Confirmations

It’s been a whirlwind few days.

Saturday night I reeped the reward of my scheming, and karma came to bite my on the ass. I was going out with my sisters and because of the way I was dressed etc, Wild Card was convinced I was meeting someone else. This prompted me, in frustration, to ask him to clarify what we were to each other. I got my answer, he got his reassurance. When we discussed it all the next day, he said it was normal for us both to feel some jealousy at this stage. I feel jealous too so I can’t disagree with him.

Sunday was met with multiple calls again, including some with his parents who looked genuinely pleased to see me. We both had plans with our family but I received a message late on asking if I missed him. I told him that ‘my mind, my body, my heart and my soul’ missed him to which he replied ‘I’m happy’. He called when he got home and, I kid you not, he had me laughing for the full one hour 40 minute conversation. I could see it in his face – he was happy because I was happy.

Monday’s conversations took a more serious turn.

I’m not sure how it happened but we ended up discussing our future together.

He reacted to my concerns with passion and reassurance, telling me how much he loved and wanted me and that we would be together. It wasn’t just his words but the way he said it, his determination to prove it to me, that finally reassured me.

He admitted some of his own concerns about our situation though. Strangely, it made me feel better in some ways because it felt more real. It is natural for him to be thinking these things.

It was a difficult conversation but it needed to be had. We are both committed to trying this and so that is what we will do. We hope to confirm my next visit at the end of this week and then I will book my flights.

Whilst more reassured, my anxieties are ever present. I’ve come to accept them too.

Last night’s (second) call of an hour and a half was beautiful. He danced to the music I was playing, looked at me the way I loved. We talked about our first kiss. He told me that he knew things about me that I didn’t know about myself, but wouldn’t elaborate on it.

At one point the talking stopped but when I said I would go he didn’t want me to. So, we ‘lay together’, looking at each other, until both of our eyes fell for sleep.

If I hadn’t been lying downstairs I probably would have continued to ‘sleep’ with him but in the end I was forced to say goodnight.

I’m happy, content. I feel loved and feel love in return. I know I am a big part of his life now – his actions show this.

So why am I waking at 3am in the morning?

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Shopping, Cuteness and lions

I have a had a mental kind of day.

I went Christmas shopping. I hate Christmas shopping particularly when everyone else is Christmas shopping. By early lunchtime I was done.

It didn’t help that I was expecting Wild Card to call. I wanted him to call.

I drove home but, feeling overwhelmed with a range of emotions – my friend’s controlling behaviour when shopping, driving past the crematorium where Dad’s ashes lie, knowing I will be alone for part of Christmas – I pulled over in a lay-by not 5 minutes from my house.

A short walk on a narrow road through hedgerowed fields leads to beautiful views of my local countryside. There’s a beautiful little Chapel and a stunning listed mansion which has been converted into apartments. It was bright, sunny and crisp and I enjoyed the exercise.

I had tried to call Wild Card myself but he was on the phone. I tried to push my suspicious thoughts to one side and the fresh air helped. Before long though, he called and immediately apologised, saying his mother was talking to his brother.

The light was so bright that I couldn’t actually see him, so I wandered into the grounds of the Chapel where a little peaceful, contemplation garden could be found.

Sitting on a bench, surrounded by the deep green of rhododendron bushes, we chatted. I’d decided that if I was going to get to know him more I should try to initate more conversations and help him with his English along the way.

His English is fine. The majority of the time he can explain himself perfectly, even when he doesn’t quite know the right vocabulary. I asked him again about hobbies, travel, films etc. We have things in common!

At one point he retorted that this felt more like a police interview than a lesson. He makes me laugh.

I took the opportunity to ask more, personal, questions. He answered so sincerely that my heart warmed to him even more. The conversation ended, and I felt a little more secure about my plan to meet him. There was a definite spring in my step as I walked back to the car.

I visited my sister for a little while and my previous mood returned a little. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt in the way, but didn’t want to go home alone. After an hour, I decided it was time to go and I checked my phone to see that Wild Card had called me.

As soon as I got to the car I called him. We chatted for a little while and then my sister arrived at the car window, wondering why I hadn’t moved. She spoke to him briefly and at one point thanked him for making me smile as apparently my face had been sour before his call.

