Blue

As some of you have perhaps worked out, I’m not feeling too great at the moment.

My ‘pretend everything is ok’ generator has kicked in so I am still functioning each day. That’s a good thing I suppose.

But underneath that fake brightness is a swirling maelstrom of negativity, doubt, avoidance and confusion.

AVOIDANCE

I haven’t logged in to my work emails in two and a half weeks. Sure, there is no requirement to do so. The first week I consciously decided not to, to give myself a break. But as the days have slipped on, I’ve found I just don’t want to know. It’s just another thing to worry about – the academisation, my career….???!!!!.

I started the six weeks holiday with a plan to transform my house. Yeah, that lasted a week.

After a few months of lockdown frugality, my spending has increased somewhat. I need to get back in control before I start overspending. But I am avoiding doing it because …I just am. The situation is not helped by the following….

NEGATIVITY

My ex husband is well and truly pi#$ing me off. He has had some financial difficulties this past year, in part through bad luck and in part through his own actions. He has not given me any money towards the children in over a year. I pay for everything. I have also lent him money that I am not going to get back. His situation recently has become critical and he and his mother and now talking about how ‘he walked away from the marriage with nothing.’ First, this house was my childhood home. We bought it at a reduced cost from my parents. I have paid every mortgage payment since then. Second, he has contributed little to the household for the majority of out marriage – one of the many reason I divorced him. Third, I took on all our relationship debt when he left. He walked out of here with a clean slate. I reduced his child payments to help him afford a house. I helped him financially to get a house. I’ve paid for every birthday and Christmas present for our three children for years, whilst he has sat and enjoyed the gratitude from them as they did not know he had not contributed. Even if I had been able to give him a more substantial lump sum three years ago, that money would have long gone by now. He would still be in this mess because he is an idiot and I am not carrying him anymore.

DOUBT

Does Wildcard really love me? Is this as special as I think it is, or am I projecting my romantic sensibilities on an impossible situation? Do I want him so much because I can’t have him? Do I want him so much because of how attractive he is? Maybe he is just after a European wife. Maybe he thinks I’m stupid and naive and that I’ve fallen for his lies.

I’ve joined a Facebook group of other women waiting for borders to open. There is no denying, there is a pattern. Many of the women are older than their boyfriend. They’ve talked about the jealousy of their boyfriend’s friends because he has a European girlfriend…that has made me nervous.

But he calls me every day, multiple times. A ridiculous amount of times if you listen to my daughter, who believes it is actually more like one day-long video chat with a few breaks in. His actions very, very much suggest he loves me. He cares for me. He knows me. He inspires me. He makes me laugh. He shows pride in me. He shows jealous and anxiety when he thinks I am unhappy with him. He shows me he loves and misses me in all these ways every day. What more do I want?

CONFUSION

So, if he really does love me… what’s going to happen? There is no sign that the borders are going to open anytime soon. When will I see him? Will he wait? Should I be holding out at my age? Should I be looking closer to home? Would that make me happier? Could I cope with losing him? Would he pursue me or just move on quickly to one in a long line of women who want him?

So, yeah. I’m feeling blue.

What do you think?

Wild Card called me Saturday lunch time as he had been required to work extra to cover a sick employee. He was out in the van and we chatted whilst he made his way to his destination. He pulled faces to make me laugh – not safe I reminded him–and winked and smiled at me.

I told him about my daughter knowing everything. He asked what she had said and I told him: she wants to meet you and your family. I think he was a little surprised by this but I reminded him that he had suggested it too. He kept coming back to it, jokingly, and I figure it made him a little nervous. I again reminded him that he had said I needed to tell my family.

After that, there was another call and then pretty much silence until late at night.

By that point I was climbing the walls.

He knew I was going out to see a family friend and I’d told him when I’d be home. I actually got home later than planned but called him anyway. No answer.

An hour and a half passed. Still nothing. So I text him. Nothing.

Just at the point where I thought I might actually implode, he called. He’d been asleep after the extra work. I calmed, eventually, and decided that I hadn’t scared him off. It was just coincidence and my overactive imagination. We had a long chat as usual and everything seemed fine.

Sunday was similar. We had some early morning texts then he called me about an hour later and made me laugh again. His next call was a few hours later and at this point my sisters and Aunty were here.

