My worst enemy is…

Definitely myself. Or my errant, spontaneous and often negative, thoughts.

I had an hour long chat yesterday morning with Wild Card before I went shopping. I actually enjoyed shopping for once… Mainly because I discovered I have now dropped three dress sizes. Yes three. So shopping became pleasurable, particularly as I was buying clothes for my trip to see Wild Card which is now less than two weeks away…

I spent the afternoon with my friend, of course dissecting the situation with him. She’s supportive, honest, and not overly negative. She asked more about my thoughts for the future and I just told her that I am enjoying this one step at a time. And I’ve been telling my head that ever since. Can I cope with years of this? What if he doesn’t like me when I get there? Nerves, anticipation, paranoia… Just focus on one step at a time.

Back to being my own worst enemy…

I got home late afternoon and as I hadn’t heard from him all day, sent a message. An hour and a half later there had been no response. I don’t have to say any more do I? My head was jumping to its own conclusions as usual. But, thinking about my recent training, I tried thinking logically and sensibly… He always calls back. He never misses. He has his own life – maybe he was just busy. I’ve missed his texts before! And he’s told me to call when I want… So, I did.

And of course, everything was fine. He was out in the city with his family. His brother was getting his hair cut, so Wild Card took me on a little walk so I could see the surroundings. He kept asking me what I thought. As he got back to the car, he told me he would call me later.

Fifteen minutes later he was calling again, this time showing me a shopping precinct. It was amazing to see it and made me even more excited for my visit. In some ways it clarified my expectations too.

So, my stupid head thought the worst and in return he was as attentive and thoughtful as ever, showing me his world and wanting my opinion on it. He didn’t need to do any of that.

That should be enough, shouldn’t it? How many times does he need to prove those negative thoughts wrong? But oh no, my over active imagination decided to start again today…

I had my usual ‘good morning’ text. So far so good. I got home and the clock steadily worked its way to six and so the anticipation started to build, as usual. My kids are home, so of course their needs come first, so I work to get everything done before he calls. At half six, I sit down and I hadn’t heard anything… And then I heard the familiar ping of my phone.

Butterflies dancing in my stomach, I opened messenger to see that he has sent me a video. I waited, rather impatiently, for it to download.

It was an Ed Sheeran video of ‘Perfect’, with the lyrics in both his first language and English. I think it might be one of the most romantic things he’s done and my heart just swelled. (Read the lyrics and you’ll know what I mean.)

But was he being romantic or was he just sending me a song he liked? If I assume he was being romantic and he wasn’t, it will be really awkward. How to answer… I send a kiss face and said ‘I love that song’. Neutral, I thought.

Ten minutes later… No response. How the hell can he send that and then not respond or even read my message?

Oh. He had sent 45 minutes before it had finally downloaded. Grrrr.

Nothing for it but to call him…. And he’s on the phone.

To who? Obviously another woman. He’s probably sent it to all of us and she responded first. I actually stopped myself at this point. What on earth was I doing? He’s just sent something really romantic and I’m being negative. Again. So I reasoned with myself. He’s told you that he would not sit at home on the phone with another woman when his parents know about me. It’s probably his brother or his friend or something. He will call back.

Which he did. But when I answered, he wasn’t at home. He was out for a walk. Which meant he could have been on the phone to another woman. What the hell is wrong with me?! We spoke very briefly but it was hard to hear so he said he would call me when he got home.

So when he called back he knew instantly, instantly, there was something wrong. Even though I’d given myself a stern telling off for jumping to conclusions. But he knew. It didn’t matter how much I smiled and said I was fine, he kept asking. He said he knew me and I wasn’t acting the same. Did I not like the music he sent me? At this point I had even asked him if he sent it to be romantic. He replied that he loved me and thought about me all the time and he liked the song and found it in our languages… Did I not want him to be romantic? He asked if it was work, my family, had he done something to upset me… He even mentioned the fact he had been on the phone but I did such a good job of saying ‘what?!’ that he changed the subject and kept questioning me. Yeah, because you realised you were not at home… He even pulled the… ‘if you love me and want me, you need to tell me what’s wrong’ tactic.

Sure, I’m going to tell you that I became insanely jealous and paranoid when you’ve done nothing more than be on the phone when I called.

Luckily, for me, at this point my youngest came in to the room and dominated the conversation for a while. And yes, Wild Card is brilliant with him. Swoon.

The conversation ended not long after that as my son needed to go to bed and Wild Card had overheard his Dad in the next room saying something about a bereavement. He blew kisses at me and told me to not be sad. I told him I wasn’t, but clearly I hadn’t convinced him.

What is wrong with me? Really, I mean what is wrong? The facts speak for themselves. I’ve got to stop jumping to conclusions and stick with the facts. I keep hoping that a week with him, confirming that we both feel the same and I will stop worrying so much.

But. My own worst enemy isn’t so sure I can manage a worry free existence.

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Pausing the fall

Can you actually do that? I’m going to try.

As is often the way when I write on here, the minute I had posted ‘Falling’ I came off WordPress to see that I’d had a message from Second.

We had a decent text chat and he messaged me again a few hour later before bed. He told me he was out for the day the next day and would have no WiFi but promised pictures when he got home.

He stuck to his word. He sent me beautiful pictures of his destination and then a film montage of him and his family. We chatted until he was too tired to do anything but sleep.

OK, I will admit it, my heart panged a little. What’s made it worse, that despite my perceptions that things have changed, when I checked my phone he has actually been in contact every day since he went home. I didn’t think he had. And I certainly hadn’t expected him to. Sure, the conversations are much shorter, but honestly, what else do I want from him??? He has been in contact every day since flying home, to spend Christmas with his family for the first time in ten years, and since he split with his wife. I feel like an absolute selfish mare.

