Bad day yesterday. Not too wonderful today, either.
Just as he is attuned to my moods, I am attuned to his. And he wasn’t in a good mood yesterday.
In trying to explain this situation to my sisters I have come to the conclusion that I have two minds. One is logical, one most definitely isn’t. I’m sure there is a psychological term for this but I don’t know it.
You see, whenever there is an issue or worry, one mind can absolutely rationalise it. I can understand that yesterday, he wasn’t happy because he was worried about something which he told me about straight away. He does that when something is on his mind. He tells me about it, briefly but then moves on the conversation. But his mind doesn’t move on from it. I know this because I know him. My rational brain also heard him say he was very, very tired yesterday. He offered that information. Again, a big neon sign telling me to expect him to be quieter and more serious. I also know that as this is the first week in ramadan, that he is particularly tired. His sleep patterns are all over the place. The hunger and thirst are no doubt affecting him. My rational mind knows this.
My irrational and insecure mind ignored the rational mind. It saw that he wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t making jokes as normal. He didn’t call when I thought he would so clearly there was a problem. He wasn’t talking as much. He was a bit short in some of his responses.
Irrational mind jumped to conclusions. Irrational mind repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly, asked if he was OK. Had I upset him. Was he angry with me. Irrational mind rumminated and panicked and what if’ed. Irrational mind annoyed an already tetchy person. A person who had repeatedly told me he was OK and that I had done nothing wrong. Irrational mind led me to sulking and not acting how I normally would which further upset him.
Logical mind knows that both of us could have dealt with this better. That even though he was acting differently he still answered my calls. He stayed on the phone til there was some sort of resolution. Logical mind knows that there may be a hangover from this situation today and to try to not take it personally.
Irrational mind is worried because I haven’t heard from him yet. It’s wondering if this time, and in current circumstances, I’ve pushed him too far. It’s wondering whether I can actually deal with this relationship at all. Whether it will ever amount to anything. How I will cope if it doesn’t. And is wondering whether I should run.
So after a prolonged wait and numerous anxious calls to my sisters, he finally called. We were on the phone for over an hour.
Something is still not right though. He keeps saying he is OK and that there isn’t a problem. I don’t know what’s going on. He wouldn’t have stayed on the phone for so long if he didn’t want to. I told him I felt nervous and should I and he shook his head. But he’s not himself – no smiling, joking or laughing. No affection at the end of the call although he did behave a little more like himself at the end.
There’s nothing I can do. Asking what’s wrong is getting me nowhere. I think I need to just try to act normal but give him some space.
I said to my sister that I was better off single. Her reply? He makes you happy, you were miserable before. I just need to remember that.