Honest reflections

Has it really been over two weeks since my last post?

The situation with Wild Card resolved itself. Things got back to normal.

It has made me think though- of course it has. When does it not?

I still love him as much as ever. He has been a daily part of my life for 11 months now. He is a part of my routine.

I miss him achingly every single day  despite the texts and the two or three videochats a day. I think about him when I wake up, when I go to sleep. After all this time, and despite the ups and downs, and only being with him once, I still feel the same.

That’s not to say that all is perfect – roses and hearts and dreamy eyed happiness. No relationship is perfect. We are human, after all.

I still worry that I feel more than him. I blame a history of poor relationships which have damaged my self-confidence and beliefs. I also think he doesn’t help this sometimes too, with his teasing and joking.

One of you advised me – ‘love should feel like love.’ You’re so right. And I have been thinking about this, believe me.

Do I feel loved?

Yes, I do, most of the time. It’s in my daily calls. In the twinkle in his eye when he teases me. In all the times he checks I am OK. The times when he delays eating with his family to talk to me or ensure I am alright. It’s in the ‘I love yous’ and the ‘baby’s. It’s in his kisses and his smiles. In his extra calls.

And the times when I don’t feel loved? Well, this is the problem. I’m not entirely sure that these times are not of my own invention – when I am insecure and when I don’t get what I expect.

Because, don’t we all experience love differently? Don’t we all show our love in different ways?

Wild Card is a dream I didn’t know I needed. Falling in love with him was a surprise.

I had made a life for myself. I was content. Perhaps not happy as such, so my sisters say, but content.

And he was more than I expected I would find…

To find someone I was wholly attracted to, mind body and soul who apparently likes me too. 

To find someone who challenges my thinking, inspires me. Someone who supports me and cares for me. Someone who is strong but isn’t afraid to show vulnerability too. Someone with ambition but who can be humble.

Someone who loves me, despite my flaws and failings. A man who loves me enough to put effort into our relationship. Who wants the best for me, for us.

And he is all of that and so I’ve imagined a life with him there and I have imagined him here.

I love his culture, his lifestyle, his connection to family. I love the values that we both share.

I want to be with him. I want to live with him. I want a life with him. I know that.

But for that to happen, I need to know he loves me with the depth of feeling I do. That he feels our connection and the good things that have come from being together. I need to know he sees this positive future that I imagine.

Part of the problem, is that I can’t believe it. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect.  Sometimes he is just plain hardwork. But I still can’t believe I, me, I have found this man and feel this love.

So I distrust it. I don’t trust my thoughts and feelings and I am suspicious of his. You’ve been wrong before, I tell myself. You’re letting your imagination run away with itself, I prompt.

How do I combat that? It is not going away. It doesn’t seem to matter to my brain that he always calls. That he forgives me when I do or say something stupid. That we are surviving this situation with Covid. That he talks about the time that we will be together with certainty. That we have been together eleven months.

The problem is me, I know that. And of course, that just makes me feel worse.

2 thoughts on “Honest reflections

  1. I love that you feel loved:). And those inner demons? I’ve learned to put down my sword and stop fighting them. Instead, I say, “Ok. You’re here. You’re in my inner sanctum. Your smelly feet are on my coffee table. And you’re yammering away. Keep at it. Because I’ll pay you no mind. I’m cleaning house. And soon you’ll tire from the lack of attention.” Try it! Sounds crazy, I know. But you’ll get there:).

    Liked by 1 person

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