Naturally, because that’s just the way I am, my head went into overdrive. Thinking, analysing, processing. Add tiredness, a week of much more alcohol than normal and my period and you can imagine the result.

Luckily for me but not for her, my sister chose to call at that point. Saying that, I’m not sure how much she helped. She said she sensed that I was more into Wild Card now and that she felt sorry for Second. She said that she had thought I was really into him and that Wild Card was the distraction. 😕

We tried to pin point when things changed.

It’s when he came home, ironically. It’s from the ‘this isn’t serious, we haven’t met yet, I’m taking it slowly don’t push me’ message he gave me, when I questioned him for suggesting I find someone else. Read it here.

This time coincided with Wild Card seemingly ‘upping his game’. Or maybe I took on board what Second had said, that if ‘another nice man came along it was fair game’. Things with Wild Card have certainly intensified.

I’ve resolved myself to try to take a step back. I haven’t met them yet!!!! They’re nothing more than sexy, attentive, online penpals. I need to calm down.

Am I doing wrong? I feel like I am, still. But I have no real evidence that neither one isn’t doing the same thing.

It’s a mess. No, sexy penpals, that’s all. Pause the fall.

Shopping, Cuteness and lions

I have a had a mental kind of day.

I went Christmas shopping. I hate Christmas shopping particularly when everyone else is Christmas shopping. By early lunchtime I was done.

It didn’t help that I was expecting Wild Card to call. I wanted him to call.

I drove home but, feeling overwhelmed with a range of emotions – my friend’s controlling behaviour when shopping, driving past the crematorium where Dad’s ashes lie, knowing I will be alone for part of Christmas – I pulled over in a lay-by not 5 minutes from my house.

A short walk on a narrow road through hedgerowed fields leads to beautiful views of my local countryside. There’s a beautiful little Chapel and a stunning listed mansion which has been converted into apartments. It was bright, sunny and crisp and I enjoyed the exercise.

I had tried to call Wild Card myself but he was on the phone. I tried to push my suspicious thoughts to one side and the fresh air helped. Before long though, he called and immediately apologised, saying his mother was talking to his brother.

The light was so bright that I couldn’t actually see him, so I wandered into the grounds of the Chapel where a little peaceful, contemplation garden could be found.

Sitting on a bench, surrounded by the deep green of rhododendron bushes, we chatted. I’d decided that if I was going to get to know him more I should try to initate more conversations and help him with his English along the way.

His English is fine. The majority of the time he can explain himself perfectly, even when he doesn’t quite know the right vocabulary. I asked him again about hobbies, travel, films etc. We have things in common!

At one point he retorted that this felt more like a police interview than a lesson. He makes me laugh.

I took the opportunity to ask more, personal, questions. He answered so sincerely that my heart warmed to him even more. The conversation ended, and I felt a little more secure about my plan to meet him. There was a definite spring in my step as I walked back to the car.

I visited my sister for a little while and my previous mood returned a little. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt in the way, but didn’t want to go home alone. After an hour, I decided it was time to go and I checked my phone to see that Wild Card had called me.

As soon as I got to the car I called him. We chatted for a little while and then my sister arrived at the car window, wondering why I hadn’t moved. She spoke to him briefly and at one point thanked him for making me smile as apparently my face had been sour before his call.

Initially, I thought she has spoken too quickly for him to follow but once she had disappeared he immediately questioned me, a smile on his face. I admitted she was right and agreed with my sister – he did make me smile.

He then asked why I had not been happy before and I explained with tears in my eyes about my impending lonely Christmas.

He asked about the kids and then my sisters and when he found out I wouldn’t be with them, he told me not to worry as he would be with me instead. Cute! We talked a little more then he went off to the gym.

As I had abandoned my friend in town (long story) but had the majority of her shopping in the car, I had offered to pick her up from the train station and take her home. We chatted, I dropped her off, then I went home.

It wasn’t long though before I realised that tonight was probably the best time to go food shopping. Very reluctantly, I set out again – not before texting Wild Card to tell him what I was doing. (I had heard nothing from Second all day, if you were wondering.)

Shopping was horrendous, as you would imagine from the last Saturday before Christmas in a large, major supermarket. As soon as I got home, seeing that he had replied to my text, I decided to call Wild Card again.

Yep, third video call of the day.

Before long, he had my in fits of laughter. He often does this. To the point that I can’t stop laughing and tears are running down my face. As addictive as constant laughing is, the look on his own face as he watches me is just… Beautiful.

Tomorrow he is probably visiting family. When I asked if he would miss me (a question which is regularly bandied about between us) he of course said no, with a cheeky look on his face and then laughter as I pretended to sulk. I told him that ‘I can’t make you miss me’ which then turned into a five minute exploration of that sentence as he tried to say it back to me. Naturally, we were both laughing at that too.

I asked him about the recent and regular pictures of lions which he has posted in Facebook, wondering if they had some religious significance that I had no idea about. He misheard me and thought I said ‘online’. He then proceeded to tell me that he always leaves his phone online but he isn’t on it. Whilst that wasn’t the answer to my question, it reassured me as it wasn’t so long ago that I’d changed the settings so I couldn’t see when he was online. Eventually he understood the lion reference and told me that he liked lions and that he particularly ‘liked the picture of the lion family: the mother, the father and the baby’. He is so cute.

All in all, a very heart warming day.