Excuse my writing. I can’t promise this will be coherent or logical or valid, or even rational.
I can feel the anxiety and emotion and angst bubbling like lava in my solar plexus. My breathing is shallow.
I’m writing to get it all out. To purge it from my system in the hope that clarity will remain.
I’ve learnt enough about myself recently to know that this has been a slow build: a collection of evidence and concerns that my brain has stored, just waiting for the last piece of the mismatched puzzle.
And it will be mismatched. I’ve learnt enough about myself to know that, too.
It’s been the two months of being on edge, not knowing if my actions have ruined my relationship.
It’s the two months of him being on a cycle of busy and ill and therefore, just that little bit distant.
It’s the fact that he won’t commit to a time for me to visit.
It’s the fact that the plane prices are rising.
It’s the fact that my friends don’t seem to think he will ever commit to me.
It’s the fact that he’s different on the phone. Just a little. Less smiles. Less talking.
It’s how I’m beginning to lose hope. My dreams dying.
It’s how, I can no longer imagine a time when this works out.
It’s because I see my fb friend struggling in her marriage with a man from Wildcard’s country.
It’s because my London friend contacted to say her three year relationship is over.
And it’s because, nothing has changed about how much I love him. I still want him. And I fear deep down, that I’m going to get hurt.
I’m tired of the unknown and the anxiety and the overthinking and he think he is too.
I called after work as I always do. He was fine, we were fine, and passed the time of day. He told me his brother had just called and wanted to know if Wildcard could take a week off in the summer so that they could all travel to a holiday resort in the North of his country.
This is going to be hard to explain, so stick with me. I’m going to sound paranoid and selfish too.
My immediate thoughts? Well, there goes the time he would have spent with me. He will use his holidays with his brother and will work when I’m there. We won’t go travelling. I will be in the house waiting for him. I’m an after thought, I’m not important. His life with me and his relationship now come second to what his brother wants. And maybe, that’s because – as I have long suspected – he doesn’t feel like I do. There’s no urgency to see me. There’s no missing me or wanting me. I feel like he could wait no end and not be bothered. (I’m crying again, btw)
So of course, as he says this, my eyes fill up. I try to hide it, as I always do, and fail also as I always do.
And he got moody. What was wrong? Why was I getting upset?
How to explain… how to get across how I feel without painting myself in a terrible light?
I just said, I was nervous that he would have no time for me. That he would have no holidays to be with me – (keeping in mind that he had 9 days off with his brother in February. He took 3 days off when I was there in January. )
He started by saying he had plenty of holiday left, then got angry and said what was the problem if he had to work? That we just stayed in his town and he worked and I stayed in the house?
And I felt devalued, again. Not important, again. And part of me knows he’s testing to see if all I want is a holiday, not him. And I know he’s in a difficult position. But why can’t our life together come first? Why can’t his brother fit around us as he was there less than a month ago?
And why was he angry?
At the same time, he talked through times when I could come and didn’t rule out my holiday in May. He wants me to come in summer, it seems, but I got the impression that was because he wanted to travel, but now that might not happen as his brother will supercede it.
He ended by telling me I had interrupted his programme and he was going, followed by the usual niceties.
And here I am.