It is pretty obvious that I’m a thinker. A dweller. A ruminate-r. So, after reading the wonderful advice I received this morning, I didn’t know how to answer. I needed to think.
Luckily for me, my children were still asleep, the dog didn’t seem to want the toilet yet and so I just lay in bed, gazing at the sunlight peeking around the curtains and just thought.
As is often the case, things felt a little better this morning. I cringed inside at my behaviour (he hates it when I put the phone down on him and I haven’t done it in months and months and months.) I thought about his. I thought about my feelings and our ‘future’. I thought about the advice I had received and the absolute truth within it.
And then I called him. Yes – I know, I know. But I needed to. He normally calls me in the morning, but I needed to speak to him before my youngest came bounding in. It was gone 9am by this point and usually there would have been some contact so that didn’t help either.
He was asleep. I woke him. And as he turned his lamp on and I saw those big brown eyes looking at me, and heard his sleepy voice, he had me all over again. He asked me repeatedly if I was OK but it wasn’t long until we were interrupted.
The call ended and I was determined to heed some of the advice given to me. Today was about making myself feel better. Me time.
So I showered, I shaved, I moisturised top to toe. I spent ages on my make up and hair whilst my daughter chatted to me, lying on my bed. I put clothes on that she said made me look pretty and I tried to feel better. It worked a little. I certainly felt calmer.
I had another couple of calls from him then took my children to their Dad’s. I then MADE myself clean the house. No feeling sorry for myself and dwelling. So I cleaned. I made a fire. I folded washing. I put happy music on and sang and danced. I can’t tell you I didn’t think about him, because I did. But I tried not to.
Without making me ill, covid has affected me and my relationship in a number of different ways. It has stopped me from seeing him and potentially progressing our relationship. It has stripped me of doing all the things that I used to do to fill my time, as in when I first met him and when I was content with my lot. And it has given us so much more time that I think we have both become more dependent upon each other. I don’t know if that would have happened automatically as our feelings grew, or not, but having more time to do it certainly has contributed.
During my cleaning, I’d gone outside to the bin and heard the familiar sound of geese flying overhead. The sound automatically makes me think of my father. It’s not an unpleasant sound and it doesn’t bring back unpleasant memories but naturally it brings a sadness. On this occasion though it actually brought some creativity and I ended up writing a poem about my dad and about all the things that remind me of him at this time of year. I actually shared it on Facebook as I have family members that I thought would appreciate the sentiment.
I was beginning to make myself something to eat when I heard the familiar ping of my phone. When I looked, Wildcard had written two lines: ‘you love your dad’ ‘and me I love you baby’. I replied that I loved him too. He told me that he hated to see me sad and that he was here for me, I knew that.
This this is why I love him. He could have just liked my post. He could have checked in on me when he called not 10 minutes later as planned. But instead he messaged to tell me he loves me, to tell me he is here for me and that he wants me to be happy. This is why I love him.
He did call as usual as he set off on his daily evening walk. Tonight we reminisced about our time together, remembering things about that week that were so special. I felt calm and loved – the way it should be, the way it is when I’m not worrying.
When he got home, he prepared his dinner and I got mine. This is a new thing for me. I can count on one hand and the amount of times I’ve eaten over video chat in a year. Ridiculous I know, as I clearly ate with him when I was with him, but I really struggle with this. He however eats in front of me nearly every day. So this week I’ve been making an effort to slay that and although I’m a little uncomfortable I kind of like it too. Like we’re eating together.
The rest of the 2-hour call was spent with him making me laugh and laugh and laugh. I know him well enough to know this is his way to support me and make me happy. In return, I love the smile on his face and his laughter just as much.
So where does this leave me? I know I can’t leave him. No matter how hard this is at times – and it really is – I know it’s hard because of how much I love him. But I can’t give up on him. I also can’t change who I am. I am anxious I am insecure and I try my best everyday to not be like that, but I am. At the same time, I think my friend is right in that I need to spend some time focusing on me and my own happiness. Maybe when we come out of this lockdown in just over a week I will be able to do more independently. Maybe.
For now, I just need to carry on, I need to have faith and have hope and I need to remember that life has a way of working out the way it’s supposed to.