I’m being purposefully blunt. Whilst I hope my writing remains respectful, if you don’t want to read about this, I understand.
I’ve been awake since 6.30am which is really annoying as I had hoped to have a lie-in today. I should have remembered to turn off my alarm then.
But I’m back in bed with a coffee and I’m going to wade through yesterday’s events.
Since I’ve been off work, Wild Card has called me even more regularly. Once he checks in, I can expect a videocall approximately every two hours. Some are short, some are an hour or so. There’s not a lot to talk about and yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just want to be near him.
But yesterday was a big first for me: phone sex.!!!!
First, let’s put some context in. I’m weeks away from my 40th birthday. As a person, I think I am that strange mix of coming across as a moralistic prude but actually I have a really healthy sex drive. I’ve grown up in a generation where girls shouldn’t sleep around but it was accepted that boys would (which doesn’t make sense if you think about it). Despite the healthy sex drive, I have said no to men I physically would have loved to have had sex with – I have some standards and respect for myself. This included saying no to Lost Soul on many occasions, even though I was desperate for that physical and emotional connection with him. As a rule, I’ve avoided one night stands although I have had a couple, and apart from one, it was with men I had met a few times so they were not complete strangers. (Yes, I know they still count as a one night stand.)
Maybe some of you would call me repressed – it’s the modern world, if you want consensual sex, have it! Some of you will think the opposite because I have admitted to having one night stands. All I can say to that is, you have to make your own decisions about what you deem is acceptable in your life and culture. I don’t look down on other people’s sex lives and in fact, I am often in awe of them. Before visiting Wild Card, I hadn’t had sex in six years. Yes, six years. The majority of my 30s were in self enforced celibacy. That is a very depressing thought, now that I have realised it.
I wrote every day during my week with Wild Card. I didn’t mention that we had sex, although I think I hinted at it. We had sex. A lot.
It goes without saying, that the lack of physical intimacy in an LDR is a real problem. Sex comforts when you’ve rowed or have had a bad day. Sex is exciting. Sex proves your attraction and wants and needs. Sex connects you. But it is missing in an LDR and is like the white elephant in the room, particularly once you have met and have been intimate.
I have a healthy sex drive. I’m very attracted to Wild Card. Even his voice. The way he looks at me. Sigh. And I’ve experienced what sex can be like with him. But I live in a different country to him. And we are both in lock down.
So how to keep the intimacy going?
What I will say, is that he has always been very respectful. Unlike English men, he has never sent me a ‘dick-pic’ or asked for a picture from me. Until recently, we have not even talked about sex. In fact, I think the first time it was mentioned was in the days leading up to my visit and it was more a fleeting comment. There have been times where he has ended a call because our flirting has become too much and he doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ me. (I’ve translated that to sexual frustration).
But then, I had the phonecall last week. We’d been on videochat and he had switched to voicecall as he was in the street. I discovered his voice had a direct line to my newly awakened sex drive. He sounds so hot over the phone! So, of course I told him that. Maybe that knowledge built up to what he did yesterday.
In the past month, since my week with him, things have built up to this moment. More of staring at each other longingly. Brief recollections about our intimacy when we were together. There have been a couple of times when I have thought he has wanted to talk in more depth, but whether it’s been me or him, they have shut down.
Yesterday, he called me as soon as he got home at lunchtime. We had a brief chat then he went to eat.
An hour later he called me. As in, phonecall, not video.
He knew what he was doing. And it was the hottest, sexiest thing I have ever done in my nearly 40 years. I have never done that before, not with my husband or anyone else. But my goodness, I will happily do it again with him.
He talked me through his wanting me. He told me what he would do if I was with him: there, now. He asked me what I liked about our time together and what I wanted right now. I was new to this, but got lost in the moment, my shyness forgotten. I shut my eyes, pictured him and told him how I missed him and wanted him. I talked about our intimate moments, my favourite moments of being together. And part way through, he asked me if I loved him: Over and over. And he told me he loved me, over and over. To hear his love, and his want and his need for me.. Well, it soon overcame any prudish thoughts or embarrassment I could have had.
Thing is, as it perhaps obvious, I wouldn’t have done that with just anyone. I haven’t done it with anyone. And I guess, with how respectful he has been, he knows that. It was surprisingly intimate: I felt connected to him afterwards. That was unexpected me.
So, with that in mind, our conversation later that evening came as a bit of a surprise. More in my next post.