Initially, I thought she has spoken too quickly for him to follow but once she had disappeared he immediately questioned me, a smile on his face. I admitted she was right and agreed with my sister – he did make me smile.

He then asked why I had not been happy before and I explained with tears in my eyes about my impending lonely Christmas.

He asked about the kids and then my sisters and when he found out I wouldn’t be with them, he told me not to worry as he would be with me instead. Cute! We talked a little more then he went off to the gym.

As I had abandoned my friend in town (long story) but had the majority of her shopping in the car, I had offered to pick her up from the train station and take her home. We chatted, I dropped her off, then I went home.

It wasn’t long though before I realised that tonight was probably the best time to go food shopping. Very reluctantly, I set out again – not before texting Wild Card to tell him what I was doing. (I had heard nothing from Second all day, if you were wondering.)

Shopping was horrendous, as you would imagine from the last Saturday before Christmas in a large, major supermarket. As soon as I got home, seeing that he had replied to my text, I decided to call Wild Card again.

Yep, third video call of the day.

Before long, he had my in fits of laughter. He often does this. To the point that I can’t stop laughing and tears are running down my face. As addictive as constant laughing is, the look on his own face as he watches me is just… Beautiful.

Tomorrow he is probably visiting family. When I asked if he would miss me (a question which is regularly bandied about between us) he of course said no, with a cheeky look on his face and then laughter as I pretended to sulk. I told him that ‘I can’t make you miss me’ which then turned into a five minute exploration of that sentence as he tried to say it back to me. Naturally, we were both laughing at that too.

I asked him about the recent and regular pictures of lions which he has posted in Facebook, wondering if they had some religious significance that I had no idea about. He misheard me and thought I said ‘online’. He then proceeded to tell me that he always leaves his phone online but he isn’t on it. Whilst that wasn’t the answer to my question, it reassured me as it wasn’t so long ago that I’d changed the settings so I couldn’t see when he was online. Eventually he understood the lion reference and told me that he liked lions and that he particularly ‘liked the picture of the lion family: the mother, the father and the baby’. He is so cute.

All in all, a very heart warming day.

5.55am

I woke up at 5.30am this morning, again. Not sure why. I’m getting between 5 and 6 hours sleep a night. There are bags under my eyes. I’m hoping that when school closes in one week I will be more inclined to sleep in.

Yesterday morning at 9am I got a response from Second.

‘Good morning, sorry I didn’t say goodnight last night’

He got a gold star for that one. I’d have been happy with ‘good morning’. Although, saying that, after the ‘we are not serious ‘ performance, I have discovered my feelings have retreated back behind the self preservation barrier.

Once his children went back to their mother mid afternoon, he was very attentive as usual. I got a phonecall and a video call.

I’m still not sure he is emotionally available. Despite this renewed attention, he reminded me again that when he goes home in just over a week’s time, he will be quieter. I acknowledged that again with understanding.

The proof will still be in whether we meet on the 17th as planned. There’s been no mention of that this week. He’s got another four nights child free so, again, I think I will know better by Friday.

Wild Card on the other hand, well he is being as attentive as ever. Perhaps more so, even. More recently, his video calls have come at times when he is with his family. Yesterday, he had taken them all out on a drive to a town about an hour away for a walk. He video called me and took me with them for ten minutes, showing me the beautiful streets. That was cute.

I’m more certain than ever that he does like me. Those red flags, previously discussed, are still there. But I am aware of them now and will continue to play this slowly.

I feel less guilty following Second’s, ‘if you meet a nice guy then it’s fair game ‘ comment. Although twice yesterday when I was on the phone to him, Wild Card called. The first time I ended the call – at his suggestion – to answer Wild Card. The second time I didn’t. They’ve never crossed over so much as this and it was not an easy situation.

Whose call more important?

Second’s insecurity-inspiring behaviour this weekend has made me more cautious around him. Time will tell I suppose.

I do know that I’m not comfortable with this going on much longer but I figure mid January will be the decision deadline.

Pink flag

Yes pink, not quite red yet.

I’ve had another good few days of video chats with Wild Card. Everything appears to have returned to form and we had a good, heartfelt chat the other day.

And then there was today.

He called me late morning and we spoke and laughed for about half an hour before he went off to have lunch.

