And the scales from my eyes

Pedestal high,

You circled me.

Thunder and lightening emanating from my heart and my soul,

Tied to you,

Or so I thought.

Your touch was the sun, lighting my days,

Your words, the dark that destabilised me.

And then the scales fell from my eyes.

A deep breath of bravery,

A moment of honesty,

And the scales fell to show me the truth.

You’re a siren,

a player,

a liar.

An actor, caught up in your own

starring role,

Writing the screen play,

Manipulating your players.

I see through you now.

See through your words,

Your memories,

Your games.

Strangely,

As the scales fell,

they strengthened my heart.

Realisation,

that I was fooled by a forgery,

In love with an ideal;

You were not a reality.

There was no promise or potential,

No right or wrong time.

So now, clear of dreams and lies,

I see you for what you are because

The scales fell from my eyes.

She’s here.

That’s OK. I know,

Now.

I’ve accepted, and processed.

I’ve understood and readjusted.

So, why,

Why do you say things?

Things that should make me think?

“I still need you in my life.”.

Or

“I thought it might be weird after what happened, her being here.”

It wasn’t and it isn’t.

I feel nothing.

A ghost of a memory.

A hint of a dream:

No reality.

No reality.

I feel nothing.

Weed of thought

Hate is a strong word. But I hate what you have done to me. I hate the power that I have willingly handed over to you, for too long.

I hate your need to dominate and the mind games you play. I hate your indecision and therefore, your lies.

I hate the weed of thought that has taken hold in my heart and mind, forever growing no matter how much I try to remove it.

I hate your shallowness and how it makes me feel. I hate the hope you inspire and the feelings you awaken. I hate the despair and the self-hatred you create.

I hate my weakness. But I abhorr yours.

Waiting for when

The problem is, I don’t think I deserve it.

I’m not pretty enough, not thin enough, not toned enough.

I don’t look after myself, I am too greedy, too lazy.

I’m not as nice as I think I am: I’m boring and awkward.

I believed something could happen with him because he made me believe I was attractive and beautiful and interesting. I needed to believe it was true so I needed him to commit to it, somehow.

He didn’t.  Now I don’t believe.

I plan and I scheme and I wait for when:

When I lose weight.

When I get fit.

When I’ve dyed my hair.

When my kids are happy.

When I’m happy in work.

When I get a divorce.

 

When will when come?

It won’t come while I wait for it. So I plan to manufacture it. It hasn’t worked yet.

He was here and I coped. I ignored. I didn’t look though my eyes burned with want.

And at the corner of my eye I saw the tell tale signs. I heard the usual hints. The same game play with rules I can never understand.

Except acknowledging that the only way I win is by losing. Saying goodbye to when and hello to now.

Final thoughts…

On Lost Soul.

I can’t tell you that I won’t ever mention him again because I will. Maybe the next time that I see him, months from now or maybe I will reminisce about my time with him, good or bad. But for now, unless something new happens, I will not post about him after this. I think it is the best way to move on.

I survived my weekend. I coped. I was strong. OK, yes, I was really angry but I’m not angry now. I’m fine.

I will admit to one thing though.

Yesterday, I purposefully went to see my brother in law knowing there was a chance he would be there. That wasn’t why I went exactly, but it contributed to it.

I actually wanted to go so I could speak to my brother in law about the situation, as we have done before. I couldn’t get hold of him on the phone so I decided to call round. I even filled my car with things that needed to go back to my sister’s (I swear she thinks my house is an extension of her cupboard) which again, needed to be done but wasn’t my incentive to visit. As I was loading my car my son came home and wanted to come with me: all the better to add to the lie, but it somewhat lessened the strength of my purpose. I couldn’t talk about things with my son there, so why was I going?

We arrived and my son offered to knock on the door to see if my brother in law was in. I stayed in the car, heart pounding, questioning what the hell was I doing.

