This post was written six days ago
Sobering, heart wrenching reality. Wow, it hurts.
The last few days I’ve really tried. I realised how much I had let myself go. I’ve started my face care, pampered myself. Even put makeup on when the furthest I’ve gone from my house is the coal bunker. I’ve tried to install some pride and self esteem in myself.
But the puzzle pieces have slotted together this afternoon. And I realise just how ridiculous I am.
My family have long teased me about how I act around Wildcard. They’ve joked about my constant laughing and smiling, and even how my voice changes. On Christmas Day they laughed as I practically ran to pick up the phone as I hadn’t spoken to him all day. My sister mimicked me by grabbing a Barbie doll, and copied how I flick my hair and laugh like a school girl, taking great delight in showing him.
I laughed with them, although it stung a little.
Today, when my daughter got up, I exclaimed how much she looked like me – I had braided her damp hair last night and today it is hanging in chocolate waves like mine. She laughed and said, “not quite”, before pulling the expressing I apparently make when I’m talking to Wildcard – engaging my natural pout and widening my eyes. She joked again at my voice and laughter. And it stung a little bit more.
Just then, Wildcard called as he was on his way back to work. Determined, I kept my voice neutral and said hello. He was part way through his usual sing song “hello daarrrrling” when he stopped in his tracks.
“You didn’t say it.”
“I didn’t say what?”
“Hello darling, you just said hello”.
Then it dawned on me. “Oh..so when you say ‘Hello darling’, it’s not you being affectionate, you’re laughing at me.”
He laughed at that and continued with his impression of me. I told him what my daughter had said and he laughed again, “so she has noticed too?”
My eyes filled up. I thought he was doing something nice. He was laughing at me all along.
He was about to show me something else I apparently do when I kiss him, when he was interrupted by a work colleague. We made a hasty goodbye.
It doesn’t matter that he messaged immediately to say he was just laughing with me, and that he loves me. The damage is done.
And so, the puzzle pieces slot together and form a picture of a clown, an idiot, a fool. Something everyone laughs at.
So, after two years, why do I do that? I pondered as tears streamed down my face. I don’t realise I am doing it, but clearly everyone else does.
Because I’m trying to be something I’m not. I’m trying to be the beautiful, sweet young thing..when actually, I’m an average, overweight 41 year old.
I feel like such a fool. Who am I trying to kid?
The reason he doesn’t show me the affection I want is because he doesn’t feel it.
The reason he doesn’t give me compliments is because he doesn’t see anything worth complimenting.
The reason he hasn’t proposed or bought me a love token is because he isn’t sure he wants me. I’m not worth celebrating or treasuring or championing.
I’m just entertainment. A nice girl. A fool.