Usually he won’t stay on the phone if I have visitors because he feels that my attention should be on them. This time though, he interacted with them and they all joked at my expense. I loved it – he was with us even though he was far away.

When my family left we were still on the phone: he shared with me some pictures of his family and of himself as a child. By the time the call ended, we had been on the phone for two hours.

I spent the day marking. But something was playing on mind. He still hadn’t confirmed my visit.

Last week when we discussed it, there were a few things he needed to sort first. There was something with work and his sister in law visiting. He told me not to book and that he would know more by Friday. Friday came and he told me his sister in law’s travel plans but did not mention my visit.

All weekend I’ve wondered what to do. Do I ask him again? Wait for him? Did he assume that I have already booked? My sisters told me to just ask so I did – I sent a message.

About an hour later I got a brief reply saying ‘ok’ and telling me that he was out. Another hour after that he called – he was sat in his car outside the train station waiting for his brother. He brought up my text.

The first thing he asked was whether I was worried about Cornavirus. I explained that as it is here and in his country, I could catch it anywhere. He told me he was worried about my safety and what if I was quarantined? I reassured him that I would have travel insurance.

He told me that there was no problem then and I could come when I liked over the Easter holiday. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said yes and seemed to pull his sincere face, the one he pulls when I am insecure and he is trying to reassure me.

But then, in the next breath, he told me to not book until next week, once his sister in law had visited and his brother had left. I was so confused at this point. Why tell me I can come when I want, that he wants me there, but then ask me to hang fire on booking? I told him again that I did not have to come but he said again that I can but just wait to book.

His brother arrived at the car not long after that so he said he would call when he got home.

I was, am, so confused. I thought about what my sister had said earlier:

What she said was true (and the reason I have given you all the details of our communication), every day, cumulatively, we are on the phone for hours. He would not do that if he didn’t want to be with me. So what was the problem?

He called as promised when he got home. Before long he was sat at the table, eating, and I could hear his parents having a quite heated/enthusiastic conversation. I heard the word Corona mentioned a number of times. He joined in at one point. After a few minutes of me observing but not understanding this conversation, he said he would call me back shortly as he ws talking with his family.

He did, and we talked and almost fell asleep together again. I love that. Neither one of us wants to get off the phone but we both start to drift off. It feels like we are lying together.

There could be lots of reasons why he doesn’t want me to book but of course my head jumps to him not wanting me to go. His family are worried about Cornavirus – I know that from when I was there in February and from conversations I’ve had with Wild Card over the past weeks. Maybe him and his family are worried about me visiting with the outbreak – there are many more with the virus in my country than his. If I was to catch it there I would have to stay there. Perhaps they are worried for me.

Maybe he hasn’t asked his parents yet. Their middle child is about to leave home… Maybe it’s not the right time.

Perhaps it is financial. I know he spent a lot of money when I was there and he would not accept any from me. Maybe it’s just not convenient and he doesn’t want to upset me. I just don’t know.

All I know is that I am really confused. I’m the sort of person that likes plans straight and clear. I want to know what’s happening. I need to plan and book and be sure everything is ready. So maybe its my own need to control that’s the issue.

Or maybe he just doesn’t want me to go.

What do you think?

What women think

Anyone else relate to this??

“So, we shared a kiss on Saturday. Actually, he kissed me. And he kept saying how ‘hot’ I looked. And he danced with me. And he wanted to be intimate with me. He must like me.

But I held back. I wasn’t intimate with him, other than cuddles. I told him that I wanted to be intimate but not in the state he was in (very drunk). I didn’t ask him to stay.

We spent Sunday texting. And then… Nothing. Do I message him now? Is that too forward? Will I come across as pushy or desperate? Will I scare him off?

But if I don’t text he won’t know that I am interested. He might think I don’t want him because I said no. He left his ‘belonging’ here. Did he do that on purpose as a way back in? Is he avoiding me which is why he hasn’t arranged to get it back?

I’ll leave it a few days and see if he texts me.

It’s been three days. No texts. It wouldn’t hurt to text now, would it? Then he’d know I was thinking about him. I’ll mention his ‘belonging’.

Should I have sent that? Does it just sound like I want his belonging out of my house? Like I’m trying to erase him out?

