Tears and fears and talking part two

My daughter tells me that I am not the same anymore. I’ve lost a strength – in her words, my ability to say what I think, argue my point. She said the mum she used to know wouldn’t have put up with either men – my exes mood or Wildcard’s sulking. My son – the one with ADHD – said that I am too nice sometimes.

I’ve lost my fight. I’ve know that for a long time, since my Dad became terminal. I lost my fight on the day the darkness decended and I succumbed to burnout/depression/break down or whatever you want to call it. The last part of my fighting died when my dad did. I’m a different person now.

I’m not fighting my job loss. I’m not fighting with my ex for being unreasonable and I’m not fighting with Wildcard for also being unreasonable. I don’t fight with my sisters when they take me for granted (which really annoys my kids). I don’t fight with my kids when they also take me for granted. I have, in all honesty, become a bit of a door mat.

So, as mentioned in my previous post Part one, this morning when Wildcard called me I was asleep. The call was brief, he was frosty (❄❄❄). He called back an hour later. I was asleep again, because that is what soft, depressed and overly anxious people do. He was getting ready for the wedding and looked delicious. The call was short and he said we would speak later.

Half an hour later he called again. This time I pretended that I had been awake when in reality I had gone back to sleep. He was sat in the car waiting for his family. I could see his nerves, how he is when he is doing something out of the ordinary. I could hear it in his conversation with his parents. He put his mum on the phone and we spoke briefly. I told her I miss her and she asked about my youngest. I told her that he wants to come to visit.

Wildcard then came back on the phone and he said he was going and that he would be busy so it would be later. I asked him to message when he arrived and he agreed. I got my take care ❄❄.

To my surprise, when he arrived he not only messaged but called me as well. A quick call, but appreciated nonetheless. That was five hours ago now but not unexpected.

What was unexpected was the conversation I had with my ex this afternoon.

He has finally thawed out – it has taken him a week to talk civilly to me. Today he was back to normal. We actually talked though – about the situation with Wildcard and how things have progressed. I warned him that I may well go back soon and he said that was expected. I also suggested that all three children have asked to go at some point, which is true, but hinted that I may take my youngest sooner rather than later.

The upshot? He has accepted accepted situation and the apparent seriousness of my relationship. He said he was shocked and hurt at first but is happy for me. He knows that the children may want to go and won’t stop me taking them. He even offered to speak to Wildcard to confirm that he wasnt happy about picking me up from the airport either. He apologised for his mood and said he was over it now.

It was a relief. Whilst his mood would never stop me – which he acknowledged – I feel better knowing that he can now be calmer and that an obstacle between Wildcard and I has effectively been removed. I am free to visit again without hassle and I can take my children unchallenged.

So what now?

It is up to Wildcard. If our disagreement has had one positive outcome it is that in our arguing I told him exactly how I feel and what I want, some of which I couldn’t say to his face. I told him I want to marry him, spend my life with him and have a baby with him. Deep.

Ideally, whilst I have the opportunity, I would like to take my youngest over. He and Wildcard have a great relationship and his mother has a soft spot for him. As he is under 12, there are limited Covid rules for him to worry about but I would need to ensure that I follow all guidelines to keep him safe. Out of all three of my children, he is the one who needs me and missed me most and the one who needs care when I am not here. By taking him, we are moving the relationship forward. Wildcard himself suggested a holiday at a seaside resort for my children and him. It seems like an ideal solution.

I’m hoping we are now in a steady thaw. In the next few days, all being well, he will be back to normal. I’m hoping that when I share with him what my ex has said he will feel better about everything. It is also an indication of how serious our relationship is becoming.

I know there will be those of you reading who will not like the way he has behaved in the last few days. I get that. I can only say that, if I knew an ex had given him a ride home, I probably wouldn’t have liked it either. This is who he is. He is not perfect or flawless. But I accept this about him in as much as he accepts my anxiety and nervous crying. I hope, anyway.

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