For you

This is for you. You know who you are. You’re scrolling mindlessly, just tying to numb yourself. Secretly, you’re hoping you will find something…an answer, a tip, a hack…help. This is for you. You’re not alone.

Well, I got there. I hit the bottom.

My eyes are swollen and I’m exhausted. I cried, inconsolable, last night. A series of probably minor things threw me to the bottom of that dark pit.

In that moment,  you lose all sense of self. All you can see is the darkness and the pain and the misery. You feel like you’ve lost everything, and the weird thing is I’m not sure what comes first – the feeling of losing all, leading to despair… or despair leading to feeling like you’ve lost everything. Maybe they are one and the same.

Depression, crisis, is full of contrasts. You want to be alone but fear it. You want to tackle one of the million things to do but can’t start. You want to feel loved but feel like no one really loves you- and how can they, when you’re like this?

I got my letter from work accepting my resignation. I should be happy. I’m relieved, but not happy. I’m scared.

Wildcard still seems just that step away. He’s not saying I love you like he did. I mentioned it. He told me he wasn’t in the mood for another fight….Later, he called as usual but the call ended earlier than normal. This happens sometimes, I know. But last night I needed him to stay with me. I was too scared to show that. I’m trying, and probably failing, not to chase him away.

Whilst this was happening, I saw on Facebook that my ‘best’ friend, the one who has slowly but surely disappeared out my life, has gone away for the weekend with my replacement and their other halves. They’ve gone to a place where I used to be invited. Not anymore.

My sister messaged to apologise for not turning up as promised – for the second time this week.

I’ve not heard from my other friend for three days. I don’t want to bother her again with my issues but I wish she had messaged.

So, I sat in my darkness. No job, no friend, no love, no acceptance. My house a constant reminder of my failure. I had failed my son. Hating every part of myself and so blinded that I couldn’t see any worth in my life.

I contemplated it. I measured my worth in life to my worth in death. And, I realised that without a will, my death was pretty worthless too. Yep, you read right.

That little voice was my saviour. It gave me a reason. Death was not an option. The little voice told me to call someone, a helpline. I did.

I wasn’t going to commit suicide but I was scared enough that I had thought about it. Weighed it up. I acknowledged that I had hit that bottom but I didn’t want to go any further. I didn’t want to be buried.

This is for you.

I’m sharing my darkest moments for you. You’re not alone in feeling this. And though it may feel like you’re blinded, overwhelmed, alone…you’re not. Somewhere, out there, someone will listen. They will hear you. They understand. And as they listen, little rays of sunlight start to pierce the darkness, so small you can barely see them but you can feel them. You’re still in your pit, right at the bottom. It’s cold and dark and oppressive. But those tiny rays of light are there, trying to burst through…if you will let them. Showing you the way out.

After my hour long talk with the Samaritans, I was calm. I’d sobbed, unable to speak for the first 5 minutes. Then I’d spoken about my career, my son, and my fear I was losing my relationship.

The samaritan reminded me of what my daughter had said…I’m not worthless or useless. I was fighting. I had walked away from a school that was dragging me under. That takes strength. I had supported my son repeatedly this week, calling CAMHS, speaking to school and attending appointments with him. She asked me what I would say to myself, if I was my own best friend, in regards to my relationship.

“I’d tell myself that you’re doing the best you can. That you love him and want him to be happy. And that if your unhappiness is making him unhappy, then you can’t blame him for walking away. You love him so much that you want him to be happy. But that’s his choice. You can’t make him stay and you shouldn’t push him away either. Concentrate on getting yourself better. Let him make his own decisions.”

I spent the remainder of my evening scrolling. Looking for answers, help, anything. I came across two things. The first was a Facebook Group of a company that deals in personal coaching. They had a number of podcasts which I watched, mainly around negative energy and biased thinking. The idea that, we live in our own world – our own hologram. We see life through this hologram of our own making, fuelled by our past and our thoughts and our biases.

The second was from Mind Valley. I watched a video and took part in a deep meditation. I then started to watch an interview with Sadhguru about Karma. And again, the same idea came forward – our past life, experiences and thoughts are the lens which we see the world. Like a pair of beer googles or coloured sunglasses, they tint the world in front of us.

I changed the lens…just for a moment. I saw myself, reaching out for help. I saw the self help books in front of me. I saw my return to journal writing, my walks in the garden. I saw my actions to resolve situations that were hurting me. Actions no one else had done – I had done that myself. I saw that Wildcard had called me, as much as always. I saw that he had been upset when I hadn’t kissed him. I saw that, when faced with my sadness, he didn’t know what to do. My black lens was telling me he was walking away. I don’t know if that it true because it is my lens. But what I do know, is that my lens is potentially tinting his.

So my new lens is my brave face. Yes, my life is pretty crap at the moment. Yes, I’m feeling depressed and anxious again. But I am fighting. No one is going to save me. They have their own world and their own lens to deal with. No one can make those actions, I have to do it myself. But they can help. They can walk alongside you. They can help change your lens.

Don’t give up. Ask for help, and it will be there. Change your lens, even just for five minutes each day. Build it up. Look at what you have achieved every day. Getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Calling someone. Reading something. Fighting. Every single action is you fighting. Every action is you NOT giving up.

Keep fighting. Because the only true failure in life, is giving up. And giving up is very, very different to walking away and demanding better for ourselves.

Reach out. You’re not alone in your darkness.