Love highs and love lows

A weekend of highs and lows. It just seems to be the way at the moment.

Friday was fine overall – we chatted in the day and he called me a couple of times at night. I’m starting to realise more that when he’s quiet it is usually because he is tired.

Saturday, I did not get up in a good place. I’d spoken to one of my friends who had been self isolating for four days due to a medical condition. He’d spent those four days scouring the net about Corona. So by the time I spoke to him, he was extremely anxious. Whilst I had tried to comfort him, some of what he had said stuck with me. I woke up emotional and negative. I was questioning the importance of everything, Wild Card included.

But Wild Card and I got through that. We spoke numerous times over the weekend. The teasing, the laughing, the affection is all there. We even had some sexy talk.

The highlight for me was rather unexpected though. 90% of our communication is through videochat and over the course of a day, we are probably online two to three hours. (That’s what made the day where we didn’t talk much, so bad.)

This weekend though, I got a phonecall. Yes, you read right. A phonecall. ‘So what?’ I hear you say. Well, the thing about a phonecall with someone you are attracted to, is that you can’t focus on their face and expressions. It’s all about the voice. And my goodness, what a voice. I hadn’t realised just how sexy it was! As in, my heart was pounding and I actually felt turned on. Oh. MY.

It also felt a little like when I first met him in person. I knew him, knew his face and his voice, and yet experiencing that without a screen felt familiar and yet other at the same time. I remember sitting in the car on the way back from the airport and just listening to his voice in real life and thinking, wow. Perhaps that’s why it had such an effect on me this week. I’ve heard his voice practically every day for months now, and yet without the video it sounds different. And really, really hot.

Last night ended up being a lowlight unfortunately, after a weekend of positivity.

Where to start. His ex contacted him whilst we were talking. He told me she had messaged him. I remind him that she had messaged him before and he had told me what she said. (She misses him. Nine years and a marriage to someone else later.) He asked whether he should reply and I said it was not my business, at first, which he found amusing. I may have then made my feelings clear about contacting him when she was married. I asked if she knew about me, expecting a no. He admitted that he had told her about me and that he was in a relationship with me. She’d asked him how it was going and he had said good, he liked it.

So I was happy with that. But then somehow we got on to my past relationships and although I told him what I thought he already knew , something I said hit a nerve. He went very quiet very quickly and said he was going. I wouldn’t let him, saying we needed to talk about it. He wouldn’t. I could see he was agitated but he wouldn’t talk. So I talked too much. And cried, again. He doesn’t like it when I cry. He told me that he loved me: ‘you know that’. He said I had done nothing wrong but… I know there was something.

This morning, on what is starting to become a nasty ritual, I sent a long text once again stating what I feel for him. I told him that those past relationships had led me to him, had made me value him so that I could cope with the challenges of an LDR and I really believe that. I told him we needed to talk when he was unhappy with something. He text back, briefly, but said all was well and pretended that nothing had happened. I couldn’t do any more.

Some days, I really feel that the world talks to you, if you listen carefully. There are no coincidences. Whether it’s God or a loved one, I don’t know. But somehow, things fall into place.

For instance, it was my first day in work since the schools shut down. I was asked to do something really unusual – write a letter which I then had to post manually to local residents. It was bizarre but the best thing. I was in the Spring sunshine. It gave me thinking time but equally, it put everything into perspective. I saw beautiful flowers hidden under hedgerows. I saw a red leaf on the ground which looked like perfect pouty lips. Little things that pulled my mind out of despair about Corona and my currently tumultuous relationship with Wild Card.

I got a videochat late afternoon but it was one of those where he wants me present but we have little to say to each other. I suppose it feels like us sitting in the same room whilst one person is watching TV and the other is reading. It lasted about 40 minutes despite that.

After the call, I went on Facebook. Maybe there’s something on there that scans your phone and sends you content pertinent to you. But 3/4 of the articles on there were about self love and the importance of loving yourself if you want a relationship to work. (I haven’t written or searched for self love btw). It all hit home. I’ve got to be more positive. I was allowing everything to drag me down again.

I got up and thought about everything. The messages I had received from the cosmos. That I need to practice self love and that was something that I wasn’t. To value the little things again. I was crying too much, being sensitive too much. It needed to change. I needed to be positive.

How different the other calls were after that! The last call felt like this last few weeks hadn’t happened. We were laughing at the stupid things I have said when our language differences have led to misunderstandings – and believe me they are stupid. We had much fun remembering them and talking through them and we both laughed freely. He is intelligent and witty and I love that about him. And how, even though we are laughing at my stupid mistakes, I can see the love in his face. It’s a weird concept because no other boyfriend has made me feel humble like that but I really like it. He loves me for me, mistakes and all. Highlights and lowlights.

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