He’s text back. It’s a quick text thanking me and that he’ll collect it tomorrow.

Is that good? Does that mean he wants to see me? I wonder if he will come in. But he hasn’t engaged in a chat so maybe he really just wants his belonging. So why didn’t he get in contact first?

Maybe I’m overthinking this. (You think?!) I just want rid of it now.

I’m going out now. Maybe I should just offer to drop it off? That way I won’t be obsessing about his visit. I’ll text and ask. It’s only the second text so I haven’t gone too far. And I’ll be saving him a journey, anyway. Hopefully he will see how thoughtful I am. Unless he did want to see me but now it’s like I don’t want him to visit. Too late I’ve sent it.

He’s not replied.

He’s still not replied and I need to go out now. I won’t drop it off because I’ll look like a stalker. I will look like an idiot if he texts yes while I’m out but never mind.

Well I’m back and after all that phone checking he hasn’t replied. Good job I didn’t just drop it off.

Maybe he’s sick of me and is just ignoring me. Maybe he did actually want to spend time with me and wanted to come to my house so ignored the text!

I’m going mental. This is why choosing singledom is easier. “

Glum musings

I feel so meh today. It’s my first day back in work and I’ve not had a bad day as such but I’m missing my freedom. Just like the rest of the working population I suppose. 😩. Are there people out there who genuinely enjoy their job and look forward to going in?

Silly question as I once enjoyed going into work. Not anymore. I’m not sure what the root of this is as such – changes in education, dissatisfaction in my role, bereavement, complacency – probably all of them.

I’m tired too which is never a good start to the working week. All self inflicted but I enjoyed myself.

No contact from Lost Soul today but I wasn’t expecting it. Hoping for it, slightly, but not surprised when I didn’t. I’ve been here before, remember? So many times.

I think that was part of the problem on Saturday night. I’ve been there before. I didn’t believe it. I can’t allow myself to believe and have hope. I have to see through it all and see it as an emotional whim. If it’s not, surely we’d be together?

And that’s it. If two people are attracted to one another, enjoy each other’s company, understand and support each other, inspire each other… And are free to be together, well then why wouldn’t they be?

Or is it that I just want to be proved right? That I want to validate my opinions on love after the disappointment of an unhappy marriage?

What’s worse is that I know he likes me too. Would it be different if I let myself go? Allowed myself to show him how I feel? When I’m with him, I’m emphasising the friend-me and hiding the in-love me. I don’t know how to be the ‘in between’ with him.

I don’t know how to finish this post. I’m going round in circles.

Turmoil

This blog post has been really hard to write. I don’t know where to start or how to explain the confusion and feelings I have had today.

About half an hour ago my son asked me if I was OK. He said I was ‘acting weird’ and my daughter agreed as she walked past. I asked them to explain and they said that since they’d got home from their Dad’s, I’d been more loving and calm than usual, and happier. I was astounded. Apart from being exhausted and pleased to see them as usual, I didn’t know what to attribute it to. Except, perhaps, for the effects of my time with Lost Soul last night. There’s a warmth radiating from my solar plexus that can only have come from my time with him.

After only four hours sleep I awoke at my usual time this morning. As could only be expected, the events of the previous night with Lost Soul were immediately in my mind. No doubt aggravated by lack of sleep and a looming hangover, the array of thoughts and feelings which flooded my sleep-deprived mind was overwhelming.

Disbelief came on pretty quickly. How had it happened again? How was I back in that situation after all my promises to stay away?

I quickly acknowledged that this one is obvious. Anyone who has read my blog will know how I feel about Lost Soul, even after all these years. No matter what has happened or how much I tell myself that there is no future between us, I can’t turn off how I feel about him.

However I did not expect him to act the way he did last night. My post, Strong, shows that: I acknowledge that so much of this comes from my own head.

If I believe what he said, he wanted to be with me almost as soon as he arrived. He certainly made comments through out the night to suggest he was attracted to me. But then there was the unprovoked conversation where he told me that he was purposefully staying away because he didn’t want to harm our friendship. Shortly after that, he upped his attentions to me and started making open propositions for us to spend the night together. Confused? Me too.

I didn’t know how to react to him. I want to be with this man and have done for a long time. But I’m so confused about his feelings for me and my feelings for him that I can’t trust our decision making. I don’t know what is going on.. So how can I make a good decision?