My son shouted that he could see someone/thing through the glass of the door and it became clear that it was my three year old nephew. The blinds twitched and I saw a face at the window. For a second, I thought it was Lost Soul – only when I entered the house did I realise that was not the case. The power of the imagination, eh?

We unloaded the bags into the house and had a brief chat. My brother in law said he was intending to visit today anyway so my nephew and my youngest could play and this suited me fine as it meant we would be able to talk. This finally ended my suspicion that Lost Soul was hiding in the house somewhere, waiting for me to leave. Pathetic I know, but I could have sworn it was him at the window and it took so long to open the door…

Just another way of how this situation has messed with my head.

My son safely upstairs in his room and the younger ones playing, the conversation began.

I relayed everything that had happened in the last week, from his comments, flirting and kiss last weekend, to the events of Saturday.

Give him his due, considering how close my brother in law is with Lost Soul, I can’t fault his loyalty to me. By the end of the conversation I felt reassured: there had been no occasions where I had instigated the flirting; Lost Soul always started it, did flirt, did say he was attracted to me and did say we had a connection; his ‘dear friend’ comment was ridiculous. And finally, that although we acknowledged that Lost Soul and I could have been good together, he was still playing the same games/didn’t know what he wanted etc etc.

My brother in law said he was proud of me: for putting myself out there and for calling Lost Soul out on his behaviour. He laughed at the ‘dear friends’ quote too, “what is he going on about?!”

I assured him that when Lost Soul and I came into contact again there would be no atmosphere from me. Mainly because I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that I was heartbroken over him.

I don’t know what I am. I feel a kind of release in that I don’t need to wonder any more or regret what I haven’t said. I’ve been open and honest and – strong. Something I have not felt for some time. There is almost a freedom to the feeling.

Of course I am still questioning everything. How much I imagined or willed into being compared to how much he led me on and manipulated. How much he actually meant. How much I was influenced by my physical attraction to him, blinded by it.

I had a difficult evening with my daughter last night, which is a completely different story, but at one point she said that she hadn’t spoken to me about how she struggling because she knew how difficult I was finding things. “And then last Sunday you were so happy and then the next day you were sad again.”

I was so frustrated that he was the cause of both of those emotions. That his minor attentions could make me so happy and then so deflated when they ended. No person should have that much power over you, whether they do it intentionally or not.

Equally though, if this has all been complete nonsense, how would love feel with someone who actually does want to be with me? Someone who values and respects me, who I am attracted to and connected to. If I feel so strongly about this farce, then who knows how amazing the real thing will feel.

Aftermath

I’m OK. Honestly, I am. Surprisingly so, in fact.

Yesterday, anger won out really over other feelings. When I got home from visiting my sister and dropping my children at their dad’s house, I wrote the last few posts you may have read.

My younger sister – the one Lost Soul is friends with – called me to see how I was and asked me to go back to our sister’s house. I refused. I didn’t want to be around anyone in the mood I was in.

We talked about Lost Soul. She said she was surprised at what had happened as she didn’t realise I still felt that way. This gave me some comfort as for the past few years I have purposefully pulled back from him and just been the ‘dear friends’ (yes, I am bitter about that phrase!) he intermittently wants to be. And me too – he has been a good friend in lots of ways. Although, I have been a better friend to him, I think. Anyway, back to it.. I’ve pulled back. Everything that has happened romantically has come from him. I told her what he had said last weekend – that he’d promised her he ‘wouldn’t do this again’. She said she was surprised by that. In the past when all this started she said she had warned him not to hurt me. More recently, she’d actually told him to go for it if he wanted to. I don’t know about you, but this isnt sounding like just ‘dear friends’ to me. (I promise I will stop quoting that phrase soon but I’m getting a perverse sort of pleasure in quoting it bitterly at the moment)

I’m the end, after I ranted for some time about how he’d made me feel foolish and like I had imagined it all (she disagreed with me BTW) we both came to the conclusion that I now had the closure I wanted.

