Straight and clear

I’ve often wondered if I have some form of SEN, following my son’s diagnosis. I know I am not alone in doing this. Maybe it’s due to reading through all those symptoms and recognising some in yourself…I don’t know. It can be hereditary so it has to come from somewhere.

I like things to be straight and clear. I like to know what I am doing. I don’t like blurred lines or uncertainty. Or last minute changes that make no sense. The fact that my career in English teaching has evolved my ability to analyse and see multiple possibilities and interpretations probably doesn’t help me here. The desire, no the need to know can often be overwhelming. My sisters, and daughter for that matter, often joke about this trait in me. I don’t find it funny – I just want to know where I am at.

Last night, Wild Card called me in some distress. His mum had taken ill earlier in the week and he had taken her to hospital. I will never forget the look on his face when he called me from the hospital, the distress and pain in his fleeting call. Or his crying when they got home. He had never cried before, he told me. He has not been himself almost week, understandably. Last night, his mum had told his she was still unwell and he was worried sick.

He opened up to me, talked about what had been going on recently, where before he had only hinted. He criticised himself and his actions, blaming himself where there was no blame. His description of himself – wanting things to be straight and clear, openly speaking his mind – was just like me. His self-imposed guilt and grief and love for his mother made me love him even more, if that is possible.

Of course, I wouldn’t wish his mother or him ill. But is it wrong that I was glad he was opening up to me? That he had turned to me when he was at his worst, again and again? That he could show me the most vulnerable side to himself and wanted me to be there for him?

I hate that he is pain. My heart ached as I watched and listened because, what could I do? Not even hug and kiss him. But I was there, at least I was there.

I love every part of him. Every last part. And I willing him to love me too. I know, deep in my soul that we would be good together. I just don’t know if that will ever happen. He wants everything to be straight and clear, but I am not 100% sure what that means in relation to us. It is not a decision to be taken lightly, I know. But I need to see that it is in one of the interpretations.

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