Understanding.

Following yesterday afternoon’s very interesting phonecall, I was in an enlightened place for a few hours. Probably stupidly, it had left me feeling closer to him and more secure. I don’t know why. It was a first for me, therefore special, but that doesn’t mean he felt the same way.

Anyway, I was enlightened. When he called me again later on, I had gone out for a walk. I wasn’t feeling enlightened any more but this was just due to corona-anxiety plus a weird ‘I want to be on my own to stew but I don’t want to be alone’ mentality. More on that little gem another time.

We had a good conversation about a few things, including the (many) differences in our countries and how this has affected us and our extended families. I enjoy conversations like this because I feel it really helps to get to know each other more. Next minute, he went quiet though and was staring into space. Then, he was asking about my divorce again.

This has happened before. He wants to know why my ex and I have separated. He can’t understand what the issues were. I questioned him and he said two things – one, I apparently change my story each time he asks and he doesn’t understand. Two, he’s worried that I am going be fed up with him in a few years and will ‘fall out of love with’ him too. (He’s really working on the honesty thing)

I tried to set him straight… I don’t change my story, it’s just that there were a lot of issues. Plus, because he keeps asking me, I feel like he’s not understood so have to explain in more depth. How could I not love my husband but be with him 13 years and have three children? I try to explain… I loved him as a person – he is a good man. I thought if I worked hard on the marriage I could make it work. There were a lot of problems from the beginning – most women would not have stuck it out as long as I did. He wasn’t right for me. And I never knew that I could feel the love I had only dreamed about, until recently. Until I met HIM (Wild Card) . I thought love was something you had to work hard for.

He was a little more settled by the end. He said it was my past so he was OK with everything – we still had time to get to know each other and work things out. I, again, told him the strength of my feelings and that what we had was very, very different to my relationship with my ex.

**********

This morning I’ve had another ‘phonecall’ (I’m never going to tire of that) and I sent him a poem that I had written for him which I had attached to one of our favourite pictures of us. He asked me to send it him again but with my name on it.❤️ This evening we have talked for hours again.

He knows me, so well. It scares me sometimes. He knew I was ‘off’ and despite how I tried to explain why, was able to articulate what was wrong with me much better than I could. He then spent half an hour making me laugh, and wouldn’t leave til he knew I was OK. This is why I love him. This is why I need him in my life. He understands me, loves me, cares for me.

And, as an absolute bonus… He is goddam hot.

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