Implosion

One thing after another. I feel like I have used that phrase a lot over my 30s.

The problem is, when all those things cover every area of your life -at the same time – you can feel like your life is imploding. You have no control. No way out.

That big gaping void then opens out infront of you. Sometimes it drags you in. Maybe you step into it willingly, eager awaiting the bliss of numbness.

The void is taunting me from afar at the moment.

On Friday, I met the new CEO of the academy which is taking over the school. She opened the meeting by commenting on my previous absence and change in roles – the two things I worry about. The meeting wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t good either. I’ve worried about it all weekend, things I should have said. I have a follow up meeting today.

My ADHD (and probably autistic) 13 year old has not coped with the return to school. He never does, to be fair, but with the rules and changes around covid he is even more anxious. That then becomes agitation and aggression and unavoidably led to a melt down and violence last night. It was all a mess. Even more so because my daughter called her Dad and so my ex turned up and it all got worse.

In the middle of all that, I was trying to deal with an issue with Wild Card which is still not resolved. I will happily outline my stupidity for all to see.

I told a white lie. I regret it. I don’t even understand why I did it. But in that moment of stress and overthinking, it seemed like the easiest option. It would mean I wouldn’t need to explain or go into detail. It was simple.

He called me, and I was on the phone to my son’s best friend’s mum (see, confusing already). We were talking about our sons going to the gym and touched on the difficulties at present with school and their SEN. When the call ended, my head filled with fighting children, school issues and gym bookings, I called Wild Card.

I apologised for not answering his call and in a moment of stress induced madness, I told him that I had been on the phone to the gym, booking my son in. I have no idea why I didn’t just tell the truth. Maybe I thought he wouldn’t believe me. I know I didn’t want to explain the whole long tale of my son’s melt down and then the difficulties of trying to book them both in online which led to texts and phonecalls. In that moment, that explanation seemed to summarise everything succinctly.

But, as always, he knew I was lying. And instead of just owning up and telling the truth, I panicked and lied a bit more to hide my initial lie. And so it went on. He ended the call rather quickly so I knew he wasn’t happy.

An hour later, and I called. He started to question me. Unfortunately, I was aware of this, and like a panicking child lied some more to get myself out of it. Pretty much throughout the painful conversation. At one point he was suspicious that I had been talking to someone else. I made him think that, just by lying in the first place.

How do you own up to a tangle web like that? In the end I had to. I tried to explain. But he just told me goodnight.

I’ve messaged this morning and tried, succinctly, to explain I wasn’t thinking straight and that I had just kept it simple. I apologised profusely.

I got a thumbs up and he has read and but not responded to anything else since. I don’t blame him. The initial lie was stupid and bad enough, but my subsequent lying just made it a whole lot worse. That’s why I usually tell the truth. That’s why I am no good a lying. And I don’t know how to get out of this mess. I’ve apologised but there really is no excuse.

All I can donis leave him to calm down and see what happens. I can’t apologise any more or tell him I love him any more than I have. I’ve just got to hope he will forgive my stupidity.

If he doesnt, I guess I’m going head first into that void.

2 thoughts on “Implosion

  1. This is not a time to be hard on yourself. In situations like this, support and understanding is key. Never mind what you said or did.

    Does he have a family? Kids? If he does a reassuring reaction would have been the supportive thing to do. To say ‘hey, been there, I get it’. It’s trickier if he’s childless…

    Take a step back, breathe, and focus on your son and yourself. Ride the emotions you feel toward your friend. The despair, the sadness…let yourself feel it without acting on it. This is very hard to do but an important step to maintain your sanity.

    You can do it. Let us know how it goes.

    Liked by 1 person

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