Jealousy, part one.

I’m told, because I’ve searched for it on Google, that jealousy is healthy in a relationship. It shows we care, apparently.

What isn’t healthy, is when we act on it and let our emotions overcome us and so we react in an ill-considered way.

Jealousy often comes from fear and low self esteem – the thought that the one we love will find someone better than us. They will forget us and move on.

It’s important to process your jealousy. What’s causing it? And I just don’t mean, what has your S.O said or done to create it but what were your thought processes in allowing it to breed and multiply. Just like a nasty virus.

I am well aware that my jealousy stems from my own insecurities. It comes from previously dodgy relationships. It comes from societal stigma about my weight and the belief that no one will love me if I am big.

Processesing that jealousy before acting upon it is important. Like the knowledge that whilst I’ve had four/five failed relationships, I’ve pretty much ended each one of them. Sure, I was treated like crap at various points through most of them, but it was me who pulled the final plug each time. They’ve all come back too. Or tried to. Not bad for a fat girl, eh?

I’ve managed to meet some very, very attractive men. Surprisingly so. OK, yes, it hasn’t lasted, but it happened in the first place! I’m not as ugly-average as I think I am.

No, meeting people hasn’t been an issue as such. They’re not queuing out the door or anything, but neither am I as wholly detestable as my mirror image suggests. I just have not managed to meet the right person.

What’s the right person? It used to be a scarily long list of attributes. Now, it’s more abstract than that. It’s evolved.

I will admit, I have a type. After some teasing by my sisters about this, I put it to the test. I found images of all the celebrities that I was attracted to. And well, yes, they were pretty similar. Even if they didn’t have the dark, hopefully curly hair and the athletically tall body I liked, there would always be some facial similarities. So, yes, I have a type. Don’t we all?

But, putting aethestics aside, my ‘wish list’ has developed over the years. And probably simplified whilst becoming more abstract and complex:

1) Attraction and sexually compatibile – someone who loves to give and receive physical contact. Holding my hand or stroking my hair will do just fine day-to-day, thank you. But I want to kiss until my mouth is burning the rest of the time.

2) Someone with the intelligence to stimulate my mind and inspire me. I don’t need him to have a raft of qualifications either.

3) We’ve got to laugh. A lot.

4) Trust, trust, trust.

5) Someone who loves me for who I am, insecurities, imperfections all.

6) This is a hard one to explain. Because at first I thought it existed. Then I decided that it was a fiigment of my literature soaked mind and it did not exist. Then I found out that it does it exist, because I have felt it: The sense that someone completes you. I know this directly contradicts my earlier points. But it’s like… Your soul is now complete yet your mind and body will improve and be stimulated because they are around.

I’ve talked before about my theory that the perfect person for you , and there is more than one, has to meet three sets of criteria. When we date and it fails, it usually because of an incompatiblity in at least one of the areas that cannot be overcome or accepted. Each failed relationship helps us refine and define each area: physical compatibility, mind/personality compatibility and soul compatibility.

The problem I have, is that I have met someone who meets all three. Really meets them. But I’m insecure and jealous, so is he. Oh, and he lives in another country. And, to add insult to injury, an World pandemic keeps us even further apart whilst filling us with fear and panic. Great.

So how do I attempt to deal with this? Today’s effort are in my next post.


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