Sensible

How are we in the middle of January already?!

As suspected, it wasn’t long before things with Wildcard went back to normal. Sensible me knew this would happen. Unfortunately, sensible me doesn’t always prevail.

I had a HUGE row with my ex this week. I say row but it was more me shouting at him. And that was purposeful. You see, he timed his conversation purposely to ensure both sons were home and listening on loud speaker. He then manipulates the conversation so I explode, and then hammers the message home to my children – quite overtly and calmly – that I am the issue.

In truth, he is selfish and manipulative and deceptive. My daughter – daddy’s girl by the way – is aware of this. My boys are not.

I’ve read somewhere that disappointment comes from expectation. I expect my ex to treat me with respect. I expect him to play fair. I expect him to be considerate. In reality, he doesn’t. Hence the divorce I guess. What I won’t do, is play his game. I could tell my children so many things about him, but I don’t. He can make his own mistakes.

Sensible me knew what he was doing. And as Wildcard said, I should have calmly played along. Then, when the boys weren’t there, I could have said my piece without them hearing. I wasn’t sensible. I was outraged.

Sensible me also knows that I am not earning enough money and that next month I am going to struggle. I’m still lost in indecision. More tutoring? This will take time away from my children and Wildcard – what’s the point in me leaving a high powered career to only overwork myself again? Supply or a permanent teaching post? See above. I don’t want it. I DON’T WANT IT.

I still want my own business. I still want to be creative and helpful and flexible. The small business I launched just before Christmas didn’t do as well as I’d hoped. I’ve done little with it since.

And so, all this ties together to mean one big … huge…decision.

I’m considering selling part of my property to my sister.

She is desperate to have our childhood home. Or at least a part of it – buy land and build on it. At present, she couldn’t afford all of it, but some of it. Financially, I need help. Paying off some of the mortgage or debt would help. I fell out of love with my home years ago. There has been years of conflict over my buying the house from my parents. My step brother and sister hate me for it and subconsciously, I can’t get past that. Finally, my sisters are worried that if I marry again, I may lose part of the house – their childhood home – in another divorce. Including if I was to marry Wildcard, and particularly because of their wariness of his Nationality and intentions.

Oh and my ex is still on the deeds.

He offered to be taken off some time ago but we haven’t got round to it. I don’t know if I will be able to remortgage now I am earning half of what I once earned. It’s a mess.

I’ve looked at a few solicitors and am considering making an appointment to get some advice. If my sister bought half of the property, I could pay off my mortgage, my debt, make a few improvements and maybe even give my ex a little. Even though he doesn’t deserve it.

It would mean that the pressure to work ridiculous hours goes. It seems a sensible option but of course there are negatives too.

I’ve realised that I have no one to discuss this with. My mum is too close to the situation, as is my other sister. My ex? Absolutely not.

I wish I could discuss this with Wildcard but I can’t for so many reasons. The language barrier. The implications about him. I don’t want him to know that I could be struggling financially in the near future. I don’t want to force a conversation about our future although it is what I really want to do. I wish we could plan together. But he isn’t ready. Maybe I need to be a bit more sensible of the implications of all of that.

In the short term, I need to apply for some more tutoring posts and try to boost my hours as much as I can. My sister owes me money and I will have to ask for it back.

It’s hard work, being sensible.

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