Maybe, just maybe

My promised part two. Sorry for the wait. I’ve been back to work on top of trying to process everything.

I’m going to break the habit of a lifetime and try to outline the problem succinctly.

My sister thinks Wild Card is only after a visa. Pretty succinct I think. I will warn you, my analysis and exploration won’t be. 😉

To say this stung is putting it mildly. Sure, I’ve had this reaction before – from friends, from her even. She can’t understand or comprehend how I can fall in love with someone I’ve ‘spent one week with’. So, logically, she also can’t believe that he could fall in love with me. Ouch.

So, I will address this point first before trying to deal with the visa shaped elephant in the room.

I’ve never had a long distance relationship before. All my boyfriends have been local. When I met Wild Card online, or even Second (remember him?) I didn’t consider that I could love him. I thought they’d be…well, I don’t think I thought anything much, other than it would be fun to flirt with them and talk to them. I didn’t think I would feel more either.

But, we don’t love someone because they are right in front of us. Soldiers and sailors are separated from their loved ones. Flight attendants. People who simply get a job abroad. Students. People who have died. Them being aways from us doesn’t stop the love we have.

Sure, those examples are perhaps from people whose relationships start out in person. Ok.

I videochat with Wild Card every day. Numerous times every day. For ten months. Sometime we chat, sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes we are just silent and just occupy virtual space.

As much as I think is possible, I know him and he knows me. And I love what I know and he tells me he loves what he knows.

#Loveisnottourism has thousands upon thousand of couples with a myriad of county combinations to see. You can love from a distance.

Now the biggie…the visa issue.

It’s not like I haven’t thought about this or even, though I hate to admit it, still do sometimes. But my fear comes through insecurity (why else would he possibly be interested in disappointing-old-me) in the main. I can’t deny that his nationality has fueled that of course- would I think the same if I was dating a young handsome American? Nope. I hate that my brain leads to that.

So maybe that’s why her opinion hurts so much. First, because of the implications that he can’t love me or want me for any other reason. Second, that I have been fooled and duped by him which makes me an idiot, and finally, conversely, that he has done nothing to deserve this opinion and this is the man I love.

I’ve never disclosed his nationality on here. Partly because of fear that I would get similar comments here, but also because it shouldn’t matter. When you read my posts about him, I want you to understand from my details of his actions and speech, not from his birth certificate.

However, as I have just proven, there are certain countries where citizens want to leave and do this through a sham marriage. There are also some countries where this is unlikely to happen.

Truth is, I will never be 100% sure until sufficient time has passed. That hurts, but it is true.

I know that these scammers use a multitude of tricks and manipulations to persuade their victim that they are loved. Time being one of them. They put the leg work in.

99% of me doesn’t believe he is like this 99% of the time.

I’m not the easiest option. It is ridiculously hard and expensive to get a visa for the uk – he is attractive and charismatic enough to tempt a woman from a much ‘easier’ country. Whilst I have a good job and house etc, I have three dependent children – one of them only 6 years old. I don’t have the disposable income that a woman older than me could have.

And you know what? I’m hard work. I’m over-emotional, suspicious and jealous. I’m not as gullible as some because my low self esteem won’t allow it. I haven’t fallen for his declarations without questions and doubt. I know he gets frustrated with this. And hurt.

But then, he is hard work too. He can be moody. He can take a joke way past funny. He sometimes isn’t as openly loving or romantic as I would like.

He’s never promised me anything or asked for anything. He doesn’t try to sell me a tale of a perfect love or marriage or life – in fact, he has pointed out how hard this will be.

What he does do, is give me his time. Day after day. To give someone so much of yourself, your time, your life, that has to mean something. Because if he doesn’t love me by now, each moment of that would be difficult particularly when it’s so frequent. It’s also, arguably, unnecessary. Despite my obvious insecurities he knows I love him. He has no need to call as frequently as he does. I can only assume that he loves it as much as I do.

Take today. As I am back in work now, our daily calls have gone from 6++++ to two. No morning call on the way to work or back to it (x2 as he comes home for lunch). But today, he was travelling to another city on business. So this morning, something he has never done, he surprised me with a 7am videocall before he went to the train station. And then another when he arrived at the station, before I went to work. He has never called that early before and he didn’t have to – since being back in work we have our morning texts and evening calls only.He must have wanted to speak to me, surely, or else – why bother?

The reason for my sister’s recent outburst is just that though. She thinks that because we don’t have ‘meaningful conversations’ all the time, its a fake.

I told her that if I am having a meaningful conversation, I leave the room and go somewhere private. So she wouldn’t hear anyway. Secondly, we talk so frequently that there often isn’t something in depth to discuss. Thirdly, how many meaningful conversations does she have with her husband every day? (Very few, apparently). And finally, I like what we do. I like sitting with him virtually while he eats or drives. I like watching him wash when he gets up. I love feeling a part of his every day, mundane life. Because I feel like I am with him.

So in effect, I told her, her only justification is his nationality and that’s not fair.

There is of course a middle ground.

Maybe he wants to migrate. Maybe he wants a multicultural marriage. Maybe he is attracted to podgy 40 year old Brits.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

It may mean, like everyone else who dates online, he has made a selection. How is this different to selecting someone by their height, weight or education? Their eye colour, age or political views? Dating apps allow you to filter all the time – why is this so wrong? Arranged marriages have happened for centuries and love wasn’t the indicator of a successful marriage.

So maybe there is a middle ground and he loves me. Or maybe he is an expert liar. Or maybe, just maybe, he met me and fell in love.

4 thoughts on “Maybe, just maybe

  1. I agree with you. Why the intense effort and personal investment of he could have a visa much easier? You’re right, you don’t have to be standing in front of somebody in order to love them. That’s a very narrow idea of what love is, in my opinion.
    On the other hand, even white Europeans could be looking for an easy catch to silence pressure from the extended family – or an easy adoptive mother for a semi abandoned child, or somebody to do the dishes and the cleaning, etc etc. I just did a work course unconscious bias today – that’s exactly what your up against. The first question for your sister would be – according to this course – to ask herself where this assumption (people from X want visas) comes from. Does she know of real cases? Are they really that similar? The next question is whether the stereotype she is referring to actually fits Wild Card’s behaviour. Etc etc. Don’t let her bias unsettle you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s what I think too. His attentions would be excessive for anything else other than mutual love, I think. I love every second of him. Wow that’s really interesting and very true – I hadn’t thought about that! There are the stereotyped younger woman after an older man’s fortune too, I suppose. We have come to a truce, of sorts, but whilst I have asked her to get to know him more, we both seem to feel awkward when he calls now which is a shame. X


  2. First, not to sound too defensive but I hate the idea that some people from some countries have about people from other countries. The full idea that he might be faking it for visa purpose because he is from a certain country is offensive to me. It’s generalizing a whole country filled with different kinds of people. I’m from India and these kind of generalizations really bother me.
    Secondly, no one’s opinion should matter if it feels right to you. I know your sister means well but it’s your life and only what you think matters.
    Thirdly, what may or may not happen is way in the future – why ruin the present by trying to predict the future? I think love means being vulnerable.
    As long as you have no clear reason to believe he’s faking it, please don’t overthink it and just enjoy being with the one you love. ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

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