A couple of hours later he called again and I propped him up on my dresser as I got ready to go out. I’d told him previously about my busy day today – an afternoon with family for an early Christmas get together to put up decorations; then a Christmas themed evening at my friend’s house. He’d joked that there would be no time for him.

He watched me get ready and joked that I could be spending the afternoon with him. I promised him I’d call before I left for my friend’s.

I got home around six and had half an hour to sort myself out and then give him a call before leaving at 6.30pm. I eventually called around 6.15 but there as no answer.

I sent him a text saying I’d tried to call but was about to leave. At 6.25 he called back.

I shouldn’t have answered really – I should have been getting into the car. But of course I did, because I wanted to see him before I left.

He was a little quiet and asked about my afternoon. I told him, then said I was about to go out which he then questioned. Why was I going out again, so late? Being super conscious of his culture and half knowing the answer, I asked him whether it was unusual for women to go out so late in his country.

The answer was pretty much yes. Whilst they may go out for a coffee or shopping, evening outings were reserved for couples – romantic meals out. To be fair to him, in all the time that I’ve spoken to him, I’ve only know him to go out in the evening when his family were visiting last week. He doesn’t go out in the evenings other than that.

I told him that, as I did not have a man in my life, I would spend my evenings with my friends. That didn’t go down well, in hindsight.

He asked me not to go and to stay with him. I thought he was joking at first – it’s not the first time I’ve been out in the evening whilst talking to him, and whilst he’s always questioned who I’m with, he’s never reacted negatively and I’ve always seen that as playful banter rather than anything else.

Apparently not.

I soon realised he was not joking. He asked me to rearrange – to see them next weekend, or in the day. He wasn’t happy I was driving so far, so late. He kept saying he wanted me to be with him.

I said no, and that I was going. Part of me still thought he was joking – he does say things just to get a reaction from me sometimes , only to break into a cheeky grin moments later.

I told him I had to go and asked what time was he going to bed as I would speak to him later. He told me he wasn’t going to bed, which was odd.

He again asked me not to go and I again said I was. He then said ‘fine’ and looked miserable. I asked him why he was sad, to which he replied.. ‘sure I will not be sad, my girlfriend is going on a romantic date with another man. I won’t be sad.’

Woahhh.

I immediately questioned the girlfriend comment. In hindsight, I don’t know why I’m surprised. In his culture, they apparently don’t multiple date but they very much have the opinion that us Brits do.

I then questioned his trust of me.

Of course I’m being a complete hypocrite. He acted exactly how I feel when he doesn’t answer or when he was out with family last week. I regularly wonder who he’s with and who he’s speaking to. I can’t just blame his culture (although it has something to do with it) as I have felt exactly the same.

It appears that he is feeling as insecure as me.

I find this so strange. To me, he is one of the most handsome men I’ve ever met. I’m memorised by him. He’s funny and sweet and intelligent. Part of my insecurity is that I can’t understand what he sees in me. I can’t believe he hasn’t got other girls on the go because I know how attractive he is. Why would he risk everything on me – an online date, or apparently, girlfriend.

But pieces are adding up to suggest he feels the same. When I told him he was ‘hot’ yesterday, he seemed genuinely surprised and said ‘no’ and that I was, not him. There was no smile of acknowledgement or pride or embarrassment, just a genuine surprise that I thought that.

Back to today…. I told him he should trust me and that I would call him later.

Yeah. I’ve asked him to trust me even though I am talking to someone else. That does not feel good, I can tell you. I try to justify myself by thinking that I haven’t physically met anyone so what does it matter: I’m telling the truth when I say I’m not meeting another man. It does matter though, doesn’t it?

I drove to my friend’s and enjoyed catching up for an hour. Of course, the conversation turned to my dating and I filled them in on Wild Card and Second.

My friend suggested I initiated video chat with Wild Card and so I tried, twice. Both times he was on the phone. (yes, I did assume he was talking with another woman, angry with me)

I eventually sent a text saying that I had tried and that my friends wanted to meet him.

Ten excruciating minutes later, he called.

The video chat was brief but he immediately started to apologise. He said hello, animatedly, to my friends and then I cut the call short saying I would message him later.

I text immediately after I’d put the phone down, to say that he should trust me and that I would text when I got home.

He replied that we could talk tomorrow as he was going to bed. (!). Being more true to form and guessing that he was now more relaxed about the situation, I said goodnight. I tried not to think that he was doing anything else.

