I want to call him but I can’t. It is nearly midnight there. He will probably be asleep.
Tears threaten again.
I’ve spent the last couple of hours in a bizarre state that I can’t quite name. Anxious but numb. Grieved but angry. Disappointed but relieved.
Unhappy probably sums it up reasonably well and yet not quite.
What am I doing?
To feel this insecure after a year… to still be affected when I should be able to shrug it all off, confident in the knowledge that all is OK. But I don’t. Something takes over. The quiet voice in my head is unheard or ignored and I allow myself to free fall in to pain and doubt and tears.
Tonight though, I got angry. He’s not seen angry too often. He tries to laugh it off, to joke. Not this time.
This time, I got really angry. I swore and I put the phone down. I haven’t done that before.
Of course he called me back. And I hesitated, just a little, but I wasn’t strong enough to not answer. He was shocked.
We talked about it. He made me smile a few times. I cried. He said he didn’t understand. Like I should be confident in all this. So why am I not?
He wouldn’t let me go until I was calm. He asked me again and again…did I hate him? Was I angry? Was I sad? By the end of the call I wasn’t anything. This unnamed emotion. He had fear in his eyes.
I don’t know who’s to blame.
I don’t know if I can carry on like this. I never thought I would write these words.
The insecurity is killing me. It doesn’t matter how much he calls. How much I am part of his life. How often he tells me he loves me. His care and his time…I still worry. I still get anxious.
At times he doesn’t help. It is his nature to tease and joke. Sensible me, that little voice, knows it. But my heart is uncontrollable where he is concerned and I fall for it. Is it his insecurity that makes him act so?
But when will I be secure?
I’ve asked in my LDR group. I’ve told them of my happiness and my love and all the ways in which he is right for me. And then the doubts and fears. They tell me this is normal. This in LDR. You have to talk it through, explain your feelings.
And I do. And he listens. And he tells me I am crazy and he can’t understand how I think that way. Like I should be confident in all this. ‘I give you all my time’ he says, and he does. So why can’t I feel secure?
So tonight, I consider giving up. Maybe he isn’t right for me. I’ve been wrong before. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe he deserves better. Maybe covid has destroyed what could have been.
But just the thought of saying goodbye…my world threatens to implode. My chest tightens and my heart pounds. How would I ever live without him? I never want to be without him. I’m crying now, just thinking about it.
Is it my need to control? My mum thinks it is. He’s the only one who doesn’t need that from me. I don’t need to mother or fix. So I have no control. To give up gives me the control. But I don’t want to.
I want to be with him.
I want to be with him.
So why am I so scared?