He said no, for whatever reason. If he did like me then there is clearly a reason why he wants me at arms length. I now need to respect that no matter what happens in the future. If we were just ‘dear friends’ (sorry) then do I really want to be around someone who continually plays with my feelings like that?

If he was being 100% honest yesterday and I have got it completely wrong then he really is not a nice person. Be it an ego trip for himself or a cruel game of entertainment or whatever, he has played with my feelings unnecessarily.

I wonder whether he realises how bad a picture he has painted of himself with the ‘dear friends’ stance. (last one, I promise)

I’m shamed and frightened by how much influence this situation has had on me. From my children noticing how much happier I was last weekend to other people noticing how ‘grey’ I went when I’d been away from him: but there is more.

With him back on the scene I had started caring more about myself and my appearance. Since this all started again, just before Christmas, I have walked more than ever and have lost weight which is now more noticeable in my appearance and how I feel. I love dancing and have often thought about how much I used to dance when I was younger – twice this week, when I’ve been alone, I’ve put my favourite music on and just danced. I’ve danced ballet-style to slow songs, stretching muscles that have long gone to sleep and moving in a way that made me feel calm and at one with the music. With more energetic songs I have been equally energetic, aiming to get my heart pumping and fat burning. I’ve encorporated other exercise moves too – squats and lunges, for example. Annoyingly, this has been due to him.

This doesn’t have to be a negative thing. This morning I made myself get up and dressed and took the dog for a two hour walk in the rain. This situation does nowhere near compare to the pain of losing my Dad but I’m damn well not going to let it pull me down either. If anything, I’m determined to get this weight off, get fitter and enjoy my life regardless of his rejection. And if the next time I see him I look amazing and feel confident to smack him in the face of what he has let go, then all the better. Revenge is a great motivator.

Fact is, I know this is not completely the end. It’s the end of my hopes, yes, as I will not let myself back in that situation again but I know that when I see him again in the future those feelings will still be there – for both of us. I don’t care what he says. I know him well enough to be confident in how he feels for me just as I am now confident that he does not want to be with me despite those feelings. No, the only way this will truly end is when one or both us finds someone else significant. I’ve been around him when he has been dating other women (which have all failed BTW) and he has still flirted with me. Neither one of us would have acted upon those feelings as we both feel strongly about monogamy but those feelings were still there – partly why I have always hoped that one day, the timing would be right.

At some point though, he will find the woman he will settle down with and maybe, if I am lucky, I will find who I have been searching for too. Only then will this truly end. What this weekend has done though has made me all the more determined to find it.

As my dad would say, ‘there’s a silver lining in every cloud.’ I just need to find a way to meet someone without the dreaded Internet dating. Wish me luck!

Thoughts at 5am

Before you ask, no I haven’t text him yet. But I will. Later.

Despite being so tired last night that I felt sick – it had been a long week – my mind raced as I went to sleep. Mainly about what I was going to say to him and how. Over and over it played in my mind, hardly ever with a good outcome. I can picture every rebuttal, every block. I’ve heard some of them before.

Eventually I fell asleep but it seemed like forever. Then my son woke me at 4am with a temperature. Calpol administered and he went back to bed. For me, the future conversation replay started in my head again. At 5.05am I gave up and I’ve come downstairs and made a pot of coffee.

Last night as I was reading before bed, my friend from Ireland text me. I let her in on the recent updates with Lost Soul including Mumslovelife’s advice, which unsurprisingly she completely agreed with:

Better to know and move on whatever direction that might be than be in permanent limbo land!!!! And getting more hurt by having your emotions tested each time you meet. 😔

You are far too gorgeous, kind, caring and funny to be somebody’s “maybe” or “temporary fancy”. Know what I mean?!”

So I now have steely resolve masking the fear. I will text him today and invite him round tonight. And if he can’t or won’t see me tonight, then the next time I see him and he starts with the flirting, hinting and suggesting, then I will say my piece. Either way, this conversation is going to happen and happen soon.