What a mess.

I can’t criticise him for feeling exactly how I feel.

Our differing cultures do play a part in this.

I am actually lying to him. If he is completely innocent in all this, then what does that make me?

I need to further explore and consider the girlfriend comment.

I will be interested to see what happens today. We are going to have to talk about it, that’s for sure.

Morning reflections.

I’ve been up since 4.30am with two vomiting children. Now they’re settled and there is no point in me trying to go back to sleep, it’s given me time to think.

I’m conscious that my last few posts have mainly centred on Wild Card. Don’t think that is because I like him more than Second. My life is never that simple.

I’ve questioned myself about that. I still believe that I like them both but in different ways.

With Wild Card I feel excited and passionate when we talk. He makes me laugh. I’m intrigued by him. But I don’t altogether trust him either which makes me anxious. I can’t believe that he doesn’t have a number of women and I am still surprised that he likes me, although I do believe him when he says he does. You can’t fake some facial expressions. I get the impression that if we were to meet and we liked each other, I would fall hard.

Second is different, culturally as well as feelings wise. He was the front runner for a long time but circumstances – his working at sea for six weeks – has meant that we have only communicated by WhatsApp for the past few weeks. His contact is consistent and regular.

He also makes me laugh – we make each other laugh. We have similar backgrounds and interests. His messages have become more and more affectionate as the weeks have gone on. He is kind and complimentary. And I am attracted to him physically, just slightly less than Wild Card. That’s not a bad thing.

He makes me smile, inside and out. I feel more steady and secure with him, even though there are still no certainties – although he tells me he is certain we will meet.

If the messages, phone calls and video chats are anything to go by, I think we are going to get along well.

But his circumstances are even more difficult than Wild Card’s. Not only does he have a different Nationality to me, which is the reason we have not met yet and won’t do until January (he is spending Christmas at home with his parents), he lives in Scotland and has just bought a house there to be close to his children.

How would a relationship possibly work with him? We live four hours away from each other, when he’s actually in the country and not at sea or visiting his homeland.

So, if anything, I know I’m also wary of falling for him too. The reason I allowed the chats with Wild Card to initiate was to ground my growing interest in Second. Modern dating, remember?

At a friend’s advice, I’ve logged back in to Hinge in attempt to find some more connections to draw myself back into my original ‘flirt and date’ game plan. It’s not working. Despite some interest, I’ve found that I’m half-heartedly messaging back which is unfair to all involved.

The advice I have received on here has been sound and I am grateful for it. I need to keep pulling myself back, enjoy what I have in this moment. I haven’t met either man yet!!! I need to calm down. I’ve had the no-connection dates which had previously held so much promise. There is every chance that a date with either of them would turn into nothing and I am breaking the cardinal rule of no-textationships.

Grounded, grounded, grounded. Live in the moment. Learn and grow. Be open to all possibilities, good and bad.

Wish me luck.

Is it me?

Written yesterday:

I’m trying to understand myself right now, and I’m struggling.

I’ve had contact from Wild Card today. A very, very brief video chat before he had to go out and then, as promised, messages later in the afternoon.

It isn’t enough today. Today I am craving his face and his voice and his laughter. And of course, because I’m not getting it, I’m starting to get anxious. Again. I cut the video chat short yesterday when he called, and he messaged me both in the early evening and in response to my very late night message.

What more do I want from him?!

I’m being needy and clingy and I need to snap out of it.

He is contacting me/we are in contact every day, often more than once. It’s just that over the last few days, video chats have been shorter. My renewed low self esteem is clinging on to that. My imagination has worked out exactly what’s going on and me being hurt is figuring quite highly.

************************************

The morning after:

As I was writing this, he called. Again it was brief but at least he called.

I was appeased for a little while but spent the afternoon second guessing myself.

I think it’s pretty clear I like this man and probably more than is wise.

Later he text me asking how I was.

And then in the evening, he initiated video chat again, again only briefly, but to show me he was with his family and his visiting sister in law.

I questioned why he couldn’t speak to me when he was with them, even though I sort of knew the answer – ‘respect’.

Culturally, we are different, and it feels almost clandestine when he does this – like he’s secretly initiating me into a new world.

