I need to step away. Not because I love him any less, but because I can’t love him more.
Another call which ends in tears.
Tonight we laughed, and I mean laughed, at a stupid present I bought him. And it was stupid, there is no doubt about that.
So why did I cry?
Because he asked me why I wanted to send it. It was a rhetorical question – part of our shared joke. But the truth slammed into me.
I wanted to send it because I love him. Because I want to show him how much I love him. Because I want him to be happy.
How can my tears be making him happy? They can’t and they don’t.
Here is the simple truth behind every tear…
I’m nothing special. His previous girlfriends sent him presents. His previous girlfiends loved him passionately, just like me, and still do.
I’m no different than the others. Except…
I’m far, far away. I can’t kiss him gently to show my love. I can’t make him breakfast or go on long hand-held walks, sharing life. I can’t plan for our future because I don’t know how long that future will be. I can’t be there for him, physically, when things get tough.
I cry when I miss him. I cry when I’m disappointed I can’t see him. I cry when I think he can never love me like I love him. I cry when I think that one day, he is going to see I’m nothing special. I cry when each one of those girls try to get him back.
My philosophy in life has always been: if you work hard you can achieve. I am where I am through sheer hard work.
I can’t work any harder to show him my love, to show him that I am worth loving. Hard work can’t make me special.
I’m powerless. And so I cry.
Should I walk away? Give up now?
Are my tears, however justified, acid that is eroding his love and respect for me? The respect for myself?
I want him to be happy, more than anything. I want him to have a life filled with love and happiness. And no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I am enough. Because I can’t stand out. I can’t be any better than anyone else, because I am not.
An average girl, loving in an above average way. Love is not enough.
He told me that I am better than him because I try. All the gestures I make. He knows I love him. And he is happy.
I’m tired of Facebook and its LDRs. I’m tired of the success stories. I’m tired of the weddings. And now, as the months roll on, I’m scared of the failures and the break ups that appear daily.
But I’m scared of walking away. Giving up is not in my DNA, not without hard work. Not without an 100% conviction that I cannot do any more.
And so I cry because I don’t know what else to do.
But then, I think it is only fair to add that this is not the first time I have cried today or even nearly cried.
I nearly cried when my sister asked to borrow money again. Is that all I am good for?
I cried when my ex husband asked to borrow money again. He pays me nothing for the children. I will be, for the fourth year, buying all the Christmas and birthday presents again. And now he needs to borrow money.
I nearly cried when my boyfriend told me that the girl who keeps messaging him, despite him often ignoring said texts, told him that she loves him. He told her she was just a friend to him. He didn’t tell her about me. Yes, I know it is not his culture to have girlfriends. Yes, I know he is a very private person and doesn’t want a relative stranger to know his business. But it still hurt.
I nearly cried when I found out that my mum has visited my sister (in her bubble) and not me. Mum will drop presents off for all at my sister’s house this Christmas but won’t come to me.
I cried when my daughter stopped talking to me and only started again when she thought I was buying McDonald’s. I cried when my autistic son refused to eat his because they put cheese on even though we asked for it not to be on. I cried because apparently it was my fault when all I have done today is try to make him happy.
I cried as I walked home. I cried because I’m tired. I cried because I just want to be loved. I want to feel appreciated. I want my best to be good enough. And you know what? I want someone to do their best for me because I am worth that. I want to be important to someone and I feel important to no-one.
Oh, and I miss my dad.