5am

I’m ashamed to say that I’m still awake. It’s 5.30am.

I wish I could say I had been out socialising. Or had spent the night having passionate sex, or talking the night away by candlelight. I’d even settle for working a night shift.

No. Nothing so enjoyable, satisfying or productive. I just can’t sleep.

Since my last ‘woe is me’ post, a few things have happened. My ex apologised…then asked for money. I ranted at my daughter for the unfairness of it all and then realised that I’m to blame. I could say no. I could have a clear picture of my finances to be able to say yes or no.

So this morning in a flurry of purpose, spurred on by last night’s attempt until 2am, I got to work.

Yes, it took hours. Yes, it was absolutely depressing. Yes, I’m going to be severely short of money in January. But I did it. I even managed to sort a few things out.

If my plan to work full time from October had happened, I would be ok. It’s now 22nd Nov and it still hasn’t happened.

I sat and wrote a list of 18 ways I can increase my income. I was pumped, positive. Who says I need one source of income? Why can’t I put all my skills and hobbies to work to earn more cash?

By this afternoon, it had all come crashing down. Maybe, I just need a proper teaching job.

There is a Head of English job going in the next city. It pays well. I could do it. I don’t want it.

I’ve looked at exam marking. Considered babysitting, selling anything sellable in my house and writing. Working abroad. Getting a lodger. Getting an evening job washing dishes like my daughter. Ridiculous.

This, this is why I’m sat here, bleary eyed and a little dizzy and wanting but failing to sleep.

I’m tired. But I’m also tired of lying in bed and worrying, missing, stressing, thinking, hating.

I wish I could afford a life or business coach, but I can’t. I wish I could keep away from my savings but I don’t think I can. I wish I could be there for my children and earn enough money to live comfortably. I think it is impossible.

My positive note for today is that I have faced the rather depressing 6 month old elephant in the room. Now I just need to work out how I can earn some money.