I don’t dislike that though. There’s something sweet about him trying to include me whilst respecting his own family and culture.

His effect on me in palpable: my body feels it when he’s not around. That is a dangerous situation to be in.

Is it just because I’m physically attracted to him? Craving intimacy, love and affection? Is it my ego needing the boost he gives me every time he calls? I’m addicted to that feeling now.

That’s my romantic self. The one who wants the fairytale. Don’t be mistaken, the independent sensible side of me is still very cautious and wary. I guess part of my internal turmoil is that I want that part of me to be wrong. As yet, it is unknown.

So yes, in answer to the question, it definitely is me.

Third

I’m missing out the second man, because he is the one I have more to say about. Much more.

Number three and i matched and I was excited: my age, attractive, single, no kids…

He is funny. He is lively and cheeky and we have a lot of fun.

In the first weekend, he was willing to drive the 40 minutes to meet me. This would have been my first date and whilst it was appealing, I just wasn’t ready. I felt like I hadn’t spoken to him enough.

For nearly two weeks, messages have been pretty much daily and although there have been other times when he had suggested to come down, often at late notice, I’ve realised that he is as nervous as I am because it never happens.

Slowly, the messaging is getting further apart. It’s kind of sad because I quite liked him and think meeting him would be a lot of fun.

What have I learned from him?

I’m not the only one who gets nervous.

Being on a dating app doesn’t mean that someone is ready to physically date – which is amazing to me.

Like the First, this man has been a real confidence boost. His communications have been friendly, caring and flirty. Sure, a little part of me is disappointed we have not met and probably won’t but his texts have helped me balance my emotions and excitement for others.

While he is still messaging me, I will message back. But I’m not holding out for any more than that, and that’s OK.

Bumbling along

So, unlike my favourite dating blog, backinstilettosagain, I certainly haven’t got any interesting dates to share yet.

But, I thought I’d update you on Bumble again. Please share your experience with me too – it would be great to know how usual all this is!

So after last night’s mini-rant, I was all set to delete my profile on Bumble. And then I thought again. One, as mumslovelife said – I need more than one picture if I am going to be taken seriously. So, I took a deep breath, scrolled through my phone and added three more. Second, I haven’t given it long enough. I actually quite like the premise of it so I need to give it more time. And three, I could always up the age limit…

I’d select 35 to 43 initially as I am 38. It just seemed like a good start. I then changed the age to 41 to 47. I figured – hoped more like – that there would be more maturity, less sex fiends and more potential.

As before, the first trawl was surprisingly positive – there are some very attractive, eligible older men in my area! After a while the profiles have been mixed. There are still shirtless pics and still men openly talking about their sexual preferences in their profile. Yuk.

I’ve made a few more matches. I’m currently messaging one who seems OK so far. The other two are yet to respond. Miserable dater from yesterday has not responded to my last message so I guess he had more contact from Tinder after all. 🤣

I’ll post more as the drama unfolds.

I still don’t get it.

Bumble update. It’s not good.

Truthfully, I was pleasantly surprised with the (apparent) number of men on there. As I’ve read in the reviews, the aesthetically ‘most attractive’ men are first and the more you swipe, the more ordinary they look. That’s not a bad thing but it just means that you have to persevere with the swiping. I just hope the men are doing the same: what I lack in face and body, I make up for in mind and soul. 😊 I’m well aware I’m a slightly defective doll on the shelf of a toy superstore.

As with other sites and apps, there are the fair share of shirtless bed or gym pictures. I appreciate a toned body like the best of them but I much prefer to leave that to the imagination until it really matters, if you know what I mean?

Anyone who seems to spend their life up mountains or in the gym are also a no – mainly because I don’t believe they would be interested in chubby old me. I may have swiped right on a couple though…

All in all though, I have seen men I’m interested in or at least wouldn’t mind getting to know more.

According to Bumble, I still have 50+ men who are apparently interested in me. I don’t believe it. I have to pay to see them or keep swiping in the hope we are compatible. I just don’t believe there are that many but then I have no idea how many I have swiped either. It’s a numbers game so I’ve probably gone through quite a few both ways.

By last night, I’d matched with six men not including the one I blocked. I messaged all of them. Some were just ‘hello there’, some were questions related to their profile.