He’s never pursued me as persistently as he did last night – in words anyway. He said that he wouldn’t make a move on me without me giving him the go ahead. I just couldn’t and he didn’t.

Why not? I want him. He wanted me. We are both single, consenting adults. We are both attracted to one another. We get on well and understand each other. Why wouldn’t I let myself be intimate with him?

I suppose I wanted the sensual intimacy first. The slow build up. The kissing and caressing. Why didn’t he kiss me until the end? Was he waiting for me to make the move? Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I? Only when I went to kiss his cheek right as his taxi arrived did he kiss me tenderly, sensually on the lips.

Does he want to try a ‘relationship’ of some kind or was this just a one night stand? Does he want to be FWBs? Was this a symptom of his loneliness and recent relationship break-up or was this an opportunity to start something between us?

Am I just out of practice? Is this how relationships start nowadays – straight into sexual intimacy? Open, honest acknowledgement of sexual desire which may or may not lead into something else? Perhaps he knows no other way to start this, if that’s what he is actually doing. We already know we get on and enjoy spending time with each other.

Have I stopped this from proceeding again? Why did I do that? What would have happened if I had gone ahead?

What do I actually want?

Although I know I am attracted to him, I am never fully prepared for the surge of desire I feel when I see him. I want him. I want to touch his body and run my fingers through his hair. I want to kiss him. Everywhere.

If it was just sexual desire then why would I not take advantage of his own desirous advances? I know he is attracted to me.

I’m self conscious and I’m not sure why exactly. I have not had many sexual partners but I am not inexperienced either. I’ve had one night stands but always with someone I knew or had met a few times first. In the past I have been confident in my sexuality and desire. I’m no prude nor a wallflower.

I have standards though. I don’t want to feel used. I’m OK with sex as sex when it is clear that there is desire for me and care, even if this is a no-strings situation. At the same time though, that was me in my early 20s. I’m now in my late 30s. I’ve had three children and have the body to show it.

I’ve not been intimate with anyone for a long time. My marriage was sex-less in the last few years and I have not had a relationship since we separated. That’s nearly five years worth of celibacy. Wow, I didn’t realise it was that long.

This doesn’t explain what I want though.

Would I have a one night stand with him if that’s what was offered?

I don’t know. I’m intrigued about our compatability and the ‘spark’ between us. I’ve not let myself go around him so this would be a chance to. I’m scared either one of us would be disappointed.

Do I want a relationship with him?

I want to be with him, is that the same thing? I feel alive when I’m near him, like something has awoken inside me. I know how well we get along together I have wondered for a long time how that would feel in a relationship. Would we continue to be better people because we are together – inspiring each other to greatness.

Or is this all a case of wanting what I can’t have – the fantasy being better than the reality. We’ve been in this slow game for seven years, with moments when we have both been in relationships, both been single or only one of us single. I just want to know.

Do I want a FWB arrangement then?

I wish I had the confidence for that. It would be ideal in some ways as the no strings would mean that we both knew where we stood but we could each other’s company and intimacy.

But I love him so that won’t work. He makes me laugh, think. He makes me feel alive. We could be so amazing together. We’d be best friends and lovers and enjoy this world to the full.

Or it could all be in my head. Or we’re both so scared so we will never find out.

We have text each other throughout the day which has been great. Maybe he has made me happier today.

God help me.

Lonely heart.

I didn’t expect to see you there. I mean, to be honest, I don’t think about you half as much as I used to do. And anyway, I’d had a bad day and so I had other things on my mind.

I’m self-conscious enough though to be pleased that I still had my makeup on and my nice jeans and jumper from when I’d been shopping earlier that morning. Less so that it was now accompanied by heavy walking boots, a rainproof coat and dog hair (and the dog of course).

Why’d I had a bad day? Long story, but along the lines that I felt lonely. Lonely is quite a regular feeling nowadays. My friend let me down. I miss my Dad like crazy. It’s Christmas. I’m lonely.

So, I attempted to walk off my sadness with my dog in hand, boots on foot. I didn’t know you’d be there.

