The continuation

Yesterday, I had a little more hope. The fact that he had called me at night…well, I had hope that things would be a little better.

I got my reply morning text…Good. no terms of endearment but that was expected.

But, once again, it got past 6pm and nothing.

Part of this may be about things resuming normality. Lockdown is over, summer holidays are over- in the beginning there were one or two calls in the evening. But I suspected that he was perhaps still unhappy.

So, I sent a text. Just a how’s your day kind of thing. It’s what I used to do, in the early days, so he knew I was home. It’s what he used to want me to do.

After about 20 mins I got a thumbs up. Yep, that’s it. So I called, again.

We were back to square one. Claiming there was no problem but not actually talking to me. This time though, I kind of lost it. I asked him if he still loved me, if he still wanted me. No answer. So I started crying. At first he just looked at me, then he started to look away, his arm over his face – upset himself, I felt. But the longer he didn’t answer, the more upset and panicked I got. He wants to finish it but doesn’t know how. Then, my emotions overwhelmed me. Real crying. The kind that comes from deep inside and that threatens to stop you breathing. The kind where you sob. I couldn’t look him in the face. I dropped the phone and covered my face.

He called my name, told me to come here. I picked up the phone. He told me to stop crying. It took a while. He repeated calmly, ‘I said stop’.

For what seemed like a long time, we just stayed on the phone, not talking. Me trying to stop the tears, and him just being there. He brought the phone closer to his face and just looked at me.

And then, he broke the silence with ‘give me a kiss’. I wiped my face, brought my lips closer to the camera and kissed him.

After that was a few moments of awkward talking. He made an effort, finally, but we were clearly both still bruised. I guess, once he saw I was calm, that’s when he ended the call. We said goodbye, and this time he returned my kiss.

Barely an hour later, he called me. Again, the conversation was slow and stilted, but there was progress. I even got some smiling when I asked to see some pictures from when he was younger, without that gorgeous black beard he has now. We both laughed a little at how much he has changed.

Then, weirdly, but perhaps explaining a little, he was in the kitchen when his mum came in with her phone – his brother on videochat.

Wildcard put the phones side by side so I could only see him, and started a very heated conversation with his brother, whom I could hear ‘hmm’ing occasionally. I know there is an issue at Wildcard’s work and I’m guessing there may still be one at home too. He was clearly agitated about something. At one point , I wondered if he was telling his brother about our argument, but I don’t believe he would do that in front of me or his mother. And yes, it isn’t all about me.

When he went back it to his room he was clearly still keyed up but again answered that he was ok. He isn’t. I feel bad that I have contributed to that, but maybe his current mood and reactions are about wider things. He occasionally tells me about his problems at work, but never those at home. He’s kind of private that way although I always tell him I’m here for him.

All I can do is hope that whatever the problem it will pass and I will get my boyfriend back .

2 thoughts on “The continuation

  1. Two things: I don’t like how he is appeased after you have broken down and he has visible proof that you are hurting and “properly” sorry. To me, that smells fishy. On the other hand, different cultures have different values when it comes to privacy. Family problems could be something one does not talk about to anybody who isn’t family, in the strictest sense. Not everybody (man?) choses to speak about their issues with their significant other, too, because they don’t want to pull them into the mess. Still, the fact that he has family problems is not your fault, and they are no reason for you to feel bad. It’s not your role to step back from your needs and feelings because of something you didn’t know about, or something that he is choosing to keep you in the dark about.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you’re saying. Why wait until I was that upset? But, as things are still not right, I guess that he feels enough to not want me to be that distressed. The fact that things still aren’t quite right, well that worries me. He appeased me just to stop me being distressed, not because he has forgiven me. The alternative of course is that he is manipulating me, to teach me a lesaon. All I can say is, he looked upset too and I have never seen him like that before.

      He has never spoke about his family problems, only to tell me there is a problem. I have to respect that.

      Liked by 1 person

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