Birthday breakfast

I’m 41! Yay! Please feel all the sarcasm in that because believe me it is there.

I am in a good mood though. Last night’s bath, face mask and moisturise has made me feel fabulous this morning.

Of course, my morning hasn’t gone to plan but I am OK with that.

My ex said that he would come early for our youngest to allow me a sleep in. Although we have been divorced a year now and I have been with Wildcard for 17 months, I still get nervous when there is a chance Wildcard could call whilst my ex is in the house. But, as my ex was coming early to leave by 8.30, and Wildcard normally calls at 9.15, there was no issue.

Except Wildcard called at 8.10am. He had taken my ‘I want you’ as physically, which is not inaccurate, and had called for some sexy talk. We haven’t had any of this type of intimacy since Valentine’s Day, I think because of his Grandmother’s death. So I was happy with this. Until I heard my ex come up the stairs and go in to my son’s room which is next to mine.

Our conversation had just started so I buried my head under the duvet and whispered which works in this context. I couldn’t relax of course, fearful that someone would walk in at any point. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy hearing all the ways he wanted to love me physically, how he missed me and wanted to kiss and hug me. And that he was mine. So whilst I was unable to be physical in any way, mentally and in my heart I was happy.

Very shortly after the end of that call, my daughter shouted me. Today she has a trial shift as a kitchen porter in a Michelin started restaurant and hotel. She was nervous, unprepared and needed me. I got a belated happy birthday once she was sorted.

I got dressed and drove her to the beautiful Hall. She was in tears with nerves and I felt for her. A simple job but the first she had gone for. I’ve not stopped thinking about her since and she has only been there an hour.

Ironically, I came home and cleaned my own kitchen. Ironic because she had messed it up making my birthday cake and was too tired to clean up before bed. So, housework has been part of my birthday whether I wanted it to or not. So is life.

I have just had a delicious coffee and my Warburton’s Gluten Free sourdough loaf toasted, with egg and avocado. This is a treat as, at £3.40 a loaf, I refuse to buy it regularly. It is delicious though. I can’t remember the taste of real bread any more, but this is as close as I can remember.

What now?

Well, my house still needs a tidy and I need to make a fire as it is cold. I want to watch something but can’t relax as I keep thinking about my daughter.

I miss my mum and dad. Mum text this morning but hasn’t called. I’m half glad because I think I would cry.

And, whilst the phone intimacy was desired and appreciated, I want more from Wildcard. I need more. Not a gift or present. Him. I want him. I want to feel like I am his, and he is mine and that finally, I can have some security. I’m waiting for it. Not a proposal – now is not the time – but something. A declaration. I don’t know. We will see.

Advertisement

Unfortunately, my mood this morning was not much better than yesterday. I was low with no clear indication of why.

I applied my make up in an attempt to cheer myself up. It wasn’t long before Wildcard called me, which put a smile on my face.

Apparently, not big enough though. He knew – as he always does – that something was off. And, as always, he wouldn’t let it go until I told him.

Problem was, I was not sure I knew myself until it just came out. I said how Christmas was a difficult time for me. He asked why. I said because I felt lonely.

Was that true, I asked myself? I had said it without thinking. I don’t look forward to Christmas like I used to, even as an adult I was excited about the experience for my children and as a married woman.

Wildcard asked how I could be lonely: I would be with my sisters and my children. This is true. And my children and sisters are everything to me.

But. But at that moment, I could only think about my Dad. And my mum. And Wildcard. How I couldn’t have what I wanted. I’m not a greedy person. I don’t care about gifts. I just love Christmases with my whole family around me, like I when I was a child. I can’t have my Dad. Or my mum. Or my boyfriend.

Yes, I sound like a spoilt child. And his words made me realise that which is one of the things I really love about him. He challenges me to see things from a different angle. I was feeling sorry for myself and it needed to stop. I needed to find my Christmas spirit again.

‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens is a wonderful novel all about just that. At the end, Ebenezer Scrooge says he will live with the spirit of Christmas the whole year through – the past, present and future.

I had wonderful Christmases as a child and that was because of my parents and my sisters. I need to remember that.

At present, I am lucky enough to be in a position to see my sisters, spend part of Christmas with my children through my amicable relationship with my ex and then have some time with myself/Wildcard.

The future is unknown of course but that doesn’t mean I can’t fight for the future I want.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!

Boyfriend advice.

I don’t care what job you have. As long as you have one and take pride in what you do.

I don’t care how much money you earn. Just be careful with how much you spend.

I don’t care about your qualifications. Pieces of paper do not truly show a person’s intelligence or wit. It’s shown in their ability to listen and communicate and their willingness to keep learning. It’s shown in their tolerance and respect of diversity.

I don’t care what car you have. They all have four wheels and an engine. Keep it clean and safe and take me places and I will be happy. Oh. And make sure you can afford it.

I don’t care if you find other women attractive. Other women are attractive and most are more attractive than me. I know that, so you don’t need to tell me that they are – I just need to feel like you want me, regardless of that and that you will always be faithful and loyal.

I don’t need you to tell me I’m beautiful every day. Tell me when you notice things – remember to mention, now and again, when you like my smile, or my hair or how I’ve dressed. Those little moments add up to a lot. If I’ve put effort in to look nice, you need to put effort in to tell me you’ve noticed.

I don’t need you to like my family and friends. Just respect that I do, and be polite and courteous to them. If I want us to spend time with them sometimes, do it to make me happy. Because it will.

I don’t care if you don’t wear designer clothes. Just be clean and dress up when the occasion requires it. I will always tell you when you look good.

I don’t need expensive gifts to feel loved. I can buy things myself. A small thing that shows a lot of thought is much, much more important to me. The thought really does count.

I don’t care if you don’t go to the gym regularly. If you enjoy going, go. If you need to work out to be healthy, great. I don’t care about ripped muscles, six packs etc. Just look after yourself and encourage me to do the same.

I don’t care about going to fancy restaurants, hotels etc etc. Those places mean much more when they are for special occasions. Just be with me, focus on me – look at me when we talk, not your phone or the TV. Hold my hand when we go for walks. Give me a kiss when you walk past me. Ask me how my day has been and care about the answer. Cook with me, clean with me. Watch films that we both like – ask me to watch something with you. Suggest places we can travel together – I just want to experience life with you, from the boring to the spectacular.

I don’t need you to spend every moment with me. I like that you have a life and interests outside of me. Just make sure you keep me involved by telling me all about them – I want to share your happiness. And let me know you miss me when I’m not around.

I don’t need to orgasm every time we have sex. I can feel pleasure without an orgasm. I do need foreplay though. Every time. Focus on that instead. Make me feel like you want sex because of me. That you want me. If you do that, I will probably orgasm most times anyway.

Tell me, show me, that you love me, every single day. Forgive me when I’ve done wrong and I’m sorry – you don’t need to punish me as I will do that myself. Every day, make me feel like I’m yours, that I belong with you, and I will be faithful and loyal and loving for the rest of our lives together.