Back to reality

Yesterday morning’s journey home, and the rest of the day in fact, was filled with messages and phone calls and expressions of love and longing.

It’s a weird situation to be in: whilst my body ached, physically missing him (you know, unsettled stomach and butterflies etc) the regular contact and heartfelt affection from him made me happy. Made us both happy.

“Come here. Come here to me and rest your head on my chest: it’s your place. Come here to me. I want to stroke your hair and kiss your face and kiss your hand.” Every word a memory of him doing exactly that, of me resting my head on his chest as we cuddled in bed, every single day. Knowing that he wanted those moments again too, well, it makes it all the more special.

Today I was back in work. I woke at 4am, again. And whilst I dozed for half an hour or so, eventually I just ended up looking at our photos and reading all the messages from yesterday.

At 6am I wished him a safe journey – for the remainder of his time off work he was travelling with his family and was about to set off on a seven hour car journey to stay with relatives.

I’ve thought about him all day. Of course I have. And whilst I feel justified in that – we’ve only been apart for a day and I was concerned about his long drive, I know that I have to get back to reality at some point. He can’t keep dominating my every thought, can he?

Sure, things are really good between us. But this is going to be a long process if it works at all. And my life has to carry on.

This is going to be the hard part, I guess. Not just missing him. Not the anxiety and wondering. The loving him from a distance and trying to live a normal life part.

Part of this is self preservation as much as anything. If it does end then my life needs to carry on. I can’t put my life on hold for something that probably has the odds stacked against it. It hurts me to say that, but it’s true.

My life has to carry on. And yes, he will be a part of it. We will continue with our routine and hopefully we will see each other again soon. But I can’t live on cloud nine, can I?

When I finished work I messaged him and asked if he was OK, still driving etc. He called me and he was indeed still driving and deep in concentration. God it was good to see his face. And then his Dad saw me from the back seat and made such a fuss of me, saying hello and talking about their trip. It was so lovely – he genuinely looked pleased to see me. And when my gaze drifted to Wild Card’s face, I could see he was pleased with his Dad’s reaction too. That was nice.

He’s just messaged to say they have finally arrived at their destination. I’m longing to see him, to speak to him, but his life has to carry on too. So, I’ve told him I’m glad he is safe and sound and have asked him to call later, if he can, because I miss him.

In the meantime, whilst every sense is attuned to my phone and waiting for that call, I have to carry on with washing and tidying and getting ready for work.

Reality is not easy.

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