Selfish.

I don’t think I am a selfish person usually. Probably more the other way – not being able to say no which leads to more trouble for myself. On this occasion, I think what I am about to write is going to sound really selfish.

Please forgive me for this post.

I’m really struggling. She was not even my family member, but I am struggling.

First, is that it is bringing back all sorts of memories of my Dad dying. As Wildcard tells me things, what happened, I am reminded of the events nearly three years ago. Events I usually successfully repress. This is not a bad thing entirely because I can understand and sympathise with him. But it really hurts.

However…

Seeing and understanding his grief is not easy. I love him so much and I can’t stand to see his pain. I know how bad it is, and worse, know how bad it can become, and I can’t help him. I can’t take it away. I can’t even hug him or kiss him or anything. I know this is a process and he has to go through it, but I want to be at his side and I am not.

So, adding that together, this weekend has been tough. Now for the selfish element.

Naturally, he is not calling or messaging as much. When he has called, it has been for a few minutes – enough to see his pain and distress – and then he is gone. Messages go unread or unanswered. And I completely and utterly understand why, I really do, but in those hours of waiting I am worried sick about him. Hoping he is OK. Wondering what he is going through. Hating the fact I can’t be there to help.

Now for the even more, despicable element.

All of this just plays on my natural anxieties. My over-active, stressed, anxious head does the bad maths. Knowing what a life changing experience this is, I am scared it will take him away from me. He will realise that life is too short to wait for an over-emotional, anxious, chubby 40 year old. And maybe he is learning that, in fact, through the darkest of days, he doesn’t need me. I’m…irrelevant. not needed. Obscure. I have all this love and worry and need to be near him and support him and…he doesn’t want it or need it. And worse, maybe there is someone there better placed to understand.

There, I said it. I’m disgusting, right?

Ultimately, my overwhelming feeling is that I want him to be ok. I need to know he is OK, and he is not. The reduced communication, no matter how understandable, really is playing on my already delicate nerves.

I need to get strength and patience from somewhere. And hope. I would settle for hope.

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3 thoughts on “Selfish.

  1. Don’t say that. Grief is always a horrible mess, as is accompanying somebody through grief. Feelings just are, there’s no need to add to the pressure by judging anybody on their feelings, including yourself. So you know already that you have this fear. That fear isn’t really based on his behaviour towards you, or anything that he’s said, so we can assume that he is not the primarily contributing factor in this fear. Now something terrible has happened, so of course all the fears that you have been keeping at bay are suddenly much more focused and present. That’s not being selfish, it’s being honest with yourself, acknowledging yourself, and lastly, it’s simply being human. Give yourself a break, and even be proud of yourself for being in touch with your feelings and able and brave enough to express them!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was a hard post to write and publish because I was so unhappy with myself for feeling that way. But I suppose, by doing it, admitting it, I felt a better person for acknowledging it?? Does that make sense? I’m looking very hard for silver clouds at the moment. Thanks, as always, for helping me find them. Xx

      Liked by 2 people

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