By rights, being as today is my penultimate day in work before the summer holiday, I should be in a good mood. I’m not.
I’m not depressed or even anxious – which makes a change. I’m just goddam fed up.
I realised this morning that I have nothing to look forward to.
My summer holiday is usually filled with booked camping trips, a holiday abroad with a friend, day trips etc etc. I have nothing.
My two week booked trip to be with Wild Card has been officially cancelled given that his government are still not letting in tourists. That of course does not help. I’ve rebooked for August in the hope things will change but the likelihood is that I won’t be going. There are too many factors that could stop me.
My relationship with him is as good as ever. We are still in regular contact every single day. Recently he has told me and shown me in so many ways how he feels without actually coming out and saying it. Admittedly, I kind of need that blunt statement of intent and feeling but the more I want it the less likely he will give it me.
It also doesn’t help that during our recent conversations he’s talked about one of his brothers taking his wife for a trip to Stockholm and the other brother and his wife having a cosy restaurant meal post-fall out. I’m jealous. I’d be happy just being in Wild Card’s house with him, going nowhere, but even that isn’t happening.
The summer holidays is stretching out before me as a bland nothing. I don’t want to go camping because I don’t want to deal with people. I don’t want to go to my beloved Lake District because it is reportedly full of people. I don’t want to spend my holiday stuck in my own home because that’s what I’ve done since lockdown when not in work. It’s all blah blah blah.
I’m going to focus on reinstating my fitness regime and working on my new hobby of painting. Even that is boring me.
I want the excitement and anticipation of travelling. I want to be in the arms of the man I love. I want to feel his love. I want to take my children places to inspire them and help them grow.