Last night we argued. It removed a fear that has plagued me for 3 years. It was uncomfortable for a little while but we soon were back to normal.
What we didn’t talk about, and I wish I had, was a conversation about the future which he brought up. He was talking about his career prospects and asking my opinion, telling me I was the only one he could talk to.
That I loved, and I was objective as I could be. I told him that thinking about doing something was often worse than the doing. He’d told me that he hated making decisions and hated change. Don’t I know it.
What I didn’t love was that I was not one of the options we discussed. Granted, we were talking career, but some of the options mentioned would not encourage him to come to me any sooner. It was like a hot knife of pain in my chest. What does Tolle say? Don’t focus on the future. Really hard not to when you desired future seems to have dismissed you some what.
Short conclusion to that: I couldn’t look him in the face and brought up something else as an excuse for my behaviour which then caused the disagreement. Great stuff.
This morning, despite all being well by bed time (he locked me to him on the sofa and wouldn’t let me go until late), he didn’t come to me. Which was really unfortunate, as I’d had a bad dream, woke up knowing it was the last day and we’d had that dusagreement…I needed those morning embraces more than anything. I didn’t get them. He had to rush to work.
This afternoon there have been plenty of hugs. My mind is on overdrive, though. I’m trying to Tolle it out but it’s not working so well.
****
It’s now midnight.
It’s been a weird day of high emotion. I suppose that isn’t surprising. We cuddled for most of the day. I was bored and frustrated a little but it was more about being uncomfortable about leaving than anything else. Again, digging deep to the real feelings is helping.
After dinner, I lay on the bed. I was putting off packing my case and even now it’s barely done. He’d been washing something but came in and shut the door.
We lay on the bed, hugging and then had sweet sweet kisses – real kisses. The kisses he won’t give me often because they always lead to something. Which they did. It was beautiful, connected love making which was so special. It was tender and loving and a moment I will never forget.
We showered and then relaxed some more. It was a weird evening in some ways as I was so on edge. I got jealous over something he showed me which is nothing new. He annoyed me when he wouldn’t answer a question which he had asked me earlier and I had answered, but at least it made me leave him to half pack.
When I came back, I put my back to him it what can only be called a childish move. He tapped my shoulder to show me something on his phone and told me if I followed the instructions, I would see someone who loved me. It was one of those trick of the eye things and yes, weirdly, it did look like him. He was quickly forgiven after that romantic gesture.
We drank tea and then a programme came on which we all began to watch. Luckily for me there were French subtitles and my A level French came in useful a little as I was able to understand quite a bit. It was funny and his mother watched it with us. Wildcard told me what was going on too which helped.
What I loved was the way he sat with me. Normally, he lies on the sofa, head at the corner, and I sit feet end. His feet are often in my lap and I love it as it feels intimate without breaking cultural protocol. But this time he moved so he was sat right next to me, leaning on the same cushion. Respect means we couldn’t be too close but I’d argue that we broke that a little. It was, again, a romantic gesture and another moment I won’t forget.
As soon as it finished and his mum left, he tickled me senseless. Then after tidying up, time for bed.
As always, he came in to check on me and ask if I needed anything and to say goodnight. His kisses and hugs were lovely. And when he walked away, quickly came back when he sensed my tears.
And here I am. In the queue, waiting for the plane. Trip 7 is practically over: just a flight and a few train journeys then I’m home.