Teetering

I know I haven’t posted much recently. There’s a lot been going on but also nothing.

I went back to work. I don’t mind being back in work. I like interacting with the few key worker children that are coming in. I can work without disruption in my office.

But it really scares me. My anxiety has intensified at the thought of the increased risk of being in full time and the fact that my children have to be in school more and learn nothing on the few days they are at home now (their dad works from home).

I don’t agree with the decision to make us come back full time. It’s not safe yet – schools in my area are not open yet. But I spoke to my boss, made my point and whilst there was a suggestion of understanding and support there was an underlying message of ‘this support is limited:get back to work’.

The anniversary of my dad’s death hit me pretty hard too. I was a mess all weekend and cried repeatedly.

Things with Wild Card are OK. We are still in regular contact and I love him as much as ever. He was very supportive about my Dad. And you know, its probably my mental state at the moment but I’ve found that his joking has not been as funny recently and has actually hurt a little. When he realises that he stops and apologises or makes it up to me… But even so.

And then yesterday, it all got worse. I came home from work and was called by my ex. His housemate has suspected corona. My kids were there this week but are with me at the moment. We all need to self isolate.

I’m sure all of you will understand the crippling fear that took over in that moment – the thought that my children could have corona, even my ex could, I could.

Let’s just add a bit more stress though. Let’s add my work suggesting that even though my children are with me and need to isolate, I don’t need to so could come to work. Which mean I leave them at home alone. Which means if they have it and have given it to me, I then pass it on to people in school.

I’m losing all faith in our school’s leadership and that is not a good thing.

I called my doctor and he suggested some time off work for my anxiety (not going to happen) and an increase to my anxiety meds. He gave little advice about the corona other than my kids need to isolate and ‘as a twacher’ I am ‘intelligent enough to work it out and make a decision’. Thanks for that Doc.

So, I have told work that I wi isolate with my kids as I am not leaving them home alone. I will get us tested if anyone has symptoms. And with that, I will leave my anxiety teetering until my Med’s kick in.

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4 thoughts on “Teetering

  1. Good for you, self isolation is the only responsible thing you can do right now. I’m sure you’ll all be just fine, but it’s so important to be as careful as possible. And what a brainless *** of a manager, suggesting you come to work at a school of all places anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

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