Passive aggressive pain

I waited until 5.45pm and decided to call. Having spoken to my sister (the one who likes Wild Card) and a friend separately, they’d both said a similar thing – yes, I made a mistake but it was nothing huge. He has over-reacted and I just need to give him time.

When I called he answered the phone. He was in his work vehicle and was driving. He answered the way he always does and for a second I had hope that all was well.

But then there was an awkward silence and he said we would speak later.

I ended up calling him again though, later when he was at home. And although he said there was no problem and he was not angry that was clearly not the case. He read and typed on his phone the whole time we were on videochat. He pretended he didn’t hear me when I spoke. I got one word answers.

I apologised. No response. I asked if he wanted me to go. That’s your business. Did he still want to be with me? Doesn’t matter. None of your business.

I was in despair. He answered the phone and didn’t ended the call quickly but was clearly not happy with me. In the end, he was called for dinner so said goodbye. I sent him a message, trying desperately to explain and turn things around while he was gone.

When he must have returned to his room I got an ‘OK’ and a ‘goodnight’. No night time call.

I cried that night and my sleep was disturbed. I woke the next morning feeling heavy and glum. I fought tears for most of the day.

He responded to my morning text but ignored a later one where I told him that I would be late home. So naturally, by the time I got home I was not good.

I waited until 6.30 but when he didn’t call, I again called him. He had just finished work and was driving home. Upon entering his home though, he started arguing with this mum and so said he would speak to me later. I got a brief call about an hour later, telling me he was out with family and would call again.

Part of me felt better. He was answering my calls. He had called me back. But the warmth was gone, the conversation, the smiles.

Again, by 9.30 I had heard nothing. After an argument with myself – if he wanted to speak to you, he would call – I decided to try anyway. I love him, i want to speak to him and I want to show him that I don’t want this to end.

He answered, surprisingly as he was at a family’s home. He showed me on the video and as usual, there was silence as he cannot talk to me when there – its a cultural thing. I mouthed ‘are you ok’ and the call ended. There was then a text back and forth – pretty much in line with the previous night’s call. He gave one word answers.

Then, during a pause where I honestly could not think of a thing to say to revive the converstaion, he sent this:

“I am thinking that you were not well, lying to me. I can’t believe it.”

Wow. You can read so much into that, can’t you? Like he never thought I would lie. That he thought better of me. His disappointment. Sadness. And, yes, anger.

I sent an answer. I explained that yes, I was really stressed at that time. That I made a mistake, panicked when he called me out on it and lied to cover it. I reminded him how well he knows me, that he knows when I hide things or lie and that I have never done this before and will promise never to again. I told him how much he means to me.

I was rewarded with a short call when he got home – normality. It was short, but always is, and there was perhaps a little less anger but still no real conversation. Another day of limbo and grief.

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