It’s been a lazy day today.
Wildcard has been working all day, and working until late. I missed him to the depths of my core and kept checking the clock until he was home.
Unfortunately, he’s told me that he will have to work these hours for the next couple of days. That’s a real disappointment. He told me that he was arguing with his colleague about it this morning. There’s nothing to be done however. It is what it is. His colleague proclaims that Wildcard didn’t specify he was also busy in the week, just the weekends. Wildcard feels he knew he was busy.
Either way, long days without him. If I was feeling negative, I could say that it is actually easier with an ocean between us. But I’m being positive. So I will be grateful for my mornings and my evenings.
The hard part is knowing what to do with myself when he gets home.
He always comes over for a kiss: pressing his lips to mine firmly, holding the touch just long enough. In that exact moment, I’m satisfied. And then he pulls away.
Oh I’m so demanding! And yet I try so hard not to be. I’m laughing internally at the audacity of myself and my expectations. No, that’s not right – I don’t expect it. I long for it.
I just want him near. But he’s an adult human being- he’s been in work all day. He goes about his evening like any other working man: gets changed and washed, lies on the couch to relax whilst he waits for dinner.
And I understand that. I give him space. I sit a little way from him and he plays his game or watches something and I just wait. I tell myself, “this is real life honey, not some fairytale”. But the yearning I have inside, just to be close and touching! It’s not even desire for sex although I can’t pretend it isn’t that either. It’s just desire for him. I just want him and feel so dissatisfied as I sit and wait my turn in what is a completely acceptable and normal situation. I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help myself.
Because I start to feel frustrated. I start thinking stupid things. And the longer the status quo continues, the more stupid my mind gets. I’ve learnt that this simple, normal situation triggers something in me. And if I’m not careful, those thoughts and fears dominate my mind and my emotions erupt.
As I am trying to be a positive being, I will say this. I am fighting it and working on it. I am conscious of it and the unreasonable nature of my feelings. And so this time, whilst I can’t pretend those feelings don’t exist, they have been more under control than in the previous trips.
After a little while, I got up to take my medicine. Within minutes, he had followed me.