Why? And learning.

The last few days have been much better with Wild Card.

The day after my last post, I continued to be as bright and sparkly as I could be. I ignored any irritability he showed unless I thought it was worthy of comment. I had to comment once. Apart from my standard morning text, I did not contact him but let him take the initiative. I’m not game-playing here. I just felt that, with the mood he had been in, giving him some space and time was important.

Boy was it hard though. I kept busy, making myself do the things I needed to do. I played music and sang to keep my mind occupied. I repeated my mantra whenever I felt myself get anxious.

His contact went back to his usual routine. As before, each call he seemed more and more like himself, but still tired. And he commented repeatedly that he thought I hadn’t missed him.

I’ve continued to read Mark Mason’s online articles and I continue to like them. They make sense. A couple of things he said really struck me and I took the time to really think and work through what he was saying; writing things down and exploring.

I know I over-analyse. It’s the curse of an English teacher. But what I have realised is that I often run with my initial, anxiety driven perceptions. I’ve talked about this before on this blog – nothing new as such – but considering Wild Card’s ‘motivations’ (Mark Manson suggestion), not just his speech and actions was a turning point for me. Asking why.

And the thing about asking why, is you can’t just go off your first answer. You need to ask again. It’s no different from analysing a text. I needed to be much more objective.

My conclusions?

That my own insecurities make him insecure. By questioning his feelings, by being jealous, I am unintentionally making him question mine. And I hate it when he questions mine. So how must he feel?

Somehow, things just slotted into place. I realised that following recent events and the possible cause of them, and his comments about me not missing him, I needed to show him that I do love him.

So, for the last few days, I have done just that. I’ve told him how much I miss him and love him. I’ve sent him the odd text in the day, just to let him know.

And things have been much, much better. Yesterday, apart from his tiredness, he was pretty much back to normal: funny, affectionate and even flirty. I’ve relaxed even more.

So, why did this happen?

He wasn’t himself because of Ramadan. I took his mood the wrong way and behaved badly. It isn’t all about me! This further caused stress for him which made him even more moody which in turn made me more anxious.

Relationships are hard work. And, thinking about it, it seems right that even though I’ve found someone who lights up my world and is everything I’ve ever wanted, it’s natural that I will have anxiety. It’s normal that I will need to learn – look at this way, I’ve only got failed relationships under my belt, haven’t I? Doesn’t matter how amazing he is, I need to work on myself.


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