Choosing and learning

I’ve really been enjoying writing the discover prompts. They’re challenging my creativity, making me think.

Bring honest, I could relate every single one of them to Wild Card. But I wanted to divert my mind from the fact that I wasn’t with him when I should have been, by doing something creative.

It has been a weird week.

Wild Card is struggling with the strict quarantine rules that his country has imposed. He’s been in quarantine longer than me too. He’s bored, he’s anxious and I’m helpless. Of course, this activated my barely controlled anxiety….

He assured me it wasn’t me and talked to me about how he was feeling. Whilst frustrated that I couldn’t help, I think we both felt better that he had shared. I’m not as worried now when he is quiet or when the call is short – I’m pretty poor as a distraction. Quarantine does not give you much news to discuss.

We’ve had a few bumps in the road this week. I could lay the blame on a number of things… His mood, my period, both frustrated about my cancelled trip, boredom, sexual frustration, his joking, my insecurity… Or maybe this is just where we are now, five and a half months in to our relationship.

The first major bump he dealt with by confirming his love for me. He explained his love, gave evidence after evidence of how he loves me. All he wants is for me to be smiling and laughing. He kept saying, ‘I don’t know what’s in your head’, which to me signals his frustration. He feels he is doing all he can to prove his love. And you know what, I actually agree. He did acknowledge though that some of his joking may have triggered my little outburst. We both apologised and moved on.

Unfortunately, the next day brought round two. This time, it was a language barrier -created misunderstanding. But, I think as part of the hangover from the day before, he was really frustrated. I asked him if he wanted me to go and his muffled ‘no’ meant that we stayed online until my phone died. Again, we both apologised, expressed our love and went to sleep.

The next morning, yesterday, I was pretty worked up though. Whilst I could apportion the blame to both of us over the past few days, I was well aware that my insecurities were biting us on the ass. Again.

So, when I got my good morning text I called him – not video – and we talked it out. I’ve read that the best time to have an ‘argument/discussion’ etc is when you have prepared for it… when you’re both calm and thinking straight. So, a little fearful this was going to start round three, I took the plunge.

It was a really, really good conversation. I acknowledged and apologised for my constant need for reassurance and he told me that he doesn’t mind it, if that’s what I need. I told him that my insecurity was probably my biggest flaw. He told me about his mind state at the moment and reassured me that it was nothing to do with me and apologised if it had concerned me. He told me that he has absolutely no problems with me and our relationship at all but thinks that I have, even though there aren’t any. That was a stark comment.

The biggest ‘issue’, if you can call it that, is that I cannot hide anything from him. He knows me so much better than anyone else in such a short time. No matter how I try to hide my worries, thoughts… How I may try to swerve conversations that I’m not ready for, he knows me and knows I’m doing it. This in turn makes him anxious because he worries about what I’m thinking.

So, what I’m saying- what I have realised- is that I’ve found someone that understands me, knows me like no other. That our relationship will have to be built on 100% honesty and truthfulness because we both know when it isn’t. And that is really, really, exciting.

The conversation ended with us both feeling like we had overcome the issues. We had discussed, been open, and worked out the problem, together. We had acknowledged our own faults in this situation. We had found a solution, together.

You would think, having had serious relationships and even being older than him, that I would know what I’m doing. I don’t. He is so different from anyone I have ever been with.

I’ve realised that relationships are very much a learning curve. At the beginning, you hide so much of yourself, give just a little – just enough – to keep the other person interested. But as time goes on, you relax more, show more of yourself. As a couple then, you learn about each other and navigate through the intricacies of each others personality. Some things are a match and the discovery of that brings you closer together. But some things aren’t.

For some, those discoveries, those mismatches, are enough to end the relationship. You’re not compatible. For others, you learn how to deal with, accept, manage those differences. You both shift a little… Realign yourselves, together, and that makes you stronger as a couple.

My internal shifting has been to realise that I can’t manage this relationship like I did my marriage. They’re two different people. I can’t hide anything from Wild Card and neither should I want to or have to. When we have a problem, we talk it out together which is a galaxy apart from what happened in my marriage.

Yesterday I learnt about myself and about us. And I made a decision. I’m choosing to be with him, to love him, to go on this journey with him. So, therefore, I choose to trust him. I choose to believe that he loves me as he says and wants me as he says. Because the only person doubting that is me, with very little evidence. I chose to let go of my jealousy and it helped. I’m now choosing to let go of my insecurity. I’m choosing to show him my true self because he knows who that is anyway. He knows me, loves me for me, so what the hell am I

So, yes, it has been a really weird week. But our relationship has come out of it stronger than ever.

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2 thoughts on “Choosing and learning

  1. I also think a lot of arguments and misunderstandings happening right now can be attributed to – 1. Our general anxiety pertaining to this pandemic 2. We have a lot of free time to overthink 🙈

    Liked by 1 person

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