Bad day

Another awful week so far. Where do I actually begin?

School has been really difficult. Lots of anxious and scared children, looking for reassurance and comfort and you can’t give any, not really. They look to you for answers you just can’t give, no matter how hard you try. Staff are stressed, worried about exam classes, their own families and their own health. As a leadership team, you’re trying to do the best for everyone without actually knowing what to do for the best. We’ve been meeting morning and night, pouring over Government and council websites trying to work out how to support everyone… It’s been very stressful, to say the least.

My middle son, the one with ADHD and suspected autism is not taking it well, as you would expect. Getting him into school on Monday was a real struggle. The last couple of days he has visited me in school often: today, making himself late for lessons as he insists that I go home. It resulted in a meltdown this evening but we have talked and he seems calmer now.

Like everyone, I am worried about family members and I’m worried about supplies. I haven’t gone crazy like some which means, as the shelves remain empty, I’m starting to panic a little. We are OK for now and I just have to hope that despite the on-coming difficulties, things will settle down on that front.

It’s been a tense week all round and it would be surprising if this hadn’t affected things with Wild Card.

After my emotive panicking on Sunday and his patience and reassurance, I got a lovely text Monday morning. We chatted on text a little and was alarmed when he told me he had taken a suspected Coronavirus case to the hospital that day. We were both panicking. It turned out to be a false alarm however. Thankfully, for all involved.

Monday evening we chatted again and had a weird half joking-half serious argument. You know, one of those that starts as a joke but then sort of goes too far but neither person is 100% if the other is joking or not? It was all OK in the end and we were on the phone for two and half hours on that one call. We both drifted off to sleep still on the phone.

Yesterday morning I had a ‘Good morning my beautiful’ which is just what I needed. The evening was not what I needed though.

It was a particularly bad day yesterday at work. I came home exhausted, stressed and emotional. I called him and unfortunately, he appeared to be carrying on the joke and I just wasn’t in the mood. I kept telling him I would go and he would say no, but then he carried on with his fooling around. In the end, I just said I was going, waved and put the phone down despite him shouting ‘no’ repeatedly. In my defence I was on the verge of tears but… I don’t know. I shouldn’t have put the phone down on him. I’ve done it before, jokingly, and I know he hates it. I hate it when people do it to me. But, I kind of needed him to see that joking wasn’t working in that moment. Even that seems unfair now – 99.9 times out of 100 his joking works.

He immediately called back and I eventually answered. He wasn’t happy. He asked why I had ‘closed in his face’. I explained that I’d had a really bad day, apologised for doing it and promised I would never do it again. I then, tearfully, told him about my day. I think then he realised and he gave me some comfort. He called me later on, made me laugh and checked I was OK. We again stayed on the phone until he fell asleep and my battery was dying.

And then, tonight. 🙁

Do you want the short story? I text him when I got home but when he called I couldn’t answer his call. It rang for ages because he knew I was in. ☹️ I tried calling back about ten minutes later but he didn’t answer. Eventually a few texts have passed between us but he hasn’t called me back. His answer to why not was ‘because’. I sent a sad face, he sent a wry smile.

After that I didn’t respond and I really thought he would call. He hasn’t.

What to do?

I’m annoyed he is being childish. But I know how he feels when I don’t answer, as that’s how I feel when he doesn’t answer. It’s not unusual in LDRs and I think we both have some anxiety anyway. The other times that there has been tension is for this reason too. And then there’s everything that’s going on… Tensions are high and I have been hard work. I’ve kept him up late the past few nights too. We’ve talked for hours and hours this week… Maybe we just need a break?

I’m not making excuses but I am trying to understand. To forgive him like he has me for my silly, irrational behaviour this week. And other weeks for that matter.

So, just under an hour ago, I sent a text. I told him I missed him and I was here if he wanted me.

About five minutes ago, as I was writing this, I got an ‘ok’.

OK? OK!!!!!!!

So, still not resolved then.

I sent an ‘ok?’ and he hadn’t responded. I don’t know what else to do now. He’s clearly not happy. I don’t think it is justified but everyone is entitled to a bad day. I’ve had my fair share of them.

I’ve got to trust that he’s angry and maybe he just needs some space. I’ve been difficult and maybe he just needs to be away from me tonight. Maybe he’s having a bad day too.

I’m trying not to turn this in to something bigger. I’m trying to remember what he said to me on Sunday and his morning messages this week. But it’s really hard because all I want is his face and his smiles and his voice and our happiness.

Update: I have had a text. ‘Good night and sweet dreams.’

I replied ‘ok baby, you too. I’m sorry I have upset you that much that you don’t want to talk to me. Good night xxx’ He’s read it and not replied.

It will be one of the first times that we haven’t spoken on the phone at all since the beginning. I can’t help but fear the worst.

4 thoughts on “Bad day

  1. This virus is affecting everything… I hope you work out out. Communication and a bit of blind trust are what any relationship needs, especially when life is going helter-skelter like it is at the moment. Hugs x

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    1. I need hugs. ☹️ I’m just hoping it’s a bad day, a need for a break and it will all be OK tomorrow. Him saying goodnight to me, maybe, is his way of reassuring me but letting me know he needs space. I’m trying so hard to not let my mind blow this out of proportion.

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      1. I think you might need some ground rules. Something like: always talk before you deliver the emotional reaction. Emotional reactions don’t work on LDRs, because communication is stifled and it’s impossible to react in a good way. You’re only hurting each other this way, it doesn’t matter whether it’s just a bad day or something more serious. So even if the emotional reaction seems like the more natural thing to do, it’s not nurturing the relationship or building trust. If communication comes first, he can tell you what he needs (joking around maybe) and you can tell him that you’re not up for that because of your terrible day. He can tell you how that makes him feel (rejected maybe, or not a priority) and you can tell him that you don’t mean to make him feel that way, but you also don’t have the bandwidth for his needs just now (or whatever). If you could both trust the fact that you both want to be in this relationship and will work to make it work, there is nothing scary about this kind of communication, and you can pick it up again later and resolve it. It’s only if you both let anxiety take over – because there are no rules, and no common understanding that you are in this together – that these kind of situations become scary for you both and provoke emotional and anxious reactions for both of you… I think.

        Btw, the schools here are managing the first week via email and homeschooling parents. Each teacher has their own style… Summer are super organised, others are coming up with “something” after three days. They are thinking about using Microsoft Teams to establish communication pathways between students and teachers, with which teachers could even hills classes if they wanted to – it just requires more time to set up. At the same time, kids of parents who both work in an essential job (doctors, supermarkets, pharmacists etc) can come to school and be looked after and “homeschooled” by a few teachers on premise, who don’t have a lot of load supplying the other kids with things to do, presumably the PE and religion teachers (yeah they teach religion in Germany…) Maybe this little insight helps a bit.

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      2. Yes I think we both react emotionally and anxiously at times which causes these issues. Ground rules seem a good idea. I certainly need to talk to him about it – I can’t always answer the phone immediately! That’s if we get to the point of talking again. I keep thinking… He said goodnight, he said goodnight. It’s got to mean something! My fear is that I won’t get a good morning. 😐

        We are doing something very similar in school. We have sent banks of work online but are also sending outlines of expectations every couple of days. There’s rumours we will be shut until September though! Not sure how that’s going to work.

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