Lost

I dreamed of him last night. I was travelling to get to him. He called me when I was half way there and everything was OK, we were excited and happy. Then I missed the last train. I called but I couldn’t get through to tell him I was stranded.

I genuinely don’t know what to feel this morning. I’m kind of numb.

There’s a voice inside that is telling me that it will be OK. That he just needed space. He still messaged me. We’ve had an inordinate amount of contact recently and that can’t be sustained. He loves me. He’s frustrated when I doubt his love so I have to trust that this will be OK.

My sister asked me if I was not angry with him. She said he was being childish and unfair. I was frustrated at first, last night. Now, I don’t know. I’m trying to understand why he may have been like that and there are reasons.

I’m hurt he didn’t want to talk to me. There’s a part of me that feels rejected.

I don’t know what to do today. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get my good morning message – my hopes are resting so much on that.

I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to perpetuate his insecurity any further. But if he needs space, if he needs time then I need to give it him.

I don’t want to have a other tear filled conversation. I don’t want to argue with him. We need to talk about it though.

I just want him back. Even if he has been unreasonable. Even if I have annoyed him. I just want him back.

What do I do this morning? I feel lost. I’m trying to run through what I could say or shouldnt do and I can’t think straight. I don’t know what to do for the best. If he’s feeling angry and insecure, does he need contact and love and reassurance? If he needs space, would contact frustrate him further? I don’t know what to do.

He must know how much I love him and miss him. I have to have faith in that too.

I just want to hide away this morning. I don’t know what to do.

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2 thoughts on “Lost

  1. Why not write those things that you want/don’t want down, for him. Then look at all this from a logical point of you: if this is all it takes to break trust and the relationship, it wasn’t worth it. That’s not what you want. Be very clear about what you want, what kind of relationship you want, what kind of communication you want, and don’t let episodes like these forget about that.
    I don’t think that it is going to break anything, but I do think that if this keeps happening, even after you have talked about it, it’s a bright red flag. Even if this is only an indication of his abilities when it comes to conflicts, this behaviour makes any relationship hard work.

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    1. He has messaged me. A simple morning, but at least he has. It definitely needs talking about – we’ve both said we are committed to seeing this through, trying, but our anxieties are causing problems on both sides. I will see what the day brings. Thanks for your advice xxxxx

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