Endless vultures

Did you read my last post? This is a follow-on.

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Carrying the weight of so much feeling isn’t easy, particularly when you are insecure and anxious. I hate that part of myself.

I try to spin this positively. I am a sensitive, emotionally perceptive, empathetic person with a huge capacity to love. I have a big heart. The problem with a big heart is that you feel so much, therefore you have increased emotions and anxiety.

That is my theory and I am sticking with it.

Unfortunately, and I don’t know why having come from my mother’s family who are readily affectionate and show emotions, I associate showing these emotions too much as weakness. Is it the British stiff upper lip? Being the eldest? Coming from Dad’s side? I have no idea. All I know is that this in turn creates more anxiety because I think I have shown too much.

This is a thought that runs through my head daily. I tell him that I love him every day. Multiple times. (I do this with my kids too. I will get this wave of love and emotion so I tell them. In my view, you can’t tell someone you love them too much.) Does he get sick of it though? I doubt it when I consider his responses but I still wonder. 

This last year with Covid has been so hard for everyone. Putting the tragedy of deaths related to the virus to one side, those of us lucky enough to be ‘just struggling with lockdown rules and feeling the impact on our wellbeing and mental health. Add a LDR onto that and you can see why this is augmenting what it already difficult because of lockdown and because I am an emotive person with anxiety issues. God help him. How does he put up with me?!

If all was right in the world, I would have visited him countless times and my kids would have met him too. I think we would both know by now where this is truly heading. We don’t. We both think we want to make this work but are conscious that more physical time is needed together and there is a lot to talk about. Our life together is on hold whilst we spend every day of our life together virtually. Confusing stuff.

Like any relationship, there are good days and bad days. There are days when our life outside each other weighs in and interferes with mood. There are days when we – ok, I – struggle with missing him so much and the constant waiting and hoping for a time we can be together again. There’s jealousy from time to time and insecurity from both of us.

Occasionally, very occasionally, I wonder how this could work out. Whether I feel too much, and does he feel the same? Will he wait for me?

There is 9 years between us and my life is midway. I have the kids, the divorce, the house, the career. Whilst he is settled and well-placed compared to some in his country, I know he is not where he wants to be (metaphorically speaking). As the weeks roll on – a year now since we were last together- I wonder how long he will wait to decide upon where he wants to be.

And the vultures are still flying round. Exes, new conquests, old conquests. He tells me because he ‘wants to be clear’ with me and hide nothing. He tells me they mean nothing. Just friends. Only  we both know they want more.

And I know some of them can offer more than I can. They’re closer, younger, prettier etc etc. I can’t help but be insecure. I can’t help but panic.

He tells me I have nothing to worry about, he loves me. He won’t delete them because they haven’t done anything wrong (just major hinting, grrr). I love that he wants to stay friends. I love that he doesn’t want to hurt them unnecessary.  I hate that they keep trying.

I hate that we are not further along in our relationship, because of stupid covid, so that our status is out there and celebrated. Being a Muslim, you don’t have a girlfriend. He can’t celebrate me in the wider world because I shouldn’t exist. The fact that his parents and brothers know about me should be enough and means a lot. But I cannot wait until our relationship puts a great big metaphorical bullet through each and every attempt to woo him back.

One ex does know about me although it hasn’t stopped her trying periodically. Others don’t.

I don’t blame them for trying. He is wonderful and amazing and handsome and funny.

I…well, I kind of blame him.

He can’t go against his culture and his sensitive nature. He isn’t encouraging them. But he isn’t putting a stop to it either. He won’t tell one of them outright about me because ‘it is none of her business’ plus he ‘will not push it in her face’. ‘If she asks, I will tell her.’ He ghosts her instead if her messages become too familiar. He worked with her and is friends with a cousin of hers so he doesn’t want to offend either of them. He keeps it friendly and doesn’t initiate any conversation. (I want him to rub her face right in it by professing his undying love for me to her in every which way he can.) But as she doesn’t know I exist, I can hardly blame her, can I?

I want to be important enough that he tells everyone. I want to be important enough that he would choose blocking them rather than hurt me. Unfair and selfish I know.

I don’t want to change him or make him block someone who has innocently fallen for him – the man of my, and clearly their, dreams.

So yes, occasionally I wonder if it is all worth it. Because in those moments I believe that it is only a matter of time until my heart is broken.

Insecurity is a relationship killer.

But just the hint of a thought of losing him makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t walk away when I love him so much.

So, the vultures can keep circling because it isn’t dead yet. Endless circles because it isn’t going to end.

They can keep circling until they fall out of the sky for all I care. My focus is going to be on him and us and battling my insecurities, not on them.

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