to just enjoy him. And I did.
We did talk. He knew when he walked in I hadn’t slept and of course wouldn’t leave it til I’d told him why.
I told him I had been thinking about what he had said at the beginning of the week. He replied ‘good’. I asked him if he still felt the same now that we had spent the week together. He said he did.
So, I told him I felt the same. I want the same. He kept asking, checking. I’m not sure if he believed me. He asked if I thought we would be good together and when I said yes, he said he didn’t know. I’m not sure what that means but I get it – one week together and four months talking isn’t enough time to know for sure.
I talked about my need for security. I needed to know if this was serious or not because I don’t see the point in continuing with this unless we both have the same goal, regardless of whether we are successful or not. Don’t get me wrong, I know this can all fall apart at any moment – like any relationship. But because of the situation, the long distance, we both need to be committed to trying for a serious relationship otherwise what is the point? I told him that I was not interested in anyone else and I needed him to say the same. He again said about the fact that I was there and I had met his parents and did I really think he was with other girls?
He also warned me, again, of how difficult this would be. I realise that he knows this better than I do. I just still think it’s worth it. I just need to be 100% sure that we are on the same page.
We went for a walk after dinner and he told me he is going to miss me and he loves me. I said the same.
Last night he stayed with me and we held each other all night.
This morning was difficult as you can imagine. We had breakfast with his family and discussed my flights etc. Then it was time to go.
We talked about the future on the way to the airport. I will visit again, won’t I? Promise? Maybe I could come in the summer and bring my children and we could have a few days at a beach resort? Am I serious about him, really?
Soon I was hugging his parents goodbye, his mother telling me that we were family now and that I am always welcome. That brought, yet another, tear to my eye. I even got a hug from his Dad – no handshake this time.
It was too quick, walking into the airport; too fast that I had to leave him. He hugged me, kissed my cheek and told me to take care and that he would miss me. As I walked away, he shouted me to remind me to contact him throughout my journey.
Soon I was standing at passport control and I connected to the WiFi as I queued. Instantly he called: he was still in the carpark and was I OK? Did I want him stay a little longer? So sweet. I didn’t even realise that they had waited and a good ten minutes or more must have have passed.
Forty minutes later, after spending my unused currency on duty free, I sat down to eat the worst salad on the earth (only gluten free option) and checked my phone to see he had messaged me. Also unexpected – we had agreed that I would message as I was about to board the plane and wasn’t for another hour.
He told me he was missing me. Missing my kisses. And that he loved me. And was I OK? And then he asked for his own reassurance.. Did I love him? Did I want him? Maybe he does feel like me after all.
So now, I am on the plane writing this. I am in the clouds, literally and metaphorically. I wonder what he will be like in a few days, when we have been apart?
I am under no illusion of what I will be like.