Update over for now. Catch up with you all later.

Just thoughts

She stood in arrogance: tall and slender but her hair in a messy pile on her head and headphones dangling from her ears. Her phone was held out at an angle from her body, almost daring someone to look at the screen as she held it out before her.

She showed no concern that the whole platform could hear her one sided conversation; rather she seemed to delight in sharing the drama of her life as she loudly professed her opinions, criticised an unknown subject and swore repeatedly. At one point she mentioned being a mother to six children and I was surprised: to me she looked barely in her twenties. However, I had only glanced at her and noticed her bad skin and aggressive stance, intrigued as she had openly complained about the person who though she should have her children taken from her.

****************

The coat barely covered the pair of them but it didn’t matter. They sat, shoulder to shoulder, head to head, eyes closed. They looked content, at ease. Occasionally, one of them would open a sleepy eye for a moment, disturbed by a noise on the train: first him, then her. In their statue-like state, neither one would know that the other was awake, that moments before the other had also opened their eyes. I imagined that they weren’t married, probably had been together for a couple of years and then I tutted at myself. Just because my marriage hadn’t been like, doesn’t mean there’s wasn’t. One thing was for sure, they were very different to the older couple sat behind me, more concerned with the filling in their sandwiches or noisily eating crisps, than each other.

********************

Her voice was high-pitched and a little shrill but not in an unpleasant way. She peered through her glasses, underneath the strands of grey hair that framed her face, the rest of her hair piled up on top of her head in a neat bun. Small and frail, she had endeared a nearby passenger who helped her disembark, carrying her luggage and wishing her well on her journey. As I stepped off the train after her, I noticed that she wore two pairs of trousers, the top pair calf length and allowing the thicker warmer pair to peep through at her ankles. I contemplated the independence of an old lady who was off on a journey in her 80’s, seemingly alone and frail.

****************

And so my train journey today was spent people watching and thinking. So many different characters, embarking on a journey, embroiled in their own drama. I was going on a course for work: my drama was internal and raging in my head.

I now feel much calmer. It has taken a hot shower and a cup of tea to achieve this.

I came home in a state of nervous anticipation, my mind and heart racing, adrenaline coursing through me and nausea building in my stomach.

Mumslovelife’s comments on my post yesterday have really hit home. She is absolutely right (I could picture us sitting in a cafe together having this conversation if she lived closer, me nervously sipping coffee as she counselled me as good friends do). This on going situation with Lost Soul is not healthy for me. It has gone on far, far too long and I can’t go on like this. Everytime I think I’m finally getting over him, learning to live without him, he appears back in my life and reawakens the feelings I’ve fought so hard to subdue. I know I have never been truly honest with him out of fear of rejection or fear of scaring him away. The truth is, over the years, this has happened anyway. For two people who claim to feel such an infinity and connection with each other, we’ve done a great job of ripping this friendship apart. We’ve gone months of staying away from one another. You’d think when we were both in other relationships we would be confident in the solid boundaries of just-friendship that would have induced but instead we have stayed away.

I know, once and for all, I need to tell him the truth. (I’m feeling anxious again just thinking about it).

I need to tell him that I just want to be with him. What I feel is too complex to label – I just want to be with him. Whatever happens in the future, no matter how long or short this thing might be, I know my heart will always yearn for him until we’ve tried and succeeded or failed. I want to give him my heart, fully aware that at some point he may give it back. I just don’t want to regret never offering it to him.

He tells me he has changed, he has grown up. He tells me that he is attracted to me and that I understand him like no other. He often reminisces about the fun we have had in the past and compliments me regularly. This should not be as scary as it is. Perhaps if I felt less it wouldn’t be.

I feel excited, nervous and scared.