Was I pleased to see you? Of course. There’s still that little thrill when we meet. A hint of a memory of what was and what could have been. But I’ve moved on now – you’ve moved on. We made that decision, didn’t we? That it wasn’t going to work? Yes, I know we were drunk. OK, yes, I did most of the talking. But I couldn’t cope with it anymore, see, the not-knowing. The backwards and forwards. So, for self preservation purposes, I called it a day on whatever it was. OK, yes, I will also admit that I have wondered what would have happened if I’d have just let you speak, but I got over that. It’s been over a year since then. I got over you, as much as anyone who thought they found and lost their soul mate can. Wrong time, wrong place and all that.

So I was pleased to see you because your addition to the tea and company I expected from my sister was welcome. You make me laugh, think, talk. That’s a good thing when you’re feeling lonely.

But… I do have to say though, that I was a little confused by some of what you said. The fact that one of the first things you asked me was “So what’s new? Have you met anyone new? Been anywhere new?” Of all the things that you could have asked me, that was pretty straight to the point. I didn’t answer that part. I wouldn’t have asked you, or anyone else that, so it surprised me that you would ask me that.

And then, later, when we were all talking, you said how you’d missed all this. I’m assuming you mean us together as you still regularly see my sister and brother in law. I was the extra ingredient. I agree, I miss it – you – too. So, OK, may be that one wasn’t so confusing.

What about this one..? We got talking about modern day women and what they want from a man and how it’s impossible. An interesting conversation. Then you asked me what I was looking for in a man… OK, part of the conversation: a woman providing an example. But did you have to then say that there was “only one man in the world like that, and that’s me.” Really? What am I supposed to do with that?

Then later, you mentioned that you had just started watching the film version of my favourite book. A coincidence? Maybe. But I wasn’t the only one to think that it was strange. Why tell me that?

And then, the moment that you pointed out our age gap.. I can’t remember the context, but this was an unexpected twist… That when we met the age gap seemed too big but now it doesn’t. I mean, age gaps don’t mean a thing when you’re just friends so.. you know, that naturally got me thinking.

Don’t get me wrong, I also wasn’t the only one who noticed the name dropping of your girlfriend. Sometimes – if you don’t mind us both suggesting – a little needlessly. I’m sure that we also didn’t need to know that you have no sex drive anymore. Someone a little more invested might think you were hinting that you were less physically involved with your girlfriend but as I ‘called it a day’ last year, I obviously didn’t think this but I just wanted to add it in there as something potentially confusing.

I know, I know, we’d all had a bit to drink by this point. And honestly, it’s not the first time I’ve reflected that I probably imagined all these things. That maybe I am adding more weight to these innocent little comments than there should have been. Except… it wasn’t just me that noticed them. I mean, one of our party commented that you seemed more like your old self than you had done in months. Of course, I know that we have that effect on each other – people have commented on that for years. Just like they always thought that we were an item when… We weren’t. So what if they thought that some of your comments were a little suggestive too?

But yes, it was lovely to see you.

Obviously, in my current lonely state, it’s entirely possible that I imagined all the hints and suggestions. I’m back to those days of self doubt, confusion and heartache and I don’t want to go back to not knowing what’s going on.

What was that? What do I want then?

I’m not sure.

Ok, yes, I will admit that I have given mixed signals too in the past. But in my defence, I was confused. And protecting my heart.

No more mixed signals? OK, here goes…

If you told me that you’ve always loved me – no, less than that – if you told me that I’ve always had a special place in your heart. Or, that we were soul mates (yes, I know you’ve said that beforez but in this context)…

So, if, you told me that you missed me. That you always wondered what might have been. That you were scared of how powerfully we felt for each other and it was too much back then… If you told me that we were both older now, and you still felt the same after all these years. Then, yes, I would loan you my heart. Just for a while. Just to see if all that promise we have felt for all these years was truth. I could do that, if you said those things.

But, if you didn’t.. Well, nothing has changed then. I’d lose a little bit more respect for you as you’re either messing me about and still playing the game after all these years.. Or… You still don’t know what you want. And, you know what? You can’t blame your youth for that anymore. And surely, if you care for me as you say you do, you wouldn’t do that again.

I know we have history. So much of it. But that history has made me really tired of the “what ifs”. Has it not you too? So let’s not slip into old habits. Please. My lonely heart can’t take it again.