Open – 2/4/2020 (daily prompt)

I started this blog with fear and hope. I’d been in an unhappy marriage for some time. We had separated but had got back together because he still loved me, because he was/is a good man and because I believed he deserved one last chance.

I was open to trying again. Or so I thought. I’d lost faith in love: True love, Soul mates, Connection. I thought it had existed – even that I may have found it – but was proved wrong. I lost faith in it and so I decided to close my heart to that possibility and use my head. I simply believed that if two people wanted it enough, they would work it through and the relationship would survive.

But my heart was closed off. Or my soul. I’m not sure which, but a part of me was closed to it. I knew with the first kiss. I knew. But I hoped, I was open to working on it. It would get better in time.

It didn’t of course. It got worse and worse.

So one day, I started this blog. I believed that my life would change. I was free from the shackles and shame of a failed marriage, free from the pain and unhappiness.

If you read my early posts though, I suspect that you will see that I actually wasn’t open to changing anything. I wasn’t ready. I surrounded myself with my existing life, happy that there was now a husband sized gap but content for the gap to remain empty. Sure, I talked about change but it didn’t happen. If effect, I was giving myself time to truly heal and mourn although I didn’t know that then.

It has taken me along time and a lot of other life changes to truly open my mind, my heart and my soul.

I see now, how narrow my view point was. How small my little world had become. How limited it was.

There’s nothing wrong with that, if you are happy. But I wasn’t.

Slowly, over time, like a red rose unfurling, I have steadily reawakened. No awoken. I’ve climbed out of my rut, started to free myself from my past and my mistakes. I have done things I never thought were possible.

And finally, when I was accepting of my past and my narrow little world but open to so much more, much more found me.

And it’s only the beginning.

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