I know from past history that after a night of emotional and physical closeness, he often disappears (another way Mumslovelife was correct). This can be physically – I don’t see him for a while – or emotionally, he will pull away and start talking of a new girl he is interested in or even an old one he claims to still want. It’s often overdone and obvious. I can see how this is a way of protecting himself after he has shown his vulnerability to me, particularly when I have then refused him the physical intimacy he has asked for. Maybe the fact that he is often very inebriated when he asks for this, but admits that he wanted me much earlier in the evening, shows how little confidence he actually has around me. I know he does not have this lack of confidence with other girls whom I know he feels little for.

To combat this usual disappearance and to have this long overdue conversation, I need to facilitate another night with him. Which means I need to ask him to be with me. Without the others.

Tomorrow night is ideal: my kids are with their dad and I have no plans. It also will limit the torture of this nervous anticipation. I need to get this done. But its making me feel sick. I don’t want him to say no at just seeing me – that would be even more hard hitting than him rejecting my heart somehow. I’m not sure why. Perhaps rejecting me without even knowing the truth? It won’t matter if he says he has other plans or just that he doesn’t want to – it will feel the same. By trying to initiate this, am I just making it seem bigger than it is? Am I not better waiting for another opportunity to say all I feel and want? Part of me just kind of wants this feeling over with once and for all. The strong desire to be with him in conflict with the absolute fear of heartbreak is crippling me. I undstend myself better than ever now – this is why I have partially hidden my feelings from him for so long. It’s easier to live in ‘what if’ land and that’s not easy at all. I’ve hoped for years that he would be the strong one: one day he would make the move but he hasn’t. Or maybe he has in his own way but I haven’t realised. I don’t know. Could be that he has been waiting for me too. Or maybe he knows that we can never be together for whatever reason. I just need to know, don’t I?

So, at 7.50pm on a Friday night, I’m sat here trying to be brave and make myself text him. I’ll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Turmoil

This blog post has been really hard to write. I don’t know where to start or how to explain the confusion and feelings I have had today.

About half an hour ago my son asked me if I was OK. He said I was ‘acting weird’ and my daughter agreed as she walked past. I asked them to explain and they said that since they’d got home from their Dad’s, I’d been more loving and calm than usual, and happier. I was astounded. Apart from being exhausted and pleased to see them as usual, I didn’t know what to attribute it to. Except, perhaps, for the effects of my time with Lost Soul last night. There’s a warmth radiating from my solar plexus that can only have come from my time with him.

After only four hours sleep I awoke at my usual time this morning. As could only be expected, the events of the previous night with Lost Soul were immediately in my mind. No doubt aggravated by lack of sleep and a looming hangover, the array of thoughts and feelings which flooded my sleep-deprived mind was overwhelming.

Disbelief came on pretty quickly. How had it happened again? How was I back in that situation after all my promises to stay away?

I quickly acknowledged that this one is obvious. Anyone who has read my blog will know how I feel about Lost Soul, even after all these years. No matter what has happened or how much I tell myself that there is no future between us, I can’t turn off how I feel about him.

However I did not expect him to act the way he did last night. My post, Strong, shows that: I acknowledge that so much of this comes from my own head.

If I believe what he said, he wanted to be with me almost as soon as he arrived. He certainly made comments through out the night to suggest he was attracted to me. But then there was the unprovoked conversation where he told me that he was purposefully staying away because he didn’t want to harm our friendship. Shortly after that, he upped his attentions to me and started making open propositions for us to spend the night together. Confused? Me too.

I didn’t know how to react to him. I want to be with this man and have done for a long time. But I’m so confused about his feelings for me and my feelings for him that I can’t trust our decision making. I don’t know what is going on.. So how can I make a good decision?

He’s never pursued me as persistently as he did last night – in words anyway. He said that he wouldn’t make a move on me without me giving him the go ahead. I just couldn’t and he didn’t.

Why not? I want him. He wanted me. We are both single, consenting adults. We are both attracted to one another. We get on well and understand each other. Why wouldn’t I let myself be intimate with him?