By tonight, five had disappeared without a response. Considering that I’ve only recently joined Bumble, these men have seen me in the last few days. For whatever reason, they’ve decide to like me. And then completely ignore me.

Why? Again, I don’t get it. Why match if you have no intention of messaging? Was my contact that boring and uninspiring? Or are they just saying yes to the majority just to cherry pick? I sort of understand that, and expect that, but after some sort of dialogue at least.

Don’t get me wrong, I was not expecting to have a load of dates lined up already. I know this will take time and effort and resilience. I know that there will be lots of dead-ends, lots of lethario wannabes and a few weirdos thrown into the mix. I know that there will be men who don’t find me attractive and those who will not find my personality or situation compatable. Fair enough. But why match with me, only to do nothing?

I’m of the opinion that the whole premise of Bumble doesn’t work, or doesn’t work for me at least.

(I’ve not mentioned the one who replied. His whole response was how he actually wasn’t impressed with his own profile but that it must be better than Tinder as he has had no responses there….. Errrmmmm.)

Considered spontaneity

It’s been a mad old week. Last weekend I had hoped to have been away with my friend but she weirded out on me. More on this later.

My whole household has been struck down with norovirus this week which was pretty grim. I managed to finish my book and actually watch a film that wasn’t Disney which was good.

I was overwhelmed with aching loss for Dad yesterday. Just shows my ‘carry on as normal’ defence is not infallible. Not. At. All.

All these seemingly unrelated things have resulted in an action I’d been dismissing for some time. I just did it, tonight, out of the blue.

I’ve signed up to Internet dating. And I’ve actually put a picture up. And I’ve liked six men. Again, more on this later.

So, last week over the period of a few days, my friend and I tried to find a cheap getaway for the weekend. Or, I should say, I did. She just said no to everything. I’m not sure what was going on but everything I suggested, she criticised. At no point did she ask me what I wanted to do, but to be quite honest, I wasn’t really bothered – I was just looking forward to getting away from it all and spending time with my friend. Sensing she wasn’t herself, I tried desperately to find something that met her approval. In the end, because I hadn’t found anything, she decided that this was all too stressful and backed out, leaving me potentially completely alone. I haven’t heard from her since. Luckily my sisters were available amd along with their husbands, we had a games night with a few drinks. Yes it was fun, but yes I was the only single one. At one point in the evening, the red wine helped me whine to my sister and brother in law about the fact that Lost Soul is now dating an older woman with children. Which feels like a complete slap in the face. Read about it here:

https://startingfromthemiddleblog.wordpress.com/2017/08/06/clarity-in-the-cold-light-of-day/

Moving on.

I contemplated my friend’s actions, in a lot of frustration being honest, over the following days. I felt a little used and surplus – for her, it was more about the trip than being with me. I realised that I cannot rely in her to be my regular companion if this is the case.

Then the norovirus. (don’t worry, no details!) When I wasn’t fast asleep and just feeling sorry for myself, I managed to watch some TV. Luckily, I was ill whilst my kids were with their dad so I actually had the remote! I ended up watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles which I hadn’t seen in years. It saddened me to realise that both John Candy and John Hughes died in their 40s – mortality hitting me in the face again and giving me a wake up call. Life’s too short to wait around and be miserable.

This then got me thinking about Dad and a conversation we had just a few months ago. He asked me if I thought I’d ever marry again. I said probably not. He told me that I was ‘only a girl’ and that I had my whole life ahead of me. Because he lived with me, I know he always worried about me meeting someone new. The fact he said that shows that he probably had a idea he was dying.

The book that I read this week is called ‘You Don’t Have to Say you Love Me’ by Sarra Manning.

Yes, it’s chick-lit but it’s easy reading, funny and I can relate to the characters. The descriptions in the romantic scenes are heartwarming and yes, made me crave to feel that way again myself. Admittedly, I’ve read it a few times now. 😊

So all of these things have pointed me towards dating again. I’ve been separated nearly two years and a as certain as ever that it’s the right choice.

Sure, I can think of a million reasons that I should wait. And I’m still not convinced this will work. But I have to try.

I’ve put an OK photo up. An everyday photo. I’ve been honest. I’ve tried to be myself.

And, at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite here, the dating pool I was sent as ‘matches’ was pretty grim. I even extended the distance to 50 miles. Only 6.

Well, it’s a beginning.