Far, far away

We both knew it was coming, both knew it was going to happen. His country has shut his borders with mine. He feels even further away now, in time and place.

I didn’t book flights in the end. I decided to wait, as he had asked me to initially, until this weekend to make a decision. When he confirmed he had asked me to wait because of his concerns for me, I took that seriously. I also considered what would happen if I unknowingly brought the virus to him and his family.

We discussed it yesterday and it appears he thought I had booked but told me not to when I said I hadn’t. He repeated again his fears about my health over there, and if I got stranded. A day later, and his brother and sister in law would not have got out for their new life. I said about my concerns for his family too if I came, and he told me not to worry about his family but about myself. He admitted that he had wanted me to come but was worried about me. That made me feel better, somehow.

Within hours of that conversation my government warned that a likely border closure was imminent. This morning it happened.

Last night he was particularly affectionate. Today he has called me three times and each time he has looked at me with love in his eyes. He’s right, we can understand each other through our eyes. He’s winked at me and made me laugh and smiled that smile that I know so well now.

He’s getting on better and better with my family. My daughter is more confident about talking to him, and my youngest sister gets on with him well. I love it when we all talk together. I even asked him my usual, ‘Have you missed me?’ in front of them and was shocked when he actually said yes instead of his usual comedy ‘no’. I replied in surprise, ‘yes? Are you just saying that because my sister is here?’ and he said that he missed me all the time, every day and that he wouldn’t keep ringing me if he didn’t miss me. My middle sister even engaged with him yesterday, after she observed his multiple efforts to make me laugh. Perhaps she could see how happy he makes me. We haven’t talked about it yet.

But who knows when I will see him now? How long will the borders be closed? How will the airlines cope without their business?

I feel like I’m stranded on a beach, watching him float further and further away from me. An LDR is hard enough: this has made it so much harder.

It is unlikely that this will be over in May – my government seems to think we will have hit the peak in the UK by then. So, after that, it will be late July or August until it is even possible to see him.

Who knows what may have happened by then?

When I said to him this morning, that I didn’t know when we would see each other next, he said that we would be together when this was over. I hope so, so much.

**********

So, yes, I managed to get myself all worked up about this.

We talked about it though. I told him my fears of how long it could be til we see each other again and my fear that he will forget me: ‘Why will I forget you?’. He couldn’t understand my thinking, once again.

But once again, he showed me patience and understanding and love, so much love. I could see the love so much in his face, in his expression… I could hear it in his voice, our faces so close to the camera, trying desperately to narrow the difference between us. I could feel it, his love.

It was getting late and he was going to go. He asked what I would do – am I going to sleep? – and I replied that I didn’t know. I didn’t. He asked if I wanted him with me and I said yes, but I thought he meant hypothetically. But he stayed on the phone instead.

We talked again about the difficult situation we were in and he reminded me that this would be hard and I needed to be strong. He told me that I had accepted this – was it still what I wanted? I told him it was, but that the situation with the Coronavirus had made it worse. He disagreed and was so much more positive than I am… He said we still have time. That I need to believe in destiny.

He knows how much I love him. It surprises him when I tell him I have not felt like this before, and I haven’t. I remind him that my husband wasn’t right for me.

We talk about my family liking him, my kids loving him and he asked whether they will accept him. I said they do already and he muttered, almost so I didn’t hear, that he wishes for that.

He asked me if I missed his kisses, his touch, his love. I told him I miss everything. I want to be with him, ‘I want to be yours.’ And again he told me, ‘you are mine baby.’

He told me not to be sad, to be strong and believe in destiny. He told me he loves me, so much. He told me to dream of him.

I hope I do, if only to be closer to him.

3 thoughts on “Far, far away

  1. Yes it is tough. Still you have your whole lives ahead of you. Patience is a learned discipline that matures a person. Be content and at peace!
    Rex’s daughter and 3 grandchildren are in Portsmouth…we were planning to head over there in July…now? Who knows!
    Xxxx
    Naomi

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And I think we have gathered that patience is not my strong point! I feel much better after talking to him about it, although I feel a little stupid now. The future is certainly unknown for us all take carex

      Like

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