I suppose I wanted the sensual intimacy first. The slow build up. The kissing and caressing. Why didn’t he kiss me until the end? Was he waiting for me to make the move? Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I? Only when I went to kiss his cheek right as his taxi arrived did he kiss me tenderly, sensually on the lips.

Does he want to try a ‘relationship’ of some kind or was this just a one night stand? Does he want to be FWBs? Was this a symptom of his loneliness and recent relationship break-up or was this an opportunity to start something between us?

Am I just out of practice? Is this how relationships start nowadays – straight into sexual intimacy? Open, honest acknowledgement of sexual desire which may or may not lead into something else? Perhaps he knows no other way to start this, if that’s what he is actually doing. We already know we get on and enjoy spending time with each other.

Have I stopped this from proceeding again? Why did I do that? What would have happened if I had gone ahead?

What do I actually want?

Although I know I am attracted to him, I am never fully prepared for the surge of desire I feel when I see him. I want him. I want to touch his body and run my fingers through his hair. I want to kiss him. Everywhere.

If it was just sexual desire then why would I not take advantage of his own desirous advances? I know he is attracted to me.

I’m self conscious and I’m not sure why exactly. I have not had many sexual partners but I am not inexperienced either. I’ve had one night stands but always with someone I knew or had met a few times first. In the past I have been confident in my sexuality and desire. I’m no prude nor a wallflower.

I have standards though. I don’t want to feel used. I’m OK with sex as sex when it is clear that there is desire for me and care, even if this is a no-strings situation. At the same time though, that was me in my early 20s. I’m now in my late 30s. I’ve had three children and have the body to show it.

I’ve not been intimate with anyone for a long time. My marriage was sex-less in the last few years and I have not had a relationship since we separated. That’s nearly five years worth of celibacy. Wow, I didn’t realise it was that long.

This doesn’t explain what I want though.

Would I have a one night stand with him if that’s what was offered?

I don’t know. I’m intrigued about our compatability and the ‘spark’ between us. I’ve not let myself go around him so this would be a chance to. I’m scared either one of us would be disappointed.

Do I want a relationship with him?

I want to be with him, is that the same thing? I feel alive when I’m near him, like something has awoken inside me. I know how well we get along together I have wondered for a long time how that would feel in a relationship. Would we continue to be better people because we are together – inspiring each other to greatness.

Or is this all a case of wanting what I can’t have – the fantasy being better than the reality. We’ve been in this slow game for seven years, with moments when we have both been in relationships, both been single or only one of us single. I just want to know.

Do I want a FWB arrangement then?

I wish I had the confidence for that. It would be ideal in some ways as the no strings would mean that we both knew where we stood but we could each other’s company and intimacy.

But I love him so that won’t work. He makes me laugh, think. He makes me feel alive. We could be so amazing together. We’d be best friends and lovers and enjoy this world to the full.

Or it could all be in my head. Or we’re both so scared so we will never find out.

We have text each other throughout the day which has been great. Maybe he has made me happier today.

God help me.

Weak

We walk home together. He talks to me, honestly.

He likes that I fancy him.

He likes our flirting.

He’s scared that if we did anything, that would all change. It would create feelings.

He wants to have sex with me, has wondered what it would be like, but doesn’t want awkwardness. That’s why he pulls away.

He doesn’t want to change what we have.

Later, he admits that he doesn’t call or text because he’s frightened.

And then he’s with me and we are at my home. If I just let myself go I could be with him but I can’t. We cuddle. We talk. He tells me to stop looking at him with ‘those dreamy eyes’, that he’s no good for me but can’t say why.

We cuddle more.

I call him a taxi even though I don’t want him to go. I don’t tell him that I don’t want him to go. I want to kiss him but I’m scared. The phone rings and he goes outside to wave down the taxi. Then he comes back to the door to hug me goodbye. And he kisses me, properly. He smiles and says goodbye and I kick myself for not being braver and he drives away.

Not strong at all.