Update and reflection – part one

I left my story three days ago with me trying to follow the online advice I’d found.

To recap… Since being on holiday, and after a week of intense shared feelings and emotions previously, Wild Card was being distant. He was completely justified in this: he had gone on holiday with his family. But the timing, my anxiety… Well, it basically sent me over the edge. If I had left him and we had gone back to our normal LDR routine, it would have been difficult but manageable. The complete shift was playing with my already anxious insecurities.

The psychologist’s advice:

1) Don’t go on about how you feel, don’t question, don’t nag, don’t whinge. (All of which I was doing)

2) Don’t be the first to message/contact all the time – don’t over compensate (Yes, I was doing this too)

3) Don’t be so quick to reply when he does message. Take your time. (The minute my phone goes, I reply)

4) Focus on yourself. Eat well, exercise. Spend time with family and friends. Enjoy your life outside of him. (Nope, I wasn’t doing this)

5) When he comes back to you, talk about what happened. But only when things are back to normal.

So, on Wednesday, after an evening of panic, I initiated the plan. My last post ended at 11am with no contact.

First of all, I’m going to tell you that it worked. Second, I need to admit that I still went crazy, and I mean crazy. Third, I’ve learnt my lesson.

Game playing is never good in a relationship. Unfortunately, that’s the path my insecure mind decided to take.

My first game was to post something on Facebook. He always contacts when I do this. It was nothing – a picture of the rare blue sky and a comment about the onset of Spring. It could have been worse.

By the time I returned to my office he had indeed got in contact. He ended up calling me and showed me the stunning place where he was with his family. I was touched that he wanted to show me and sensed his frustration when I had to go back to work. Success!

But, it wasn’t enough. Some social media stalking later and I had sent a message that undid all my good, calm work. (My sister doesn’t think I did anything wrong but, I do).

By the time I had got home, after some further social media stalking (I have said all along why I hate social media and this is just proving me right) I had hit crisis point. I was in tears, on edge, frantic. I was convinced that this was the end. It doesn’t matter that he’d called – that was forgotten.

I called him, expecting him not to answer but needing to anyway. He didn’t answer, but messaged quickly to say he was driving.

By the time he had messaged me to say that he was back at his accommodation, my scheming had pitched to a new level. I was going to manipulate rule 4 to get a response.

Dangerous, dangerous territory. I know this. But I couldn’t help myself. I needed an answer to my fears, either way.

So when he messaged and asked what I was doing, I told him I was going out. I wasn’t. Knowing how he might respond, I added to the lie by putting more make up on and doing my hair so I looked like I was going out.

Long story short, I got the desired response. He questioned, he called. He wasn’t happy. I got the ‘I love you’ I had been missing but I was also told that he would call me when I was out.

Some of you will not like that level of control. I do. It shows me how he feels. And you need to remember, the times that he has reacted like that in the past , I’ve still gone out. It doesn’t affect my actions, it just proves how he feels. It’s part of his culture, him, and as I have said before, it’s no different to how I feel when he goes out.

Problem was, this time, it was a lie. I wasn’t going anywhere with anyone.

Luckily for me, my sister arrived, unfinished uni assignment under her arm, looking for help. I told the sorry tale of my scheming and was suitably told off. She then gave me my alibi.

By the end of my confession he had indeed called. He spoke to my sister, was told that I had cancelled to help her, and he was happy.

The remainder of the evening, he sent me some lovely personal pictures of his family on holiday, pictures that he would not put on Facebook but shared with me. I also got another video chat last thing at night. He was still quiet, but he was in a shared room with his family.

The next day he was travelling home. After my game playing, I decided that I needed to calm down. Be true to myself but calm down. My scheming and panicking were going to chase him away.

Continued in part two…