Intensity and Finding balance. Or not.

Time for a Wild Card update. ❤️

As you can probably see, whilst the daily discover prompts were an attempt to diversify my writing a little, many of them still end up being about him… Sorry about that.

Truth is, this relationship is consuming me. I’ve never felt like this before, for so long anyway. Everyone gets that intensity at the beginning of a relationship, I get that. But I’ve know him now for six months. And for about five and a half of those we have video chatted every single day. And for the majority of those days, it’s for hours (culminatively).

So, yes, it’s intense.

Since lockdown started here, we have adapted into a new routine of sorts. There’s still the morning text message – usually from me now as I am up first due to the daylight saving changes. This is often followed up by him with a videochat – I am in the car with him as he goes to work or we have a chat as he lies in bed having just woken.

Most days, I’m also with him as he drives back home and goes to the shop or when he gets home and is sanitising everything. I quite enjoy being propped up on the bathroom mirror, watching him wash. 😁

We will then part ways whilst he eats or rests etc. Within three hours there is another videochat and then usually one more when he is having tea with me propped up at the dinner table as he eats/drinks with his family.

All the time in between I’m thinking about him. Yes, really. As the hours pass by, I get more tense until he calls (usually) or I cave and call him. Yesterday for example, I called. He laughed and said “You missing me, or what?” and then said that he wanted to call me but I got there first.

No, there’s not much to talk about. There’s the usual catching up of ‘news’ which as you can imagine, never takes long. There’s always a bit of joking and teasing on his part and laughing/ mock sulking on mine. Sometimes I am with him as he listens to music or when he goes on to his roof terrace to watch the sunset. Sometimes I am just there and we don’t talk. And I don’t care. I just want to be with him and I’m guessing, as he is mainly the one to call me, that it is the same with him.

The LDR advice I’ve read has always been to ensure you carry on with your own life and try not to let the relationship dominate. Erm, I think we are both finding that hard, I’m not sure why. Is it just the situation? Is it the intensity of our feelings? Is it because this is still a new relationship? As this is my first LDR and pandemic 😳, I have no point of reference. Finding balance is difficult, no matter what though. I just want to be with him.

Sure, life still goes on. I’m still doing housework and feeding my children. I’m doing school work. I’ve even done some gardening and extra cleaning etc. I speak with loved ones on the phone. But he is always present in my thoughts.

We still have ups and downs, but mostly ups. It’s hardly surprising with the amount of time we are together (would I be on the phone to him everyday for 3-4 hours after six months if he was English? I very much doubt it.) and the fact that we are going through this vile corona situation. And, yes, we are still getting to know one another.

Our main issues are the same although we are getting much better at discussing them – insecurity and jealousy.

I still have moments of doubt. I can’t believe that he is interested in me. I know he loves me, I feel it. But what if I love him more than he loves me? What if I think this relationship is more serious/connected than he does?

My darkest thoughts, when I allow them to surface, are one of the following: 1) I was wrong all along and he is just after a marriage visa. 2) He’s just playing me and has a number of girls on the go. 3) He does love me but will find someone else as he doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. 4) Coronavirus is going to make this too difficult and he will just give up and marry someone locally.

Believe me, if I allow myself to, I can find/twist untold amount of evidence to prove all three.

But I can also find evidence to the contrary:

  • He calls and texts repeatedly, every single day. He has no time for anyone else, at least to the extent he calls me.
  • Daily, I am with him when he is with his family. Culturally, that is very significant.
  • He tells me he loves me, every single day. He sends me e-cards, videos and memes at important points.
  • He spends a significant amount of time every day just making me laugh and smile. He is daft and silly. Just for me.
  • Almost without thinking, he talks about when I next visit, like it is a given.
  • He’s there for me when I need him. He cares. He won’t end a call unless he knows I am happy.
  • He puts up with my insecurity and jealousy. He talks me through my bizarre thinking. Only sometimes does he get frustrated.
  • He gets jealous and insecure himself.

So, that’s where we are up to. I’m in love. Seriously in love. And every day I hope he feels the same way.

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