I was wondering why no one had liked my last post. Was it that bad? Was it boring? Maybe I’m not writing enough or am I being monotonous? I then realised that I hadn’t actually 0published it. Oops.
As a frame of reference, that sums up my mental health quite succinctly at the moment. I’m worrying about everything. I’m otherthinking everything. I’m negative. And I’m forgetful and tired.
And, to make it worse, even when I try to think about things.. to plan, consider and just plain sort my head out.. I can’t. Thoughts rush in and any attempt to slow them or prioritise results in blank. Like faulty breaks – they’re off or they’re on. I need to get to the bottom of the hill but I either let myself roll down and gather speed uncontrollably or throw on the breaks and feel the strain. My mind is definitely kangaroo jumping as I attempt to deal with this. Whatever it is.
I would like to think that I have learnt enough about myself to have stopped this episode from becoming an all-out breakdown. I suspect it is my medication though that it is stopping me from descending fully into the blackness.
My doctor put me back on anxiety meds a few months ago and they have helped a little. But not enough. I probably should have listened when he suggested upping my antidepressant (I am on the lowest dose) but I felt it was more anxiety than anything else. Maybe I was wrong.
It’s well documented that the current crisis is having a negative impact on mental health and particularly for those with preexisting concerns. Stupidly, it’s not even that I am worried about the corona itself as such. It’s the stress and impact it is having on everything else. My job. My relationship. My kids’ education and future. My finances.
Greater awareness of my mental health state is a good thing. Last time it floored me unexpectedly. But… knowing I’m not ‘right’ means that I am doubting my own judgement. I don’t know if my ‘problems’ are causing my mental health concerns or that my mental health is creating ‘problems’. Chicken or the egg.
If I was more settled mentally, would I be able to cope better with the problems that have headed my way? Yes, probably.
Is my mental health making the current issues seem worse than they are? Possibly.
Has the current situation tipped me over? Potentially.
I really, really want to sort my head out. That’s what I want. I want order and considered thought. I don’t want irrationality and overthinking. I want to trust my judgement, but I don’t.
It’s times like these that all you want to do is sleep. Just go to bed, shut off and not think anymore. And that my friends is a big indication that all is not well, whatever the reason.