Flaws and feelings

The last few days have been tough.

First, let’s put this into perspective.

Not only do I have PMT, I’m also naturally anxious when it comes to Wild Card. I’ve been on edge even more as I’ve waited and obsessed on whether I will be visiting him again soon. I get jealous easily and often fear that he is with or will find someone else, someone better than me.

He is naturally jealous too and our cultural differences often augment this.

From experience, the initial honeymoon period ends at around month 3 or 4. Which is where we are.

And then, of course, there is the well documented and natural feelings of insecurity and jealousy created from a long distance relationship (LDR).

No one is perfect. I certainly haven’t been over the past four months, even if some of it I may have been able to hide from him. Maybe.

He has his flaws, his imperfections, like anyone else.

Monday night I had my children back. I left work reasonably early for a change. When I got home, it was a mad dash as always – sort the dogs out, make the fire, make the tea, tidy up, stop the kids from squabbling. An hour and half later, I finally sat down with a cup of tea. It was 6pm.

I could have messaged him, but I didn’t. I wanted to. I can’t even explain my thought processes to you because I don’t know what I was thinking myself. I wanted him to call me. I started writing my blog and decided that I would call if he hadn’t, at 6.30pm.

Just as I was about to call, he called me. He asked when I had got home and when I told him he was put out. Why hadn’t I called or messaged him, was I not thinking about him? I explained that I was just about to, but he wasn’t happy.

Honestly, I don’t know how much of this was him joking and teasing and how much of it was genuine. I think it was probably both. But he wouldn’t let it lie.

This is one trait of his personality I have discovered – he has no stop button. He doesn’t always get the signals of when to stop. So when he makes me laugh, he will keep doing what he is doing for an hour, say. If he is joking with me, it will carry on likewise.

Again putting things into context, he probably gets in contact more than me. He will call me in the car or when he’s just arrived home and I will watch him change or even wash his face. I’ve watched him cook and eat, many times. I’ve listened to him talk to his family. He makes me a part of the every-day. I, on the other hand, tend to wait for a moment when I can just stop and focus on him. I rarely do anything but sit and talk to him when we are on video chat. So, in reflection, I get where he was coming from.

Nonetheless, it got to the point where he was saying that he clearly meant ‘nothing’ to me. And that’s when I started crying.

He changed immediately, telling me to stop and to forget what he had said it was ‘only talking’. He asked why I cried and I replied that it was because I had hurt him – I could see no other reason why he would even think that he was nothing to me. He said I hadn’t hurt him, to forget about it. He said that he loved me, over and over, sent me kisses and told me that he was getting upset too.

My children were calling for me at this point so he told me to go to them and we would talk later.

Unfortunately, my son had noticed I was upset and in the end, I took the opportunity to tell him about Wild Card. Whilst his reaction was not like my daughter’s initially, he did say that he really liked Wild Card and felt they had things in common.

I put my youngest to bed and then, as I left the room, took my phone out of my pocket to call him. It had been just over an hour since we had spoke. But as I pulled my phone out, I heard the familiar ping of Messenger. Problem was, there clearly hadn’t been signal on my phone for some time and the pings indicated that he had tried to call three times some half an hour ago. Knowing him, I knew he would have jumped to conclusions too. He’d upset me and then I had ‘ignored’ his calls.

I immediately called back and my instinct was right. At first he wouldn’t talk to me. I tried to ask whether the calls had connected and told him what had happened but he was beyond listening at this point. He has been like this once before for a similar reason and is clearly a trigger for him of some sort. We had a brief chat and I told him that my son knew the truth now too and that he liked him.

At this point my son came in to the room and Wild Card turned back into his usual charming self. He had a great chat with him and talked about us all visiting and the things they would do together as ‘men’, no girls allowed. My son was so excited and when Wild Card said why, he said because he wanted to meet him. Wild Card relied, ‘I want to meet you too’. It was a proper heart swell moment, and I could see how much it meant to Wild Card that my son was so excited.

When my son left though, I got the sullen treatment again. I again asked what was wrong but he wouldn’t elaborate. I tried to explain that there was no way that I would have ignored him and how he meant everything to me. He asked me to explain which I tried but couldn’t.

I woke in the morning, still with a slight sense of unease. So, I sent him a good morning text, telling him how much he meant to me. How he was my everything, not my nothing.

He responded with multiple love emojis and I felt like I had done the right thing to reassure him.

Except he was no different when I called him that night.

My youngest came in the room and he was once again all charm and friendliness and they played together. But as soon as he left, Wild Card was still being off with me and would not explain why. In the end I told him I would go. There were no kisses goodnight.

I lasted five minutes before I text him. I told him that I didn’t deserve the way he had treated me that night. I said that I didn’t know what I had done but I was sorry it had clearly upset him. I told him he had hurt me.

I half expected him not to call, but he did. He told me that he was till angry from the day before. Why had his calls not connected? I again tried to explain about my phone being in my pocket and the inadequate WiFi but I don’t think he believed me.

When I told him he had hurt me, he denied it. In the end, I repeated thathe had, and put the phone down. I was angry by this point.

He didn’t call back but neither did I, but after a little while he text to say sorry and that he loved me. I calmed a little.

Yesterday was pretty much back to normal. Even to the extent that he asked me if I was coming to visit or not! I asked about the Coronavirus and he again explained his concerns, but then said if I want to come, I can come. It is my house now and I have my room – I can come if I want to. I was surprised by this and he asked again whether I was coming. I said I would look into it.

We had another laughing marathon after that with his parents asking him what he was doing to get me laughing so much. We then parted so he could eat his dinner.

An hour or so later he text then called and he as a little quieter again – he always is when he is tired which is fair enough. In the end he fell asleep whilst I worked and we only parted because the video stopped working on his phone.

Everyone has flaws, I know that. I’m right at the start of this with him and I am still getting to know him. Things have been so intense since I came home in so many ways. The calls are longer. But at the same time, we both seem a little more on edge.

Tonight is last night with his brother, before he moves away with his wife. I know it is affecting him – of course it is – even though he denies it. I can’t imagine how I would feel if that was me. Not myself, that’s for sure.

So, I’ve come home, text him to acknowledge the significance of the day and wish his brother and wife the best. I’m not expecting much communication tonight which is how it should be. May do us some good.

And no, I have no idea if I am going to see him in a month’s time.

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