Hairline

Day two of sulking went better than I thought it would.

After posting my blog yesterday morning, I had real think about everything I had said and had written. I decided that if I was right then he needed more love, not less. He needed honesty.

So I sent my morning text, as usual, but I also told him that I had been thinking about him all morning which was true. But not something I would necessarily tell him, normally.

I got a smile in response and so I called him, not knowing if he was continuing the call ban from yesterday. He was still in bed, sleepy eyed, but we chatted and went through our routine. He was still quiet but I expected that.

As usual, the call ended as he got to work and I was happy with the nearly return to normal. So far so good. Patience and kindness is the way forward.

Not fifteen minutes later, he surprised me by calling. There had been an issue at work and he was on his way home. I was pleased he had called me and shared the problem. When he got home however, he was a little snippy and the call ended a little abruptly. But, considering the previous few days and the morning he had just had, I swallowed down my irrational fears and comforted myself with the fact that the morning had gone better than expected.

Early afternoon, I was doing some reading when I had an unexpected epiphany moment. Everything slotted into place: my anxiety, my behaviour. Things that I couldn’t understand. It’s like the muddle of emotions and thoughts and fears clarified so I could see the way forward. I love it when that happens.

I’ve realised that I am not being true to myself in this relationship, not all the time anyway. I try to hide some of my vulnerability: I hide my thoughts and feelings sometimes, or at least try to. I lie. And those things are not who I am. I’m honest to the point of being blunt. I don’t lie. And with those close to me, I openly share my feelings.

So, it figures, that if I’m not being true to myself, this is causing anxiety. It’s adding to my fear of losing him because I’m not showing my true self and I’m hiding things which then make him anxious. My anxiety and fear then builds to the point that I do something stupid which then causes further insecurity for him.

For him to love me, I have to be myself, vulnerable and honest and all. If I’m not myself then he’s not loving me, he’s loving something false. If I’m more honest I will be calmer. And if I’m calmer there will be less anxiety and less screw ups and definitely less drama. Annoyingly, these are things he has said to me already.

Around 3pm, I took the plunge and called him. I felt nervous but I had to say this stuff, get it off my chest. I changed my mind the moment he answered and was about to end the call but he asked me to tell him what was on my mind, so I went for it.

I could see that he appreciated my honesty and openness. He denied there was a problem still and he said he had no problem with me. He wanted clarification on the times where I had hidden some feelings and thoughts. In the end he said he was happy with my decision simply because I was happy with it. And he certainly seemed happier.

Later on I got a phonecall and he initiated both videochats too – everything was back to normal. The last call involved him once again making me laugh and my children got in on the joke, drawn to the sound of my persistent laughter.

This morning he called again and seems much more like himself. So, maybe the crack is hairline and nothing that a bit of reglazing will sort.

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