A pondering update

Things have slowly got better with Wild Card as the days have gone on. He actually called me yesterday morning on his way to and from work – like he normally does – and I had not been convinced that he would. I’ve had kisses at the end of calls and even a return to some of the teasing and joking – last night in particular, he called in a great mood and I felt the world was right again.

Today, however, he has been quiet again. We had a brief chat this morning and then I called this afternoon. He was sleepy, not very chatty, but OK.

And I suppose this is the problem now. Is it the first time I’ve called and he has been sleepy and not chatty? Absolutely not. It happens relatively often- particularly at the weekend. And who can forget the stress-fest that was Ramadan? But now, every nuance of potential negativity takes on a whole new meaning.

Of course, you know I am an avid over -analyser. He’s either sulking and hurt, sulking and teaching me a lesson, or has other things on his mind too. And yes, I have asked. He won’t answer.

Which is childish, I know. I wonder if he is thinking our relationship is not working despite trying to rebuild, but he is just not feeling it anymore. Yet, at present, he is still answering calls, still keeping me on the phone, still calling me – albeit a little less perhaps.

I’ve talked to my sisters and my best friend. I have been brutally honest. I’ve made it clear that whilst the first ‘mistake’ wasn’t that big of a lie – more an amalgamation of two actions to make explanation clearer – my subsequent behaviour was out and out lying. I panicked. I tried repeatedly to cover up my mistake out of fear. I was wrong.

As you can probably imagine, they are very supportive of me. They think that he is over-reacting and that my inital comment was not worth the grilling I got. I didn’t lie about anything major. And as I have apologised, profusely, he needs to just get over it.

I don’t know. He knows I am not a liar and it was out of character. That made him believe I was actually hiding something when I wasn’t. I know how that feels and it is awful. I let him down. He was- is – upset. I get that.

But what else can I do? And you know, this was a first offence. If he can’t get over this… well, there’s nothing I can do. I’ve asked and he has said exactly that, nothing. I’ve made it very clear that I love him and want him and I will not do it again. There are no other hoops I can jump through.

My youngest sister, the one who has always been supportive and likes Wild Card, asked if this is what I really want. Is his reaction worth it for something so trival? She also believes that there is probably more going on in his life that is affecting him. I know there has been, although he has never told me what. Maybe I was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I worry that he doesn’t always share these details? He has no obligation to and has confided in me from time to time.

Fact is, things will get better or they won’t. If I am the problem, he will forgive and forget or he won’t. And if he doesn’t – no matter how much this pains me to say it- do I really want to be with someone who behaves like that? I’m not a bad person. And relationships are about forgiveness and acceptance – getting to know someone is about getting to know their faults and deciding if they outweigh the positives. Knowing your own boundaries is key here, I suppose.

My ex was a sulker/grudge holder. I am not. I go up and I come down again. Life’s too short for grudges. The difference is of course, that when you are in a traditional relationship, your proximity means that you are more likely to resolve issues quicker. I don’t have that with Wild Card – I really think it is harder to reconcile over the phone, without the physicality and closeness. I can’t cuddle up to him.

All I can do is wait, then.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s